Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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"No your honor I only commandeered the car so that the black kid could chase my friends down at 100 MPH. How could I have known she was calling 911 because she thought I was gonna OJ her in that white GMC. And in retrospect, maybe I should have gone to Reno instead of Vegas when I got out of rehab, but at least I didn't drive the wrong way down the 134 like Nicole, or shave my head to show off the sausage rolls on my neck like Brit. I mean seriously your honor; Brandy like even totally killed people with her car. I can't possibly be in that kind of trouble. Look, how about I take my panties off and flash you and the jury my freckly vertical fur frown and you let me out of here so I can go plug my new movie on "Letterman" tonight? I'll even autograph a copy of Herbie Fully Loaded for your kids if you let me go in time to catch "Extra". Mark McGrath's frosted tips are so hot. Pretty please. I'm not nearly as fucked up as Jodie Sweetin. She was on like crystal meth before "Pants Off Dance Off". I mean, even the Olsen Twins know that coke is totally the thing right now. Meth is so 2001. And I swear I only let Michael Vick take care of my puppy that one time.
Seriously your honor what do I have to do to get out of here? I'll do a cameo on Willie Ames' "Bibleman". I'll write a essay for Vanity Fair about wreckless driving. Jesus, all Mel had to do was go to temple. Besides, Sherriff Baca is gonna let me out tomorrow anyway so can't we just cut out the middleman? I'll go outside and cry right now so the paparazzi can have their little embarrassing photo of me. Isn't that the worst punishment anyway? I figure sending me out to the cameras is like the Princess Di death sentence anyway, so will you just let me go? I promise I will never eat Wendy's on camera, or call myself Celestia, or jump on anyone's sofa ever. Just please set me free."
"Okay Ms. Lohan, we'll let you go this time, but only because your father threatened to pistol whip your kid brother Cody if we didn't. Case dismissed!"
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
That's right muggles, the woman who stole the idea for an empire from a shitty B-movie has killed off everyone's favorite wand waving q-tip. Yep, Dumbledore is dead. What pisses me off is that I saw Troll too. But I was too busy trying to freeze frame Julia Louis-Dreyfuss running naked through the woods to come up with a whole world of witchcraft and a little boy to walk through it. But JK stole the whole idea of a magical world hidden away from regular people and even lifted the name Harry Potter in the process. So if that's all it takes I can't wait for everyone to read my next book Ash Williams and the Deadly Demon Diary. In the book my totally original main character Ash finds an evil book in the forest that leads him into a whole world of magical miscreants and zombies that he must fight off with a chainsaw, a shotgun and a spork.
By the way, if you think I even halfway thought about actually reading this book then you probably have me mistaken for the kind of guy that would run out and buy some more Scott Tissue instead of using the 784 perfectly good sheets of large print fag boy writing that JK's publisher conveniently sent me to wipe my ass with. If I hadn't been checking to see if I had popped a hemorrhoid then I would have never seen the words "Dumbledore is dead" on the bloody brown page. But I did. So I can at least report to you that one of these gay ass characters is dead and that my proctologist has his work cut out for him. If you're pissed that I ruined the end of the book, then obviously this is the only website you read. There is already a site called DumbledoreIsNotDead.com that has as many theories about why the maturing mage is still alive as HBO viewers have ridiculous theories about the end of the "Sopranos" being Tony's last breath. But JK says the old prick is dead in her world. And it stands to reason since she wouldn't really need him for a sequel if she decided to print some more money for herself in the future.
Look, if I really want to read something at a 5th grade level I'll just turn the close captions on when I'm watching Girls Gone Wild infomercials. But a Tolstoy length novel shouldn't read like a PG version of Penthouse letters. I'm done with Harry. JK has enough money to buy her own small country, so here's hoping she does and gets a staph infection in her wizard's sleeve and dies within the first week before she ever thinks of writing more gibberish words and adolescent hijinx filled with unnamed badguys and a revolving door of dark arts defending dumbasses. Hairy Pooper is more dead to me than Dumbledore, unless of course Hermoine grows some double large D's by the time the make this film. Then I'll be glad to spend some more money on this magical world of wizards and witchcraft.
What do you get when four girls from different backgrounds abandon their respective cliques and form a whole new annoying clique of their own? Answer: "The View". Or in this case you get four girls who look like they had their eyes glued opened for a bukkake film on an endless shopping spree. That's right, while you may have to wait years for a My Little Pony live action movie, the wide-eyed girl's toy Bratz finally come to life in their own live action clunker that will surely be more annoying on endless DVD loop on preteen televisions around the world than it is in the theater. It's basically like hanging out in a mall shoe store on a buy one get one free day. In fact the only thing good I kind find about this movie is that the Paula Abdul was fired as a producer before it was finished. How fucking drunk do you have to be to get fired off of a movie that's only goal is to be slightly better than Spice World. If you hate yourself and have grown tired of slicing your lips and tongue with razor sharp Christmas tree tinsel then I highly recommend you run right out and see this one.
Matt Damon is back as a script stealing, academy award winning hack in this action adventure drama thrilleromedy. This time he will stop at nothing to find out the truth behind who he really is. He'll travel back to where it all began, Cambridge Mass where he'll discover the secrets of his own past. Will he be able to handle the knowledge that his best friend Ben once slipped him a mickey so he could see what it felt like to finger another man's butt? Will he ever be able to forgive himself for accepting an academy award that obviously should have gone to Kevin Smith or for sticking his Rainmaker in Wynona "I'd Love To" Ryder even after Soul Asylum's Dave Pirner had ruined any cleanliness her vagina may have once had. Or will he finally remember that he has already repaid his debt to Smith and the world with his appearance in Dogma?
Sure he's no Jason Statham, but Damon does his best to make this movie better than XXX: State of The Union, so at least there's that. And there's the fact that Julia Styles manages to have a small part that doesn't involve dating a black guy or speaking in Iambic Pentameter. Personally I'm still more partial to the Richard Chamberlain version from the 80's. I mean nothing says badass more than a guy who was in Shogun, The Towering Inferno, The Three Musketeers, and played Alan Quartermain. Can the Talented Mr. Ripley really compete with that? But in the end I like movies where cars go fast, shit gets blown up, and asses get kicked, so even with a script that make my skin crawl like a huffer who just did four wippits, I guess I kinda enjoyed this Americanized version of a European action movie. Just don't think that means I'm gonna be revisisting The Brothers Grimm anytime soon because of it.
1. I haven't gotten to see Simpsons The Movie yet, but I hear that they actually manage to break some new ground with the 19 year old characters. Which is great, however, I'd like to know what you would like to see your favorite Simpsons character do on the big screen?
2. Caption This
3. My best friend Shrapnel had a woman refuse to go out with him when he showed up to pick her up in his '78 AMC Pacer. Personally I think that car is a classic, but she told him it was a deal breaker. That got me wondering, what are your biggest turn offs?
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 7/27/2007 11:26:47 AM
all of these should be read in the gravelpit voice of marge simpson's sister. 1. "well, you definetly aint no young dustin hoffman, but your pink envelop is under my desk, floating right next to the little man in the boat, now get down there and earn it fatboy..."
2. "..listen, i love how you bake muffins and shit for the office every monday, i'm know that must cut into your freetime on the weekends (laughs hysterically right in spart's mug) but yeah, here's your pink envelop...there's a pink slip inside. go fuck yourself."
3. "..for you timmy, a "pink envelop", for you sally, a "pink envelop", for you spartan, a "brown-eye and kiss goodbye"..."
Yea, I saw a picture of my great great grandfather once, He looked just like Abraham Lincoln (beard and all).
1. I would love to see the Simpson's get evitced and move to the hood. Marge could change her hair to braids, Homer becomes a drunk, Bart starts selling drugs and supports the family, the sisters move in. Lisa becomes a video hoe!
2. This is the reason I DONT go near the locker room in the gym I work at. I hear this type of shit goes on all the time in there.
3. -Fake hair that has been left in too long (that shit starts to smell) -MILF's with teenage sons (teenage daughters are fine, plus they have friends) -The fat person smell
"I ain't a killer but don't push me. You nigga's still talkin, you nigga's still breathin"
Posts: 2115 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 7/27/2007 11:43:23 AM
Yours were not funny. The fact that a fucking VP used the term "pink envelope" in a communication is pure comedy. Now put the pudding down and concentrate.
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 7/27/2007 11:53:19 AM
the history channel AND the discovery channel, eh?
you sir, are either a big fat PHONY, or worse yet, a LIAR! i have known literally 10 or a dozen black people on more than a passing basis, and not one of them have i ever seen watch anything but "the kings of comedy" on vhs.
Posts: 2923 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 7/27/2007 11:56:22 AM
Don't do this. I'll let you slide cause you are having a shitty week. You're right, your boss saying "pink envelope" when there are, in existence, actual pink envelopes is hysterical.
I've nver had pudding in my life. Pudding pops? yes, but actual blobby, thick, nasty looking pudding? no.
Reminds me of a joke though:
three couples are at a dinner together all celebrating their anniversaries. they are, for the most part, trying to rekindle their love. The first husband says to his wife, "could you pass the pudding, my little pudding". the 2nd guy says, "could you please pass the sugar, sugar?" the third guy, doesn't even look up at his wife and says, "Pass the pork, pig".
"You can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind, cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, then they're, no friends of mine"
Come on man, don't talk to digger like the rest of the embarrassments in savannah. Read his post #104 from yesterday, digger is quite bright and has some strategies you could appreciate. Also, kings of comedy joke was flat as a pancake.
Google Matt Damon's wife, he's gone as far below his station as TMan has gone above his.
"Wanna be starting something, wanna be starting something."
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 7/27/2007 12:01:57 PM
first of all, the kings of comedy thing was funny, because it is 100% true. given, if i spent more time with black people, the spell would probably be broken, but i think i'll just stay where am i on the count because it feels good to say it. second, i don't dislike digger, but i do dislike fat people. and urban slang.
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That's right muggles, the woman who stole the idea for an empire from a shitty B-movie has killed off everyone's favorite wand waving q-tip. Yep, Dumbledore is dead. What pisses me off is that I saw Troll too. But I was too busy trying to freeze frame Julia Louis-Dreyfuss running naked through the woods to come up with a whole world of witchcraft and a little boy to walk through it. But JK stole the whole idea of a magical world hidden away from regular people and even lifted the name Harry Potter in the process. So if that's all it takes I can't wait for everyone to read my next book Ash Williams and the Deadly Demon Diary. In the book my totally original main character Ash finds an evil book in the forest that leads him into a whole world of magical miscreants and zombies that he must fight off with a chainsaw, a shotgun and a spork. 
What do you get when four girls from different backgrounds abandon their respective cliques and form a whole new annoying clique of their own? Answer: "The View". Or in this case you get four girls who look like they had their eyes glued opened for a bukkake film on an endless shopping spree. That's right, while you may have to wait years for a My Little Pony live action movie, the wide-eyed girl's toy Bratz finally come to life in their own live action clunker that will surely be more annoying on endless DVD loop on preteen televisions around the world than it is in the theater. It's basically like hanging out in a mall shoe store on a buy one get one free day. In fact the only thing good I kind find about this movie is that the Paula Abdul was fired as a producer before it was finished. How fucking drunk do you have to be to get fired off of a movie that's only goal is to be slightly better than Spice World. If you hate yourself and have grown tired of slicing your lips and tongue with razor sharp Christmas tree tinsel then I highly recommend you run right out and see this one.
Matt Damon is back as a script stealing, academy award winning hack in this action adventure drama thrilleromedy. This time he will stop at nothing to find out the truth behind who he really is. He'll travel back to where it all began, Cambridge Mass where he'll discover the secrets of his own past. Will he be able to handle the knowledge that his best friend Ben once slipped him a mickey so he could see what it felt like to finger another man's butt? Will he ever be able to forgive himself for accepting an academy award that obviously should have gone to Kevin Smith or for sticking his Rainmaker in Wynona "I'd Love To" Ryder even after Soul Asylum's Dave Pirner had ruined any cleanliness her vagina may have once had. Or will he finally remember that he has already repaid his debt to Smith and the world with his appearance in Dogma?
