Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Not this movie. The other Wild Hogs.
Dear Pornographers,
There is something going wrong with your industry. There has been for some time, but it didn't hit me until I watched my latest rental. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of most of your work. However, there are a few things that must be discussed.
There are certain things that when seen in pornographic films completely screw up "the moment." We as devoted customers and loyal fans of the genital arts deserve- no, demand the absolute best quality product available. When I sit down in the comfort of my motel room or Wi-Fi enabled tool shed, I do not want to see things on the screen that make me pause my stroking motion. If I see a wart of some kind on the woman's vagina, it throws my whole game off. Is that a regular wart? Is it a vaginal zit? What the fuck is that? For that matter, why is her vagina covered in red bumps? If Hollywood can make Keanu Reeves' pockmarked face attractive, surely you can make a vagina appear as though it wasn't just attacked by a swarm of Africanized bees.
And while my main focus when watching porn is not the penis, I understand that it is a necessary part of the cast. Given that fact, I would appreciate if the male porn star's penis did not look like it was somehow fabricated in a tube bending shop. It becomes very difficult to focus on the good points of the film- such as Jenny's ability to take anal beads constructed of coax cable and baseballs up her ass.
When I go to the trouble of getting out my jar of mayonnaise and vintage basketball sock that now looks like it was made out of paper mache, I have certain expectations. I rented Wild Hogs (not the John Travolta film) because I like big girls on motorcycles. Nowhere on the box did it say anything about guys with one testicle. That shit caught me totally off guard, and before I knew it I was flying half-mast because I'd spent an entire minute staring at some dude's beanbag wondering if it was just the Vicodin and whiskey I had, or if Santa only had one gift in his sack.
So how do we fix this? I suggest you as an industry adopt a sort of warning system for your packaging- a letter system that indicates if a film includes potentially distracting elements. Here are some suggestions:
DG: Disgusting Genitals- this would cover most of what I've already mentioned: tube benders, warts, razor burn, and missing balls as well as a host of other conditions including but not limited to white chicks with black labia, hideous scars, birthmarks that look like poop stains, pink sock, and all forms of "gaping."
MOF: Male Orgasm Face- I can't imagine who would want to see a dude's contorted face, but using it as a cut away between the sex and the money shot has to stop.
Distracting.
MS: Mouth Spitting- What's with spitting in the girl's mouth? Is that some new "cool" thing to do in adult movies, because I certainly don't remember that from several years ago. Slap the bitch in the face, choke her with her own thong, but don't spit in her mouth, that's just degrading.
UVE: Uncreative Vagina Euphamisms- Referring to the female genitalia "whore pits," "hoe caves," "cunt chambers," or any other combination of a derogatory female term and a word for an opening does nothing but prove you're handy with a thesaurus. The fact that the woman you are violating is wearing a pig costume and wallowing in the mud while being slapped by a guy in a clown costume is enough (although there could be a bit more squealing).
POH: Poor Oral Hygiene- Nothing ruins the moment like a girl opening her mouth to reveal a ghostly white, plaque-covered tongue and enough fillings to set off an airport metal detector.
MH: Man Hands- Where do you find these girls? If her hands look like she spent last year starring in the Discovery Channel's "Deadliest Catch", how about you find a different girl?
I hope you will consider this idea. As I said, I am a big fan.
Respectfully,
Mark Garrison
If you have suggestions for other warning ratings, please add them so I can put together a final draft of this letter and send it off.
I don't know how the fuck I forgot all of these other ones. Especially the dreaded gape. I don't need to be reminded that she could painlessly give birth from her asshole.
Two guys bouncing balls off of eachother is another thing I could go my whole life without seeing.
As for ATM. That and a nice wide open and ready mouth/face are basically the only reason I watch porn. Throw in some gagging and a lactating super bush granny midget and I'm home free.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 4/20/2007 2:27:42 PM
Let's just say I always prefer there to be at least the same number of vaginas as therre are penises in the scene, if not more vaginas than penises. I feel the same way about my own sex life actually. At the same time I really enjoy hardcorepartying.com as well as frathousefuckfest.com but you all probably already knew that.
Posts: 2890 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 4/20/2007 2:29:20 PM
I hope it isn't too big. If you stuff my file too much, I have to go in there and fiddle around until i finger out the problem, I huff and puff and finally shutdown.
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 4/20/2007 2:55:06 PM
and a few of the bush's last few posts, i am spending about half my day in the toilet stall now.
gapes* acceptable as long as i can't see a baby-head or a turtle. humiliated looks* acceptable and expected. since the third time i ever had sex in my life, this has always been the high point. yeah babe, i can't believe you let me do that either. midgets* who doesn't love little people? they are great at everything and i dare say that if you ever wanted to feel the raw power of having someone say "Ohhhhhh...Uuuggghhh...pull back a little bit...it's too much!" this is definetly the way to go. two in one* meh, fuck it... as long as he's on the other side of her, who gives a shit. racism* dlamp has a good point. black women are notoriously straight-laced while performing their duties in a porno. unless they're in germany, in which case they seem to prefer having their salad tossed by blond haired white women. until i see a stacey dash clone take a landing on the darkside of the moon, i won't be happy with this situation.
one thing that has always disturbed me to no end, where the fuck is the anal hygeine for some of these women? the editors are just as much at fault. no wants to see skid marks. not in a set of briefs, and not crawling out of some chiks black hole.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
