Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Hell
Hey folks, welcome to Fuddruckers where fun and flavor go hand in hand. My name is Mike and I’ll be your server this evening. I’m 27 years old and I’m by no means proud of where I am at this point in life. I have a bachelors degree in communications, which I suppose I’ll now utilize to let you know about tonight’s specials.
We have the broiled sea bass which is served with white parsley or cheddar mashed potatoes, your choice, or the southwest city chicken which is all white meat rolled in egg yolks, bread crumbs and seasonings then pan fried to a golden brown and served on a kabob.
You’ll notice that I’m not making eye contact with either of you right now due to the fact that I’m ashamed of my lowly and subservient profession and I’m scared of seeing my own reflection in your eyes, thereby catching a horrific glance of what my life really is.
Our featured appetizer tonight is the ultimate nacho platter, which is our hearth-baked tortilla chips with chunky garden salsa, sour cream, black olives and three types of cheeses. Or, if you’re feeling a little more adventurous, we’re also offering our cajun crawdad tails which are tossed in a spicy creole sauce and then served over brown rice.
I apologize if I’m not fully masking my contempt for the two of you, but as you can imagine, I’m having a pretty difficult time with the fact that it’s my job to bring you food and clear your plates, despite the fact that you’re both obviously younger than I am and that I’m most likely more intelligent.
Douchebag Kids Who Want Refills
Can I tempt either of you into starting off with one of our famous “Fuddruckers Frozen Drink Experiences”? My personal favorite is the deliciously decadent “Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Martini” which is the perfect combination of Bailey’s Irish Cream, Amaretto, and milk with just a hint of Butterscotch Schnapps. Or perhaps you’d prefer one of our signature oversized “Key Lime Pie Mega-ritas”. Just one sip and you’ll be whisked away to a tropical paradise without ever leaving your booth.
Speaking of alcohol, drinking has been my one salvation as of late. But it seems like it takes more and more of it each night to distract me from the horrors of my everyday life, such as the knowledge of my unrealized potential and the vast sense of nothingness that consumes my soul.
Okay, I’m going to let you two mull over the menus there, I know it’s a bit overwhelming, and I’m gonna go grab you a couple of waters and a basket of our world-famous breadsticks. Then I’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. And, if I’m not that probably means that I finally worked up the courage to impale myself on something sharp back in the kitchen because death seemed like a favorable alternative to going on with this pointless, sad existence, and of course, if that’s the case, then I’ll just see you both in hell.
Excuse me, I asked for an Arnold Palmer with extra ice like five minutes ago. Can I get that some time today?
Roxy
Waiter. Oh Waiter
()
Post #: 12
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 4/1/2005 10:28:40 PM
I asked for a baked potato. Does this look like a baked potato? No they are fries. How hard is it to get some decent service around here?
Roxy
More Ice
()
Post #: 13
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 4/1/2005 10:29:26 PM
Can I get more ice for my Arnold Palmer?
Roxy Hater
I Hate People Like Roxy
()
Post #: 14
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 4/1/2005 10:38:02 PM
I am an account executive but I always say I was a professional waitress in a past life. I have seen it all. Starting in High School in a local town tavern waiting on the town drunks and the assholes I went to school with. Then in college at a country club waiting on a bunch of rich snobs who get drunk every night and practically shit on you while you serve them. Then in LA while I was "working" an unpaid internship I catered all different kinds of events. It all sucks. But nothing is worse in any of those situations than some fucking asshole who asks for something every fucking second like Roxy there. And when you come back to the table to bring them what they asked for they ask for something else, "Oh and can I get some relish?" then you come back with the relish and now they want a refill on their drink. Then they want some other fucking thing, like more ice for the refill you just brought them.
For God Sakes, ask for everything all at once. Don't make me come back here and look at your ugly face any more than I have to you fucking cunt.
I feel you. Nice article. Keep them coming.
ex burger slave
your pain is felt
()
Post #: 15
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 4/4/2005 7:52:08 AM
& I thought wendy's was bad... "these fries are cold make some more" "i wanted that plain i thought i told you" "i did want cheese! you just didn't ask so i assumed" "ooo I just need 10 combos to go and I'm in a hurry dammit!" and so on...
Hey Guys
work
()
Post #: 16
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 4/5/2005 12:41:55 PM
I am reading this at work, maybe I'll get fired for wasting company time and end up with a job at Fuddruckers. Striped Shirts forever.
Stan
Flare
()
Post #: 17
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 4/8/2005 12:21:04 PM
Mike, we need to talk about your flare. We don't require you to wear more than 15 pieces of flare, but we want to express yourself, and if that means going oiver the minimum amount of flare, than that would be O.K.
No eye contact
No eye contact
()
Post #: 18
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 4/8/2005 8:49:18 PM
Mike, Mike, Mike...wait until you are older and then you can bitch. I love douche bag kids and their refills. It is amazing to me that in your job you cannot learn to love America's youth and the parents that allow them to treat you like shit. I am personally inspired to be a restaraunt whore waiting on guys with striped shirts before they go out and drink Jaegerbombs. They treat me with the utmost respect and make me believe in the human race. Please learn to love your job...it's important!
RC
Changing my behavior
()
Post #: 19
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 4/12/2005 1:37:08 PM
Wow...I usually tip 20% or more and treat the wait-staff with respect, as people doing a hard job usually on their way to bigger and better things. Now I think I'm probably tipping someone who is spitting in my food and has less respect for me (for the audacity of desiring to do trade with their establishment) than I do of them (overlooking the obvious fact that being a waiter past age 25 means you made some really piss-poor life choices).
I think I'll start tipping based on my perception of the waiter or waitresses' perception of me as a customer. That'll come out to, ohhhhhhh, zero percent of the bill?
Tom A
Maybe You're Perceived as a Zero
()
Post #: 20
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 4/15/2005 1:19:33 PM
because you are.
As for Roxy Hater, don't hate Roxy. She shouldn't have to wait 5 minutes for that Arnie Palmer, and if she ordered a baker, she should get a baker.
But I can relate - I, too, worked my way through high school, college, and law school in the restaurant biz. It always helped to remind myself that although I had to deal with a particular a-hole at a particular time, when that time was over, that a-hole would still be an a-hole. S/he has to live with that all his/her life - me, just for about an hour. And yeah, even though I didn't go there, the a-hole probably ended up eating and drinking a lot of stuff with snot in it.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
