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Colleges and universities around the country acted swiftly in response to Tuesday's announcement that Cho Seung-Hui, the now-infamous Virginia Tech gunman, was an English Major. The deans and presidents of every major center for higher education have suspended all English programs for the foreseeable future. Many experts in the fields of education and criminal profiling agree that this effort should prevent similar tragedies occurring.
"We see this as an important step," said Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings. "Never again will a young person's mind be warped by so-called 'poets' and 'novelists' who advocate the examination of the human condition. We can only hope that we're not too late."
All students currently studying English will be transferred to their schools' respective Philosophy departments. In addition to providing a boost to the economy by giving teaching positions to hundreds of otherwise unemployable Philosophy majors, the change in academic discipline should alleviate the development of any confused or anti-social tendencies in these students.
"With any luck, switching to Philosophy will help focus the former English students' minds," explained Jeremy Gilding, head of the Philosophy department at the University of Montana. "So much of literature is taken up with the ironies and injustices of life, while philosophy addresses why those things exist in the first place. It's eminently more practical.
"Of course, ideally, studying philosophy will turns these students off of books entirely and get them to go into advertising like they ought to. I haven't seen a Hemingway novel yet that can stand up to a good dose of Kierkegaard."
Hottest Cabinet Member since John Snow III
The private sector has also taken up efforts to show their support for this new measure. Representatives of both the publishing and book retail businesses have announced plans to significantly reduce the amount and variety of reading material available which might unbalance the public in any way.
"We believe that we have a responsibility to the public good, and we've ignored that responsibility for far too long," said a spokesman for the Borders Group. "As a result, Borders, Waldenbooks, and Borders Express will be trimming the fat, or 'brain poison' from our stores and warehouses. Of course, we will still happily offer Chilton auto repair guides and Sudoku, while continuing to stock the most un-stimulating and inoffensive works of fiction, such as those written by Danielle Steele, Nora Roberts, Nora Roberts writing as J.D. Robb, and W.E.B. Griffin."
Steps are also being taken to monitor those who have already acquired English degrees, although a proposal to compile a national database of English majors has met with negative reactions by many.
"It's unfair to penalize or suspect other decent, law-abiding English students," claimed New Yorker fiction editor Peter MacNeill. "After all, if English degrees are outlawed, then only outlaws will have English degrees."
"It is not the intention of the government or the educational system to punish people simply for being English majors, but circumstances dictate that we must take reasonable precautions," explained Secretary Spellings. "Of course, it's entirely possible that someone may see this whole situation as a metaphor for something, and that's exactly the kind of behavior we're trying to prevent."
[Editor's Note: Our thoughts are with the families and friends of the victims of the shootings at Virgina Tech. It is in no way Dave's or our intention to make light of that tragedy. We just hope that in the search for answers, the reactionary urges can be resisted.]
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 4/18/2007 10:59:37 AM
not really, i mean, if he did, he'd have like a million comments posted already. but please, for the sake of argument, tell me what problem you have with people agreeing on something?
Posts: 1256 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 4/18/2007 11:11:33 AM
I heard O&A say (this morning on my drive to work) that had Imus said NHH this week it wouldn't make the news, then SS made that comment, i immediately assumed that he was listing to O&A. I know that assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups I am a fucktard.
BigNick. Don't back down and act like a pussy. No one should question your observations. You are always right! You keep this up and next thing you know you'll be cuddling with Candadian hookers post-coitous.
Posts: 1959 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 4/18/2007 8:24:08 PM
Homosexuals and foreigners do. It's a fact. I Googled it.
The shame about the whole tragedy at VT and Columbine alike, is that these trigger-pulling Crying Game motherfuckers always end up killing themselves after the slaughter. What ever happened to the big stand-off with the cops and running out Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid style and dying in a volley of gunfire? I know what happened. Fuckin' Thelma and Louis. Those cunts gave ever pussy outlaw the go-ahead to off themselves and rob the great people of this nation the satisfaction of seeing justice served. Fuck Gena Davis. Fuck Susan Sarandumb. And fuck Brad Pitt for not raping both of them and then slitting their throats.
Posts: 86 Rank: 33 Joined:
8/14/2006
Location:
The Lou, KY
Posted: 4/18/2007 10:33:13 PM
Good story, Dave. I considered writing something about it but couldn't work around the problem of the reactionaries undoubtedly firebombing my house. The Editor's Note was, of course, the way to go here...
This will be all over the news until the next hot white chick goes missing...
Also, while I was out driving today, I passed (what I believe was) a Korean going 40 mph in the fast lane, and instead of flipping him off, I ducked my head and crapped a little bit in my pants.
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