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No undies here
Dear Mr. Nugent,
In response to your piece "Yourope," we would like to thank you for your submission before saying that the piece does not, unfortunately, meet our current needs. The writing is fraught with enthusiasm, but I feel it is held together by a narrative and vernacular that remains decidedly inaccessible to this editor.
You begin your piece strongly; I was particularly intrigued by your detailed account of packing for your trip. You capture the anxiety of preparing for a trans-continental voyage with elan, although I found your decision to "free-ball" it for the flight a bit unnerving. Do we need to know this kind of minutiae? I feel not. Furthermore, if, as you maintain, you were flying into Barajas airport in Madrid, I was confused over your notion that upon arrival you were going to "punch a Mexican then maybe try to take a dump because I get nervous and can't shit on plane trips." If this is your idea of hyperbole, I don't think it works in this instance and doesn't really fit with our tolerant credo.
Furthermore, upon your arrival, you fail to mention whether or not you punched anybody--Mexican, Spanish or otherwise. As for the dump, I can suspend belief to a point. Your segue from the "horse-shit excuse for a Big Mac" you had at the McDonald's along the Gran Via to missing the "minority-free pussy" of Concord, Michigan while regarding Notre Dame (For your files, the "retarded guy who lives in a bell" must be a reference to Victor Hugo's classic work of fiction, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, who is neither retarded nor resides in a bell, but I'm sure that, perhaps due to jet lag, you just became a little confused or were perhaps suffering from apoxia or garden variety mongloidism.) was at best choppy and bordered on non-existent. Was there nothing of note during the rest of your tenure in Spain? You make brief mention of "a pretty sweet beach where sluts wear thongs," but I'm still unclear as to where this is. Barcelona? San Sebatian? Nice? The reader is left in the proverbial obscurité.
I wish you had bigger titties
As for Paris, is "the headless bird-woman with smallish tits" you refer to the legendary Winged Victory (Nike of Samothrace) housed in the Louvre? You mention that "museums are for pussies," but I'm not clear where it was that you wrote the word "boner" on the "ass of the armless bitch." Are you suggesting that you graffitied the buttocks of the Venus de Milo? I must tell you that if this is the case, I am appalled, utterly. However, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, as one portion of your piece seems to evince the fact that you are not an abject moron.
"Der Worte sind genug gewechselt, lasst mich auch endlich Taten sehn!" you exclaim and I could not agree more. Enough words have indeed been exchanged; it's time to see a more active approach toward globalization and cultural understanding. Oh, wait. It has just occurred to me that you have lifted that particular musing from Goethe's Faust. I should have recognized earlier that this was a shameless pilfering of Germany's greatest poet, as you later claim that "Mein Daumen Schwanz ist flamenwurfer" is a phrase that "never gets me any trim." Perhaps you will be interested to know that your claim, "My thumb-penis is flamethrower" will probably never get anyone any "trim." I will not even justify your comments on your friend "Heidi in Hamburg," as I am thoroughly convinced that A.) you are lying, and B.) this poor woman did not, as you assert, "dig on slobbing my knob in Hitler's bunker."
Nice thumb-penis
I found the conclusion of your trip in Italy fairly predictable. Your remarks on "hangin' brain all day" while you sat on the Spanish steps eating more "suck-ass pizza without shit for cheese or meat stuffed in the crust" proved to be more of the same philistine rambling you exhibit throughout the duration of your piece. And while the puzzling inclusion at the end of your piece of a poem entitled "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" (was that even intentional??) was certainly unpredictable, I found it was too late to redeem your piece.
Again, we thank you for your submission and wish you exceptional luck in placing it elsewhere.
Posts: 2036 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 12:28:36 PM
Rock N Roll Never Felt So Good - GWAR. Bloody Mary - GWAR This Love - Pantera
Lyrics to "Rock N Roll Never Felt So Good":
I met her at a donkey show. She was minutes past thirteen. Sucking on a cherry yoo-hoo. Reading "Nugget" magazine. Cum splattered tube-top. Scrawny pre-pube tits. That's when I saw she was quadraplechick. And I said "Baby you're looking good" That's when I noticed her legs were wood I grabbed a stump and dragged her out the door I need a hole I don't need no hips I laid a line of coke on her tits That's when I ripped off her dirty shit-filled drawers [Chorus:] Good, should, could, I think it feels pretty good [x2] So good, so good, so good, so good, so good, so good [x a lot] It wasn't nothing pretty, she took my genital germ Her limbless body thrashed about filled with infected sperm I criss-crossed with the cables, I smashed her face through a door They found her in a plastic bag down by highway 64 And I said "Baby your looking good" That's when I saw her legs were wood And all you people... You just can't understand I need a hole I don't need know hips I need the taste of dick on my lips I fucked her asshole with a piece of frozen shit
Posts: 279 Rank: 26 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 5/14/2007 12:38:07 PM
"Blood and Thunder"-Mastodon
"Curse Ye All Men"-Emperor-Nothing says "see ya later" like some Black Metal
"Hardonz"-The Left Rights:
Oh my goodness! Hardonz fuck me up! If you want to touch it, touch it, to myself! And thats-a so good! Oh no, this is very very bad It makes me huge! And now i have to go and masturbate!
Oh my goodness! Hardonz fuck me up! I said if you want to touch it, touch it, to myself! And thats-a so good! Oh no, this is very very bad It makes me huge! And now i have to go and masturbate!
The rest of us together Go very fastly forward! All over myself, all over myself I came, I came, all over myself! All over myself, all over myself I came, I came, all over myself!
I'm going to move for NIN to be stricken from this list. Those of you who, like me, have fucked to this song, know that it is gold... one of the all time best, and it doesn't freak chix out, because it got way too mainstream.
I will submit "Sunday bloody sunday", every Eminem album, ever, because the last thing you want is one of his screaming about killing the wife skits to come on during the act, and "Beat on the brat" by the Ramones. Love that song, but there's a time and a place.
Posts: 65 Rank: 43 Joined:
5/14/2007
Location:
Muffington, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 1:23:27 PM
I'll never forget the night I hooked up with this amazing Lipstick at "The Taco Bar". She took me to the ladies room and proceeded to flick my clit faster than an O.C.D. kid with a light-switch fetish. Pure Heaven. But then, right before I came, the song "I'm A Barbie Girl" by Aqua came on. Something in my brain switched and I lunged for my lover's jugglar. Then I blacked out.
When I came to, I was on the women's restroom floor with my panties around my ankles and my fanny-pack was stolen.
Posts: 65 Rank: 43 Joined:
5/14/2007
Location:
Muffington, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 1:48:33 PM
You and mom wouldn't answer your phones yesterday! Very funny... Why do you guys avoid me? I don't understand why mom accepts you the way you are but she has pretty much disowned me. Is it because I got drunk and hit on aunt Michelle? Tell mom I'm sorry.
Posts: 887 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 1:57:08 PM
I don't know why you have to bring our family problems to this public forum. But, you're family so, welcome!
Listen, when I got to mom's yesterday afternoon (I had a champagne brunch with Darren in the AM) she was already high and on her third Cape Cod. I told her I would take her to any restaurant, on me, and she chose a sports bar. You were lucky not to be around! That woman put away so many hot wings, it was embarrassing. Then some of her friends from the softball league showed up and started doing shots and beating me at arm wrestling and...well, let me just say that I think mom keeps you at arms length because you two are not that different. Don't worry, I just signed your name on the card and flowers.
Posts: 65 Rank: 43 Joined:
5/14/2007
Location:
Muffington, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:02:23 PM
You know, Danny, I love how you are always thinking of me. Thank you!
(btw, I've always known about mom being...ambiguous. Where do you think I found my first Cherry magazine? That's right, her panty drawer.)
How is Darren anyway? The last I heard you two were in a tiff (no pun intended) because you two couldn't agree on whether Astro-Glide was carcinogenic or not.
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