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In order to establish the theoretical background for female Halloween sluttage, I sat down with a local sorority girl for a fireside chat to get an introspective view of the intricacies of a slut’s Halloween.
Matt: Hi. Nice of you to meet with me.
(Handshakes exchanged)
Aschleigh: Nice to meet you too!
That’s not really what I meant, but okay. Let’s get started, shall we?
Yeah!
It says here that your name is Aschleigh. So were your parents Turkish or retarded?
I don’t get it!
Nevermind. What are you going to be for Halloween?
I am going to be a CEO of a major company!
Oh, okay, that is wholesome. So you are going to wear a business suit—some slacks, a blouse and a jacket and maybe some eyeglasses then?
Hell no! Do I look like a 5th grader?! I am wearing a bra, a skirt and some high heels!
How exactly does that make you a CEO?
I am going to be carrying a briefcase of course!
Right. Of course. And what are your friends dressing as?
Kelsee’s going to be a slutty nurse, Ashley’s a slutty cop, Britni’s a slutty cowgirl, and Ashlee’s a slutty prostitute!
Aren’t prostitutes naturally slutty?
Yeah, but she is going to be REALLY slutty!
Enchanting. What are the differences between all of your friends’ costumes?
That’s a silly question mister! Kelsee’s going to wear a bra, some shorts and a nurse’s hat! Ashley’s going to wear a bra, some shorts, and a policeman’s hat! And Britni’s going to wear a bra, some shorts, and a cowboy hat!
So the hat is really what makes the costume for you all.
Right!
What about the prostitute? Ashlee number 3?
She’s going to wear a bra, and some shorts, plus she is going to act like she has syphilis, a meth habit, and an incredibly flappy vagina!
Spot on. Why don’t you just go dressed as slutty…sluts. Then you don’t have to worry about the hats.
What a great idea!
You’re welcome. Let me stop you for a second, I can’t help but notice that you are speaking in all exclamations. What is that about?
I am?!?
Your parents should be so proud of you
Yes, you are. Which is weird because I only exclaim when absolutely necessary—like when old lady Duncan is hassling me to come over to her house and rub her arthritic spine, and I say “Fuck you granny!” and run away, fast like the wind.
I don’t get it!
Nevermind. What kind of plans are in place for Halloween?
What kind of plans are in place for Halloween?!?
What, are we playing the repeater?
What?
What happened to your exclamation?
Oh sorry…what?!?
Now it seems you are channeling Lil’ Jon…or is it Dave Chappelle doing Lil’ Jon? Because I prefer Chappelle’s version.
What?!
Nevermind, let’s move on.
Okay!
Exactly. Anyway, what are you doing for Halloween?
My sorority is having a bash! You should come!
I’m there. What will happen?
My girls and I will get really drunk! And then we will make out and lift up each other’s skirts to try to get guys’ attentions! Then when the guys come over and try to touch us, we will slap their faces and call them assholes for treating us like sluts!
But you are a slut.
No I’m not, I am just dressing like one for Halloween!
I am confused. If you don’t want to be treated like you are a streetwalker, then why not dress like Janet Reno or Grimace from the McDonaldland gang?
Because Halloween is the one time of the year where we have an excuse to dress like a slut!
But why?
Because! Deep down all girls want to dress sluttily every day! But they don’t because they know that the other girls will ridicule them! So then, in order to exercise our innate harlotry, we have all agreed that it is okay to dress like skanks on Halloween and act like they are costumes!
That is a surprisingly well-articulated argument. But I don’t think baby Jesus died on the cross so you could walk around dressed like a whore, even if it is under the guise of a golfer or nurse or astronaut or tax attorney.
I think that’s Christmas!
Oh yeah. But still, have some respect; as a representative for the male species I feel it my duty to inform you that we can only deal with so much sluttery.
Really?
Q: How much fun was it to find these pictures? A: Really fun
She has a nice torso though. It looks like whatever skin disfiguring virus/disease she has only attacks the face.
But what it lacks in coverage area, it makes up for in intensity. It looks like someone held her face to the pavement out the door of a car going 40.
Tom A., the blond in the back...agreed.
The girl on the far left has the worst costume I've ever seen. Sexy Sherlock Holmes is one of the funniest/most ridiculous I've seen. Does she only have one hand though? It looks like a bandaged stump.
Front row, on the left, needs to eat a few good meals.
That Guy
Far Left Bim
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Posted: 10/31/2006 4:05:47 PM
Is that supposed to be a champagne glass?
What the hell?
deuce
Suzy Baseball
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Posted: 10/31/2006 4:08:35 PM
on the right, looks like the eastern european foreign exchange student - " you like my baseballer outfit uniform?"*
*if you thought the douchebaggery of guys asking "do i make you horny?" was bad 5 years ago... wait til saturday night.. (borat comes out friday)
Tom A
I've Got a Question
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Posted: 10/31/2006 4:10:55 PM
What do you suppose it says in the shirt/jersey of that one on the far right?
Something, e-r.
Anyone?
Tom A
I'll Start...
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Posted: 10/31/2006 4:11:57 PM
"Swallower" ?
deuce
that guy
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Post #: 26
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Posted: 10/31/2006 4:12:56 PM
great fucking eye.
like one of those optical illusion m.c. escher prints.
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