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Not this movie. The other Wild Hogs.
Dear Pornographers,
There is something going wrong with your industry. There has been for some time, but it didn't hit me until I watched my latest rental. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of most of your work. However, there are a few things that must be discussed.
There are certain things that when seen in pornographic films completely screw up "the moment." We as devoted customers and loyal fans of the genital arts deserve- no, demand the absolute best quality product available. When I sit down in the comfort of my motel room or Wi-Fi enabled tool shed, I do not want to see things on the screen that make me pause my stroking motion. If I see a wart of some kind on the woman's vagina, it throws my whole game off. Is that a regular wart? Is it a vaginal zit? What the fuck is that? For that matter, why is her vagina covered in red bumps? If Hollywood can make Keanu Reeves' pockmarked face attractive, surely you can make a vagina appear as though it wasn't just attacked by a swarm of Africanized bees.
And while my main focus when watching porn is not the penis, I understand that it is a necessary part of the cast. Given that fact, I would appreciate if the male porn star's penis did not look like it was somehow fabricated in a tube bending shop. It becomes very difficult to focus on the good points of the film- such as Jenny's ability to take anal beads constructed of coax cable and baseballs up her ass.
When I go to the trouble of getting out my jar of mayonnaise and vintage basketball sock that now looks like it was made out of paper mache, I have certain expectations. I rented Wild Hogs (not the John Travolta film) because I like big girls on motorcycles. Nowhere on the box did it say anything about guys with one testicle. That shit caught me totally off guard, and before I knew it I was flying half-mast because I'd spent an entire minute staring at some dude's beanbag wondering if it was just the Vicodin and whiskey I had, or if Santa only had one gift in his sack.
So how do we fix this? I suggest you as an industry adopt a sort of warning system for your packaging- a letter system that indicates if a film includes potentially distracting elements. Here are some suggestions:
DG: Disgusting Genitals- this would cover most of what I've already mentioned: tube benders, warts, razor burn, and missing balls as well as a host of other conditions including but not limited to white chicks with black labia, hideous scars, birthmarks that look like poop stains, pink sock, and all forms of "gaping."
MOF: Male Orgasm Face- I can't imagine who would want to see a dude's contorted face, but using it as a cut away between the sex and the money shot has to stop.
Distracting.
MS: Mouth Spitting- What's with spitting in the girl's mouth? Is that some new "cool" thing to do in adult movies, because I certainly don't remember that from several years ago. Slap the bitch in the face, choke her with her own thong, but don't spit in her mouth, that's just degrading.
UVE: Uncreative Vagina Euphamisms- Referring to the female genitalia "whore pits," "hoe caves," "cunt chambers," or any other combination of a derogatory female term and a word for an opening does nothing but prove you're handy with a thesaurus. The fact that the woman you are violating is wearing a pig costume and wallowing in the mud while being slapped by a guy in a clown costume is enough (although there could be a bit more squealing).
POH: Poor Oral Hygiene- Nothing ruins the moment like a girl opening her mouth to reveal a ghostly white, plaque-covered tongue and enough fillings to set off an airport metal detector.
MH: Man Hands- Where do you find these girls? If her hands look like she spent last year starring in the Discovery Channel's "Deadliest Catch", how about you find a different girl?
I hope you will consider this idea. As I said, I am a big fan.
Respectfully,
Mark Garrison
If you have suggestions for other warning ratings, please add them so I can put together a final draft of this letter and send it off.
Posts: 17 Rank: 2125 Joined:
12/8/2006
Location:
Providence, RI
Posted: 4/20/2007 11:57:05 AM
When two guys go in the same hole? Thats the fucking worst. First of all, no girl should have two dicks in either of her holes at the same time. Second, half the dick is rubbing against another dudes dick. So technically your fucking a girl and a guy at the same time. Ya, sweet.
We thank you very much Mr. Garrison. I've been meaning to say something about this spitting in girls mouths phenomenon for quite some time, but I just can't find the proper juncture to approach the topic, so thank you.
Three things I never want to see:
1. the famous under both their legs shot: I don't want a closeup of his balls and this isn't her best angle, just stop it.
2. the chick spreading her ass cheeks after she's just been railed in the ass for an hour. I don't want to see how badly you've been mamed by this act or know that you could now shit a buick without feeling it.
3. sucking off the fucking strap-on for 10 minutes... really. Do I even need to address this. No it's not as bad as the rest, but it's just so pointless. If you need to lube that thing up with some spit, use those previously referenced spitting skills and your good, or just throw some fucking lube on it, but don't waste my motherfuckin time.
Posts: 96 Rank: 46 Joined:
3/16/2007
Location:
Kansas City, MO
Posted: 4/20/2007 12:02:04 PM
Porn girls, don't ruin my 8 minutes of fantasy time by looking so pitiful and degraded. We know blowing two midgets with a Bud tall-boy in your ass is embarassing, but for the moment, for us, it is enthralling. It's not going to hurt you anymore than that tall-boy if you smile a bit more and act like you're enjoying it. I'll have time to reflect on your pitifulness later, just as you will have time to relfect on your bad choices after your $300 earnings worth of meth is gone.
I'm not saying keep it real, this is porn after all, I'm saying keep it better than real just for the duration of the scene, and worry about your sphincter control later. I'm trying to enjoy this after all.
I'm gonna sharply disagree here, I think that the innocent looking girl, who's a little afraid of the money shot, is kinda hot. And it's funny as hell.
Posts: 1151 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 4/20/2007 12:12:00 PM
Ok so I think quite a few of us would agree that most of these girls get into this profession because daddy didn't love them or in most cases was not even around.
Does anyone else think its hilarious that these same deadbeat dads are probably beating their meat to their own daughters and have absolutely no idea?
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 4/20/2007 12:26:25 PM
i must say that i don't much care for your slandering of ass-to-mouth. i put it to you, that there has been no greater a thing than ATM introduced to the institution of pornagraphy, since John Holmes made co-star Black Majik cough up blood after an on-set "gliding" accident in 1977. what say you to that, sir?
When i was in Germany once, we stopped at a gas station and i picked up one of there magizines. The first picture i turned to was the fucking red head fire crotch. This bitch had to have been a post op cause that ass had an old growth forest in there.
Posts: 2088 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 4/20/2007 12:35:56 PM
I never want to see the three other guys in the gang-bang jerking themselves while they wait for their turn. If I want to see that, I'll put a mirror next to the T.V.
Posts: 214 Rank: 16 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Pasadena, CA
Posted: 4/20/2007 12:43:36 PM
All legit gripes. I respect that everyone has their weird kink that they like to see in porn. I am very meat and potatoes with my porn: hot chicks, blowjobs, midgets, lesbians, etc. I am also a great opponent to the guy's face shot as well as the behind the taint angle. To add to the list, I hate the asshole who is too lazy/cheap to hire a camera man so he films everything from the first person angle. Now there is a genre of first person movies that are done excellently with professionals in which the camera doesn't shake while the guy struggles to take off his socks or rides the Hershey Highway.
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