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No undies here
Dear Mr. Nugent,
In response to your piece "Yourope," we would like to thank you for your submission before saying that the piece does not, unfortunately, meet our current needs. The writing is fraught with enthusiasm, but I feel it is held together by a narrative and vernacular that remains decidedly inaccessible to this editor.
You begin your piece strongly; I was particularly intrigued by your detailed account of packing for your trip. You capture the anxiety of preparing for a trans-continental voyage with elan, although I found your decision to "free-ball" it for the flight a bit unnerving. Do we need to know this kind of minutiae? I feel not. Furthermore, if, as you maintain, you were flying into Barajas airport in Madrid, I was confused over your notion that upon arrival you were going to "punch a Mexican then maybe try to take a dump because I get nervous and can't shit on plane trips." If this is your idea of hyperbole, I don't think it works in this instance and doesn't really fit with our tolerant credo.
Furthermore, upon your arrival, you fail to mention whether or not you punched anybody--Mexican, Spanish or otherwise. As for the dump, I can suspend belief to a point. Your segue from the "horse-shit excuse for a Big Mac" you had at the McDonald's along the Gran Via to missing the "minority-free pussy" of Concord, Michigan while regarding Notre Dame (For your files, the "retarded guy who lives in a bell" must be a reference to Victor Hugo's classic work of fiction, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, who is neither retarded nor resides in a bell, but I'm sure that, perhaps due to jet lag, you just became a little confused or were perhaps suffering from apoxia or garden variety mongloidism.) was at best choppy and bordered on non-existent. Was there nothing of note during the rest of your tenure in Spain? You make brief mention of "a pretty sweet beach where sluts wear thongs," but I'm still unclear as to where this is. Barcelona? San Sebatian? Nice? The reader is left in the proverbial obscurité.
I wish you had bigger titties
As for Paris, is "the headless bird-woman with smallish tits" you refer to the legendary Winged Victory (Nike of Samothrace) housed in the Louvre? You mention that "museums are for pussies," but I'm not clear where it was that you wrote the word "boner" on the "ass of the armless bitch." Are you suggesting that you graffitied the buttocks of the Venus de Milo? I must tell you that if this is the case, I am appalled, utterly. However, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, as one portion of your piece seems to evince the fact that you are not an abject moron.
"Der Worte sind genug gewechselt, lasst mich auch endlich Taten sehn!" you exclaim and I could not agree more. Enough words have indeed been exchanged; it's time to see a more active approach toward globalization and cultural understanding. Oh, wait. It has just occurred to me that you have lifted that particular musing from Goethe's Faust. I should have recognized earlier that this was a shameless pilfering of Germany's greatest poet, as you later claim that "Mein Daumen Schwanz ist flamenwurfer" is a phrase that "never gets me any trim." Perhaps you will be interested to know that your claim, "My thumb-penis is flamethrower" will probably never get anyone any "trim." I will not even justify your comments on your friend "Heidi in Hamburg," as I am thoroughly convinced that A.) you are lying, and B.) this poor woman did not, as you assert, "dig on slobbing my knob in Hitler's bunker."
Nice thumb-penis
I found the conclusion of your trip in Italy fairly predictable. Your remarks on "hangin' brain all day" while you sat on the Spanish steps eating more "suck-ass pizza without shit for cheese or meat stuffed in the crust" proved to be more of the same philistine rambling you exhibit throughout the duration of your piece. And while the puzzling inclusion at the end of your piece of a poem entitled "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" (was that even intentional??) was certainly unpredictable, I found it was too late to redeem your piece.
Again, we thank you for your submission and wish you exceptional luck in placing it elsewhere.
Posts: 2036 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 5/14/2007 6:35:56 PM
I just got back from a freakin 4 hour meeting. I can't believe that it takes four hours and twenty grown adults to decide what fucking font should be used on the new software application. What the hell is wrong with Arial? Seriously! At one point I was in such a daze that I forgot where I was and allowed a squeaker to slip past the brown gates.
Well, after three people argued for an hour and a half about the professional differences between Arial, Book Antiquita, Times New Roman and Garramond, they finally decided that Times New Roman would be best (not my choice at all).
Posts: 452 Rank: 28 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/15/2007 10:35:36 AM
Shocking, isn't it? I think DLamp is either a great character actor, or the fucking funniest case of schizophrenia I have ever come across. I am pissing myself!
Posts: 65 Rank: 43 Joined:
5/14/2007
Location:
Muffington, CA
Posted: 5/15/2007 11:46:55 AM
One could say that we are the same person since we did come from the same egg. (Did I mention that I was born a couple of minutes earlier than Danny?)
I went to Leslie's condo last night. I had to call into work this morning on account that I can't stand straight up for fear that my uterus may fall out.
You'll never guess who I bumped into last night when I stopped at The G-Spot. DARREN! I know you said you guys were through, but Danny, he is NOT under that impression at all. You may want t o have a talk with him. I'm just sayin'.
Posts: 887 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 5/15/2007 11:51:58 AM
Yeah yeah yeah, you may be a few minutes older, but I'm a couple inches taller, so that still makes me your big brother, and I'm still going to be there to watch out for you. That being said, be careful with Leslie. I've seen her throw, and if that cannon translates to the bedroom, you could be in some serious trouble.
And yes, I know about Darren. He drunk-texted me at 3 a.m. this morning. I swear I could hear him crying through his typing.
Posts: 65 Rank: 43 Joined:
5/14/2007
Location:
Muffington, CA
Posted: 5/15/2007 12:10:37 PM
TIFFANY LAMP!
You know, Antony, if you keep calling me by my aunt's name, I WILL draw blood from your cock like my name was Lorena Bobbit.
Danny - I will always consider you my big bro (even if I can out run you and my bowling average is WAY higher.) Yeah, Darren was pretty sauced when I saw him. I can't tel if it's obsession or true love with him. You may need to move.
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