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No undies here
Dear Mr. Nugent,
In response to your piece "Yourope," we would like to thank you for your submission before saying that the piece does not, unfortunately, meet our current needs. The writing is fraught with enthusiasm, but I feel it is held together by a narrative and vernacular that remains decidedly inaccessible to this editor.
You begin your piece strongly; I was particularly intrigued by your detailed account of packing for your trip. You capture the anxiety of preparing for a trans-continental voyage with elan, although I found your decision to "free-ball" it for the flight a bit unnerving. Do we need to know this kind of minutiae? I feel not. Furthermore, if, as you maintain, you were flying into Barajas airport in Madrid, I was confused over your notion that upon arrival you were going to "punch a Mexican then maybe try to take a dump because I get nervous and can't shit on plane trips." If this is your idea of hyperbole, I don't think it works in this instance and doesn't really fit with our tolerant credo.
Furthermore, upon your arrival, you fail to mention whether or not you punched anybody--Mexican, Spanish or otherwise. As for the dump, I can suspend belief to a point. Your segue from the "horse-shit excuse for a Big Mac" you had at the McDonald's along the Gran Via to missing the "minority-free pussy" of Concord, Michigan while regarding Notre Dame (For your files, the "retarded guy who lives in a bell" must be a reference to Victor Hugo's classic work of fiction, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, who is neither retarded nor resides in a bell, but I'm sure that, perhaps due to jet lag, you just became a little confused or were perhaps suffering from apoxia or garden variety mongloidism.) was at best choppy and bordered on non-existent. Was there nothing of note during the rest of your tenure in Spain? You make brief mention of "a pretty sweet beach where sluts wear thongs," but I'm still unclear as to where this is. Barcelona? San Sebatian? Nice? The reader is left in the proverbial obscurité.
I wish you had bigger titties
As for Paris, is "the headless bird-woman with smallish tits" you refer to the legendary Winged Victory (Nike of Samothrace) housed in the Louvre? You mention that "museums are for pussies," but I'm not clear where it was that you wrote the word "boner" on the "ass of the armless bitch." Are you suggesting that you graffitied the buttocks of the Venus de Milo? I must tell you that if this is the case, I am appalled, utterly. However, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, as one portion of your piece seems to evince the fact that you are not an abject moron.
"Der Worte sind genug gewechselt, lasst mich auch endlich Taten sehn!" you exclaim and I could not agree more. Enough words have indeed been exchanged; it's time to see a more active approach toward globalization and cultural understanding. Oh, wait. It has just occurred to me that you have lifted that particular musing from Goethe's Faust. I should have recognized earlier that this was a shameless pilfering of Germany's greatest poet, as you later claim that "Mein Daumen Schwanz ist flamenwurfer" is a phrase that "never gets me any trim." Perhaps you will be interested to know that your claim, "My thumb-penis is flamethrower" will probably never get anyone any "trim." I will not even justify your comments on your friend "Heidi in Hamburg," as I am thoroughly convinced that A.) you are lying, and B.) this poor woman did not, as you assert, "dig on slobbing my knob in Hitler's bunker."
Nice thumb-penis
I found the conclusion of your trip in Italy fairly predictable. Your remarks on "hangin' brain all day" while you sat on the Spanish steps eating more "suck-ass pizza without shit for cheese or meat stuffed in the crust" proved to be more of the same philistine rambling you exhibit throughout the duration of your piece. And while the puzzling inclusion at the end of your piece of a poem entitled "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" (was that even intentional??) was certainly unpredictable, I found it was too late to redeem your piece.
Again, we thank you for your submission and wish you exceptional luck in placing it elsewhere.
Posts: 887 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:07:15 PM
Darren is all about the sciences and shit and I can't stand it. We're done being serious, because he is too needy and clutchy. We will still hang out and watch Anime together sometimes, but then he just ends up crying and asking why I don't love him the way he loves me. Ugh, what a fag!
The sad thing is that a lot of that mothers day story was true.
Oh, and Tiff, as your older brother I feel I should give you some advice. Don't over saturate these boards on your first day. It will make people hate you.
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:30:00 PM
i refuse to believe that there isn't a new dyke on the board. i WANT to believe it. i want to believe that she has been molested, many...MANY times by her mothers softball team, and you are not going to ruin this for me AB.
to believe, and also, so likely to climb a clock tower with an automatic weapon, I will retract my former statement.
The south will rise again!
Everybody else: while Ant is busy fantasizing about the south rising (this distraction always works on them). I must reiterate my point that patty and tatty are the force behind ms. TLamp
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:46:44 PM
damn you and your jedi mind tricks... its like i know that you're just trying to throw me off, but i can't resist.... i actually got wood while thinking about sending deathsquads into every home, business and bank in america and rounding up all the 5 dollar bills so that they could be burned. i'm gonna hit the john and think about what kind of suit al sharpton would look best in. he's to fat to pick, and his eloquent speech will be great for announcing guests. FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posts: 65 Rank: 43 Joined:
5/14/2007
Location:
Muffington, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:51:55 PM
I must contest your claims that I am the voluptuous Ms. Christine. I am the real deal. Tiffany Lamp, at your service, (yes Ant, I am bi.)
I must tell you that I did masturbate this morning to Christine's picture of her dressed like my brother. Soemthing about a strong (read: big-boned) girl with many facial features makes me want to strap-on my Alabama Black Snake and see if I can push her belly-button out from the inside.
Posts: 2036 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 3:12:51 PM
You said "I must tell you that I did masturbate this morning to Christine's picture of her dressed like my brother. "
I did the exact same thing on Friday.
I must warn you, Ant is not going to leave your side until you give him at least a boob shot, or a promise to come to Savannah and choke him (in more ways than one...get it? wink wink, nudge nudge)
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