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Not this movie. The other Wild Hogs.
Dear Pornographers,
There is something going wrong with your industry. There has been for some time, but it didn't hit me until I watched my latest rental. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of most of your work. However, there are a few things that must be discussed.
There are certain things that when seen in pornographic films completely screw up "the moment." We as devoted customers and loyal fans of the genital arts deserve- no, demand the absolute best quality product available. When I sit down in the comfort of my motel room or Wi-Fi enabled tool shed, I do not want to see things on the screen that make me pause my stroking motion. If I see a wart of some kind on the woman's vagina, it throws my whole game off. Is that a regular wart? Is it a vaginal zit? What the fuck is that? For that matter, why is her vagina covered in red bumps? If Hollywood can make Keanu Reeves' pockmarked face attractive, surely you can make a vagina appear as though it wasn't just attacked by a swarm of Africanized bees.
And while my main focus when watching porn is not the penis, I understand that it is a necessary part of the cast. Given that fact, I would appreciate if the male porn star's penis did not look like it was somehow fabricated in a tube bending shop. It becomes very difficult to focus on the good points of the film- such as Jenny's ability to take anal beads constructed of coax cable and baseballs up her ass.
When I go to the trouble of getting out my jar of mayonnaise and vintage basketball sock that now looks like it was made out of paper mache, I have certain expectations. I rented Wild Hogs (not the John Travolta film) because I like big girls on motorcycles. Nowhere on the box did it say anything about guys with one testicle. That shit caught me totally off guard, and before I knew it I was flying half-mast because I'd spent an entire minute staring at some dude's beanbag wondering if it was just the Vicodin and whiskey I had, or if Santa only had one gift in his sack.
So how do we fix this? I suggest you as an industry adopt a sort of warning system for your packaging- a letter system that indicates if a film includes potentially distracting elements. Here are some suggestions:
DG: Disgusting Genitals- this would cover most of what I've already mentioned: tube benders, warts, razor burn, and missing balls as well as a host of other conditions including but not limited to white chicks with black labia, hideous scars, birthmarks that look like poop stains, pink sock, and all forms of "gaping."
MOF: Male Orgasm Face- I can't imagine who would want to see a dude's contorted face, but using it as a cut away between the sex and the money shot has to stop.
Distracting.
MS: Mouth Spitting- What's with spitting in the girl's mouth? Is that some new "cool" thing to do in adult movies, because I certainly don't remember that from several years ago. Slap the bitch in the face, choke her with her own thong, but don't spit in her mouth, that's just degrading.
UVE: Uncreative Vagina Euphamisms- Referring to the female genitalia "whore pits," "hoe caves," "cunt chambers," or any other combination of a derogatory female term and a word for an opening does nothing but prove you're handy with a thesaurus. The fact that the woman you are violating is wearing a pig costume and wallowing in the mud while being slapped by a guy in a clown costume is enough (although there could be a bit more squealing).
POH: Poor Oral Hygiene- Nothing ruins the moment like a girl opening her mouth to reveal a ghostly white, plaque-covered tongue and enough fillings to set off an airport metal detector.
MH: Man Hands- Where do you find these girls? If her hands look like she spent last year starring in the Discovery Channel's "Deadliest Catch", how about you find a different girl?
I hope you will consider this idea. As I said, I am a big fan.
Respectfully,
Mark Garrison
If you have suggestions for other warning ratings, please add them so I can put together a final draft of this letter and send it off.
spart...my bro...how about i give you a free post.
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Post #: 41
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 4/20/2007 3:11:16 PM
this is what you really meant to say. because this is ten times funnier than your stupid fucking william hung joke.
Spartan- "Antony, I see right through you. The real source of your anger is that you're not the one "gaping" in front of the big black man."
see how easy it is you fucking moron. i just want to rub your nose in a big pile of dissappointment, so that you comprehend how i really feel everytime you post.
Posts: 291 Rank: 27 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
, FM
Posted: 4/20/2007 3:11:23 PM
But I can't believe no one has brought up casting dudes who haven't been circumsized. Nothing is worse than two smoking hot chicks getting all ready to dominate one guy, and then he drops trou to reveal a hooded cobra. I can't watch porn with these foreskinned freaks of nature touching beautiful ladies...
Posts: 2890 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 4/20/2007 3:19:48 PM
I know its hot to be real tan, but these porno girls have to cover the nipples. Tan nipples are hideous. Almost as bad as pale pink ones. I'm obsessed with nipples. And there are some funky fucking nipples out there. I don't know if they've been chewed on too much or what, but ewwww.
Christine is being sexually suggestive and talking about her obsession with nipples and this ass clown keeps talking about American Fucking Idol. Jesus Fuck - just go away!!
Posts: 2088 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 4/20/2007 3:47:28 PM
I understand from your avatar that you are into kissing cold, lifeless vegetables, and thus are turned on by anything Christine says, so I forgive you.
Christine - I love it how you hate me so much. That way it's easier for me to imagine myself farting while you blow me.
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