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My nipples feel dirty
Bolstered by the wild success of the series: Criss Angel Mindfreak, Criss's younger, more annoying younger brother Timm has assembled a DVD featuring numerous "acts," from his one (and only) performance at an unspecified auditorium on the outskirts of Trenton, New Jersey in March of 2007. The following is a sneak peek at this remarkable, once in a liftemine performance that has The New York Times raving, "Who in the shit is Timm Angel, and how'd you get past security?"
Where's My Weiner(s)?
The audience is asked to look under their seats for garbage then urged to go to the bathrooms located at both the front and rear exits of the theatre to wash their hands. When they return, Angel creates a diversion by vacuuming the orchestra pit while his assistants arrange a quantity of hot-dogs behind a hidden curtain to resemble the Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao. Once Angel returns from a microdermabrasion bath, he pulls the curtain to reveal that the hot dogs have been cleaned up and the surrounding area has been disinfected with carbolic acid, creating the illusion that the weenies were never there. Angel then sets himself ablaze and disappears into a large vat filled with bleach.
Hot Foot
After waiting in line to be deloused by a blast of pure lye from a German Panzerschreck, the audience is told that Angel is using a custom bathroom designed by NASA and will be back in a few moments. When the audience towels off and goes to reclaim their shoes with one of those numbered slips of paper that you get in line at the DPS office, a surprised attendant informs the theatre-goers that their number is "not a match" Disgruntled and bemused, the theatre-goers trundle back into the performance hall and are drilled with baby powder from a 120mm anti-tank gun. When the powder clears, there's Angel, standing in a Hazmat suit in front of a giant burning pyre made up of sundry pairs of shoes. Angel then gives a brief lecture on the dangers that can occur when dermatophytes grow and multiply in the skin.
House Cleaning
Onlookers watch in amazement as Angel has an audience member place a crumpled up Snickers wrapper inside his trailer. Just when it seems that Angel will fall-over in a fit of psychosis, he manages to produce a lighter and some butane and sets his trailer ablaze. The audience member is then challenged to "find" the wrapper, but in true Angel fashion, the detritus is nowhere to be found amongst the smoldering rubble. Angel then follows an Explosive Ordnance Disposal team around, choreographing the clean-up effort and reciting all diseases that start with the letter "L" beginning at Labial Herpes and ending at Lymphoma (Non-Hodgkins) .
Sudz
My poop is space-age, yo
A volunteer is escorted on stage and told to stand with his head facing magnetic north so the opposing poles don't cause him/her to have an unexpected bowel movement on stage. As Mendelssohn's St. Paul Oratorio blares over the sound-system, the mood grows tense as Angel is nowhere to be seen. The audience is told to watch the ceiling. After 45 minutes, nothing happens and when the audience members threaten to sue, they are ushered outside to the sight of Angel, washing their cars with a blowtorch and a pail of soapy napalm. As an encore, it is revealed--through mirrors--that the volunteer escorted on stage at the beginning of the show has become disillusioned and left the facility.
Now You See It...
Timm Angel stands completely inert onstage, his enormous shadow projected onto the large stage curtain. An air of majesty permeates the theatre. Silent awe morphs into nonplussed grumbling, as it's been 4 hours and there he is up there, still standing. Then, with an ersatz thunderclap, the lights come on to reveal that what the audience has been thinking was Timm Angel is actually just a cardboard cut-out of Timm Angel. A large screen then descends from the ceiling revealing a live audio/video feed of Angel inside a hyperbaric chamber somewhere on the outskirts of Zurich, reading a copy of "Contract Bidding for the Janitorial Business Vol. IV." The audience, swept up in the excitement, manufacture makeshift torches out of their playbills and torch the theatre.
Bonus Features and out-takes: --Hilarity ensues when Angel is trapped in an elevator with a group of day laborers.
--Extended lecture on dermatophytes presented by Angel to the CDC in Atlanta. From outside the building. On the lawn.
Beat it--I'm reading
--A tense day during filming sees Angel retreat into his trailer and alphabetize a bowl of Cocoa Puffs
--Timm's brother Criss pays a visit to the show. The brothers laugh and relive old times, until a press conference in which Kriss empties a Port-O-Potty using teleportation onto Timm's head threatens to drive a wedge between the two.
--Timm Angel: Philanthropist (a brief expose that follows Angel's dedication to giving money to children who promise not to touch him).
great writing as always, but the subject matter just didn't play that well. It was kind of amusing, but I think my personal hatred for criss angel and clean freaks combined to build a burning rage in me that made me immune to somewhat comical here.
Don't listen to any of these d-bags that say you're putting too much out. If you write 9 articles a week and 7 of them are good, that's a pretty strong record. PS. your mother says hi... and it wouldn't kill you bring some flowers or something when you come over for sunday dinner.
Posts: 2036 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 5/30/2007 11:55:58 AM
Maybe it's because I have a very basic sense of humor, but I loved this article. I am a huge sucker for random humor, and this was definately random. The part about the audience watching a cardboard cut out for four hour cracked me up.
Posts: 177 Rank: 50 Joined:
4/8/2007
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 5/30/2007 2:52:11 PM
dc was going down on me this one time and I busted all over his grill, and the spooge made this sorta ovular shape, but imperfect. Something came over me, and I just had to make it a perfect oval. Took dc another four hours and six more nuts to get it right. Then we stole a cow.
Posts: 452 Rank: 28 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/30/2007 3:32:14 PM
My father's cousin had ocd and a germ-o-phobe. The funiest info about him that I was told is that he could not wear condoms because something about the latex would make him have to vigorously wash it under cold water and place in ice to keep germs off. This would never work, because a cold condom would cause with wood to go away.
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