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No undies here
Dear Mr. Nugent,
In response to your piece "Yourope," we would like to thank you for your submission before saying that the piece does not, unfortunately, meet our current needs. The writing is fraught with enthusiasm, but I feel it is held together by a narrative and vernacular that remains decidedly inaccessible to this editor.
You begin your piece strongly; I was particularly intrigued by your detailed account of packing for your trip. You capture the anxiety of preparing for a trans-continental voyage with elan, although I found your decision to "free-ball" it for the flight a bit unnerving. Do we need to know this kind of minutiae? I feel not. Furthermore, if, as you maintain, you were flying into Barajas airport in Madrid, I was confused over your notion that upon arrival you were going to "punch a Mexican then maybe try to take a dump because I get nervous and can't shit on plane trips." If this is your idea of hyperbole, I don't think it works in this instance and doesn't really fit with our tolerant credo.
Furthermore, upon your arrival, you fail to mention whether or not you punched anybody--Mexican, Spanish or otherwise. As for the dump, I can suspend belief to a point. Your segue from the "horse-shit excuse for a Big Mac" you had at the McDonald's along the Gran Via to missing the "minority-free pussy" of Concord, Michigan while regarding Notre Dame (For your files, the "retarded guy who lives in a bell" must be a reference to Victor Hugo's classic work of fiction, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, who is neither retarded nor resides in a bell, but I'm sure that, perhaps due to jet lag, you just became a little confused or were perhaps suffering from apoxia or garden variety mongloidism.) was at best choppy and bordered on non-existent. Was there nothing of note during the rest of your tenure in Spain? You make brief mention of "a pretty sweet beach where sluts wear thongs," but I'm still unclear as to where this is. Barcelona? San Sebatian? Nice? The reader is left in the proverbial obscurité.
I wish you had bigger titties
As for Paris, is "the headless bird-woman with smallish tits" you refer to the legendary Winged Victory (Nike of Samothrace) housed in the Louvre? You mention that "museums are for pussies," but I'm not clear where it was that you wrote the word "boner" on the "ass of the armless bitch." Are you suggesting that you graffitied the buttocks of the Venus de Milo? I must tell you that if this is the case, I am appalled, utterly. However, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, as one portion of your piece seems to evince the fact that you are not an abject moron.
"Der Worte sind genug gewechselt, lasst mich auch endlich Taten sehn!" you exclaim and I could not agree more. Enough words have indeed been exchanged; it's time to see a more active approach toward globalization and cultural understanding. Oh, wait. It has just occurred to me that you have lifted that particular musing from Goethe's Faust. I should have recognized earlier that this was a shameless pilfering of Germany's greatest poet, as you later claim that "Mein Daumen Schwanz ist flamenwurfer" is a phrase that "never gets me any trim." Perhaps you will be interested to know that your claim, "My thumb-penis is flamethrower" will probably never get anyone any "trim." I will not even justify your comments on your friend "Heidi in Hamburg," as I am thoroughly convinced that A.) you are lying, and B.) this poor woman did not, as you assert, "dig on slobbing my knob in Hitler's bunker."
Nice thumb-penis
I found the conclusion of your trip in Italy fairly predictable. Your remarks on "hangin' brain all day" while you sat on the Spanish steps eating more "suck-ass pizza without shit for cheese or meat stuffed in the crust" proved to be more of the same philistine rambling you exhibit throughout the duration of your piece. And while the puzzling inclusion at the end of your piece of a poem entitled "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" (was that even intentional??) was certainly unpredictable, I found it was too late to redeem your piece.
Again, we thank you for your submission and wish you exceptional luck in placing it elsewhere.
but these last two comments are making me queezy. Shartan, never tell us about masterbatory activities again. And DC, seriously before today, I never thought hetero sex could be a real turn off, but I was wrong, if it's trying to be "sweet" and "romantic" it's bordering on gay sex, and the two things that truly make me ill are romance and gay sex.
Posts: 65 Rank: 43 Joined:
5/14/2007
Location:
Muffington, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 4:30:10 PM
There is simply nothing hotter than being turned into a human glove.
I remember my first time. My mom's "friend", Leslie, who pitches for her softball team, got me drunk on Beefeater and then told me to relax and "just let it happen." She treated my pussy like it was a pumpkin that she was de-seeding. By the time she was done, you could've parked a mini-Cooper in me sideways.
Posts: 14 Rank: 70 Joined:
3/29/2007
Location:
LA, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 4:55:21 PM
of all of the sex acts that you could preform on a woman, i think fisting a girl is the weirdest. I mean I have a bigger than average package, but my fist is pretty fucking big. I couldn't look at a woman the same way after I made her a "Fuck Muppet".
Posts: 887 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 5:07:30 PM
Did you hear about Leslie and Kelly? Yeah, they totally split up. Something about Kelly not wanting her kids (remember when she was married to a dude? I know, weird...) to find out that their "spaceship collection" had nothing to do with inter-planetary exploration.
Toque - I have no idea where DStone is, and every time you bring up his name, a single salty tear runs down my leg. I mean cheek cheek! God I miss him...
Posts: 65 Rank: 43 Joined:
5/14/2007
Location:
Muffington, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 5:23:05 PM
I thought they had their "wedding" ceremony all planned at that Hatian church?! So sad :(
Oh well, it looks like I know where I am going tonight. Leslie's. There's nothing like allowing an aging lesbian on the rebound to ravage your body. Leslie has some amazing tricks that can make me cum quicker than the Rapture.
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