Every other Wednesday, Ryan McKee will imagine what it might be like to date your friends. You submit your friend's MySpace page, and he will date them. Maybe even for real.
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The infamous blogger who outed Doogie Howser and Lance Bass (more like Lance Ass, right ladies!) turned his sights on me last week in this post:
Writer Ryan McKee likes to play up his machismo in his well-read and controversial Phat Phree column, "iDate Your Friends." However, anybody with half a battery in their gaydar knows this flamer munches more brown cock than Tony Soprano munches cannoli.
Rather than deny his claims publicly like gay Clay Aiken, I decided to show Perez that I'm not gay by going on a date with him. He would see how much I don't enjoy myself in his homosexual bear embrace and he would retract his previous claims.
The Date
When I pick up Perez, he's screaming at "some bitch" over the phone about "the exact weight Portney Spears has ballooned to."
"Do you know who I am?" he screams into his iPhone with the rainbow sticker on the back.
Apparently the woman doesn't know because the vein in his forehead throbs bigger than a cock in a gay porn . . . er, I mean, a regular porn . . . of course I wouldn't know how big a gay cock throbs . . . I just imagine that, you know, it's pretty big . . . not that I really imagine it or whatever.
"Oh, it's on now, bitch!" he screams. "I'm gonna out you. I'm gonna OUT the fuck outta you!"
He hangs up, gulps down his remaining Mai Tai, and his queer eye for the straight guy wanders over to me.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the sissy boy who's come to proves he's some kind of man," he smirks like Gomer Pyle in Full Metal Jacket before he turns the rifle on himself.
"Yes, I mean, no, I mean, I'm no sissy boy," I stammer. "Would a sissy boy take you for Pink's Hot Dogs?
What says barbecue, baseball, and macho more than a hot dog? And Pink's are the best. There is no way he can spin that gay.
At Pink's, we get our hot dogs (Perez puts mayo on his, very European) and sit down. Perez immediately begins deep-throating his hot dog. He gets the whole foot-long in his mouth and doesn't gag. He pulls it back out. All of the mayo is gone except a little in the corner of his mouth.
"Oh my gaaaaawwwwdd! There's Chad Michael Murray and oh, eww, gross. Whose that total skank he's with?"
"Uh, I don' even know who that is."
"What?! Don't you watch 'One Tree Hill'? Man, I swore he's totally Gay, Gay, Gay."
He starts taking photos of them with his iPhone. Then he starts posting a blog about it online.
Look at this photo. No one knew he was gay before?
"So . . . I was thinking . . ."
Perez puts his finger to my lips and whispers, "Shh, shh, Honey. Daddy's working right now. It is cute that you think I care what you have to say though."
After the hot dog diabolical, I decide anything to do with cars will be manly. Real men love cars. James Dean died in a car.
My first thought is to work on my car in front of him, maybe get all greasy, change the oil or something. But then I remembered I don't know how to do any of that stuff. About the only thing I know how to do to my car is wash it. So off we go to a self-service car wash.
"Why are we stopping here?" asks Perez.
"My car needs washing. That's a manly thing to do together," I say and step out of the car.
He rolls his eyes and lisps, "You are such a weird queer."
"I'm not a weird queer!" I scream at him through the window. Then I turn and look to my left.
A little black girl with pigtails is standing right there. When my eyes meet hers, she runs away, yelling: "Daddy, daddy, two queers are fighting!"
"Nice one, queer," Perez sneers.
"I'm not!" I say and stomp my foot.
"Hey! You two fags are scaring my little girl!" says a voice from behind me. I turn around and see Hollywood's number one homophobe, Isiah Washington from Grey's Anatomy.
"Oh, hey man, no worries, I'm totally not gay," I say.
"Yes, he is!" Perez yells from the car.
"Whatever, man! Just cut it out before I have to beat both your asses!" he says.
Seizing the opportunity to prove I'm straight, I throw a right hook at Washington. But he catches in his hand like the Terminator. Wow! Even black people from privileged upbringings can fight.
Perez spraying us down.
Wait, maybe not . . .
He slaps me like Richard Simmons throwing a hissy about the wrong kind of frozen yogurt. I slap him back. He pulls me close. Wait, what's he doing? His supple lips only centimeters from my face. He kisses me. I resist at first, then a feeling of security washes over me like a baby wrapped in a warm blanket.
Suddenly Perez is spraying us with the car wash hose. Well, now our clothes are wet, so we have to take them off . . .
I kind of black out at that point, because the next thing I know, I'm handcuffed and the cops are pulling me from the Perez and Isiah sandwich. They throw me into the back of the squad car naked. The paparazzi are there. And I see dozens of flashbulbs going off.
This will not bode well for my image. Nor Isiah Washington's daughter's psyche. She was watching the whole time.
but I couldn't throw you a fiver on this one, it wasnt' you, it was the material. I've also never heard of this person and really think that he should be buried alive in a casket full of fire ants now that I have. This is the kind of useless human beings darwinism is supposed to thin from the herd.
Now can we take the warning labels and instructions off of everything? Is this what you want the world to come to?
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 7/18/2007 11:17:19 AM
Having lived with a woman for a couple years I, unfortunately, know who this guy is as my ex-girlfriend read his blog a lot. There is no death horrible enough that he could suffer.
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 7/18/2007 11:41:50 AM
He is fat and gay, i was under the impression that most gay guys were in decent shape? If there are any butt fucking homos here could you tell me if i'm right or wrong.
and i'm actually getting a good laugh out of the Staw. Drugs really fucked him and Doc up. I saw Doc start in Buffalo (AAA ball), he threw 1 pitch it was a HR and he was removed from the game. I'll never forget thinking, too bad Doc and Strawberry coulda been something
One more from Doc. When he was with Cleveland late in his career, he started game 3 in the wild card round. 1st inning, ump misses an out call at home, Doc yells in his face "Get in the fucking game!" Clearly audible to anyone watching, the tv announcers froze, and Doc got tossed.
He's such a badass, at least he won a Cy Young and MVP-unlike your worthless ass Straw/Shartan.
Posts: 80 Rank: 36 Joined:
4/25/2007
Location:
OFallon, MO
Posted: 7/18/2007 12:18:24 PM
You just keep on givin Vertigo. I be tryin to make it right ya know. Get my swing back. I had the sweetest swing in baseball! And thank you very much Mr. DC Dick Chuggins the time that I spent in Tampa is when I got caught and put on tv so all you cracka Steinbrenner types could feel better about me using my dick knock your ovaries outta the park! When I had my shit straight and wasn't getting busted and stuck on court tv, I was in Coconut Grove riding the Tu-can Sam rocker. Shit man, you ain nothing man, when me and Doc was comin up we coulda been special!
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