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Can I get email on this?
The cell phone, could it be the most torturous invention in history? Possibly. I'd put it somewhere between a cattle prod and an iron maiden. Cell phones are the bane of my existence. I'm not alone, hence the countless jokes and stories about the asshole on his phone in the movie theater, the assholess on her phone in the car, etc. Somewhere around the mid 90s I missed a big meeting. One where it was decided that being found anywhere, anytime by anyone was now a good thing. It's NOT a good thing. There are times you just do not need to be located. Just a couple examples: If one were being copulated behind Thirsty's Gentlemen's Club in Van Nuys (ask for Loraine); or if you were nestled in the far corner of your office parking lot, trying to nap your way through a workday afternoon.
Like everyone else, I have a cell phone. But last week a miracle happened, it broke. It may been from dropping it into a toilet (#1 only, otherwise you gotta just flush it), or from squeezing it too hard during phone sex with a "Feisty BBW seeking verbal degradation, NSA" Either way, it was a blessing. But I would now be forced to get by the way early man once did, without the use of a cell phone. What are the necessary skills for survival?
Laying the Groundwork: I changed my outgoing message to alert the three or four people who've ever called me in my life. "Hi, my phone is acting worse than the cast of a 2AM Cinemax flick, but I am checking messages. So leave one and I'll call you back when they come out with a version of the iPhone worth buying."
I don't even have a land line at home anymore so that's not an option. I could use my neighbor's, but her place reeks so strongly of cat shit you'd actually smell it on the other end of the line. I'm almost completely off the grid. Maybe that Unabomber guy was on to something.
How to Make Outgoing Calls:
1) Mooching Off Others- Even in 2007, people are a little hesitant to let others borrow their phone, as though you're actually going to steal it. This, despite the fact that I'm standing right here, two feet away and I've known you for twelve years. Let's see, when your phone first came out, it cost $250. Three months later you could get it for $39.99. It's now worth less than the toy cell phone filled with gumballs they sell at Walgreen's. I don't fucking want it.
"But I don't want to go over my minutes." Minutes? I'm making a 20 second call to check my voicemail. I promise I won't cut into any precious baby talk time with your special wovey dovey. "No I love you more...no I love you more...uh uh, I do..."
The other problem is that if they do let you use their phone, with the push of a button they can check on whomever it was you just called. So if you're using it to arrange a coke-fueled romp with a tranny escort, they've got you dead to rights.
2) Payphones- Unfortunately there's roughly 10 payphones left in the entire state of California, tops. What's more, to compensate the cost is now about 1500 cents a call. In dimes, that comes out to somewhere around 9 pounds. At one point last week I actually needed to make a call, so I began to search for a payphone. Even if you're lucky enough to find one that tests negative for Herpes and West Nile, chances are only about four of the original twelve buttons remain on the phone. Once inside tread lightly, as your feet may adhere to the floor from gum, dried semen or the melted carcass of a Baby Ruth. Should this happen, chances are some citizen was good enough to leave a razor blade in the coin return slot and you can cut yourself free.
I was unable to locate a suitable payphone, but I was eventually allowed to use the phone at a newsstand near my house, only after I bought something. As I thumbed through my new copy of Cat Fancy, I discovered I had a voicemail! Someone actually called me!
Aw, what a shame.
"Necessitan dinero ahora mismo? Despues de sus payday? Pues, llaman los..."
3) Restaurants- Restaurants are chock full o' phones, and with some decent manners, you can usually use one. While out at dinner one night, I approached the bartender to see if one were available. Man to man, I looked him square in the eye, "Boysenberry Cosmo please, with a Midori chaser. Oh and can I use your phone?"
Turns out some places, this one included, have "Courtesy Phones" in the back of the restaurant. It's free! What's more courteous than that? I can call whomever I want. My great aunt in Secaucus has never been so surprised. Granted it was 10:30PM where she lived, almost time to get up for that early bird breakfast. Then I called Loraine to see how long Thirsty's is open till. I also called the front of the restaurant to mention how the bartender punched me when I ordered my drink.
Driving- Driving is now almost fun again. Cruising along without carrying on an exhaustive conversation, while the ever-warming handset slow-roasts your brain tumors like a Koo Koo Roo rotisserie. The only "multi-tasking" I have to do is air drumming to "Cum On Feel the Noize" while picking my nose on the sly at red lights.
Texting- Without your cell phone, texting is also off the menu, and it's a real shame. Because nothing conveys your innermost feelings to that special someone like a smiley face made out of the same punctuation marks cartoonists use to symbolize the word "Motherfucker." Thanks for the heartfelt message, go eat a 8==D
Meeting People- This is the true litmus test. Given a time and a place, can people still be counted on to show up anymore? There are few things worse than getting 25 phone calls, increasing in frequency, as the person you're waiting to meet makes concentric circles around your destination.
"Almost there, had to pick up my Playstation at Ronnie's, sorry."
"Hey my friend wants to stop for chili fries, want anything?"
"The place is on South Garfield Ave., right?"
Hot pussy!
"No, it's on North Garfield Ave...you're in Compton right now."
Always meet somewhere with alcohol so if they can't make it, at least you can still drink. In fact by the next morning you may not even remember you were supposed to meet in the first place. All is forgiven.
And if you're the no-show, you can now test out a basic, universal rule of communication: 1) If you wait a week to call somebody, that's pushing it. 2) If you wait two weeks, you're a real dick. 3) But if you wait three weeks or longer, then it's like hearing from an old friend after years apart. "Hey! How the hell have ya been?! I haven't talked to you in forever!"
Tomorrow I'm finally getting a new phone. I don't even know why anymore. Life without a cell phone is incredibly relaxing. If you do have the chance to accidentally drop your phone on the sidewalk, accidentally kick it out into the street just as a bus is accidentally driving by, I'd highly recommend it. Oh, hold on, my pager's blowin' up.
hook me up w/ lil sis, we got a lot in common. I missed 94 days my senior year, and had to spend 6 hours a day in the library for a month after graduation. I seriously read and learned more in that month than I did all through school.
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