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So good. So Sizzler.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT—After enjoying a quiet dinner at Sizzler on Main St. Friday night, a nondescript family of six took turns defecating in a single men's restroom toilet without flushing it, Sizzler officials said.
"It smells like fucking shit," Sizzler manager Pete Klausen said Saturday. "This Gang Dump was a cowardly act!"
The giant pile of shit was discovered by weekend opening manger Charlene Thompson early Saturday morning. The night crew had apparently gotten drunk and stoned and forgot to clean the restrooms Friday night.
"I thought I farted out in the parking lot," Thomson said. "But when I got closer to the building I knew it wasn't me. When I unlocked and opened the door a strong waft of shit hit me right in the face. I vomited all over the welcome mat."
Sizzler employees said the dinning family was completely normal.
"It was an average family, " hostess Michelle Rup said. "The father was in his thirties and the mother was very pretty. The kids were all well behaved and blonde haired and blue eyed. There were two boys and two girls, probably between five and seventeen. I just don't understand why they'd make a small child do something like that."
Waiter Jim Hernandez didn't notice anything unusual Friday night. "I was getting the check and we were ready to close," he said. "They were having desert and they had tipped really well. I noticed each one got up and went to the restroom but I didn't think anything of it."
"I saw them go into the bathroom," busboy Mike Loomis said. "It was weird. The mother went into the men's room with the little girl. Then I saw the each of the brothers go in. I knew something was up when I saw the older sister go in. I never heard the toilet flush once."
Sizzler officials say the father was the mastermind behind the defecation.
"He paid in cash," Klausen said. " And I know for a fact he was the last one out. There's a log the size of a baby's leg sitting on a shit pie in there."
Apparently none of the family used toilet paper or bothered to wash their hands. "They just went in real fast and came back out again," Loomis said. "The mother and the kids were out in the car waiting when dad was done. He must have exploded his colon dropping that bomb." Complicating matters, Klausen said the gang-dumped stall was reserved for handicapped customers.
"You know, it's one thing to do something that horrible in regular toilet. But when you've gone and shit all over the physically challenged you've gone to far!"
Sizzler on Main St. will be closed for the next week while fumigating and fixing the plumbing.
Posts: 1088 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 8/6/2007 11:41:01 AM
Spoil your dream? I figured you would be frantically searching myspace for her page at this point. I could have just given you the keys to graceland my friend.
Sorry DC. Incidentally does DC stand for desperate codger? An innocent question.
In the spirit, a game:
ugotdorkd is hotter than:
Picante sauce on a spanish omelet with coffee to drink A check from thefilth Joe DiMaggio during the hit streak and banging Marilyn Monroe Ty Webb on the back nine in Caddyshack An Ornette Coleman solo 15% of AB's rotation
"Shake for me girl, I wanna be your backdoor man."
Posts: 419 Rank: 49 Joined:
4/9/2007
Location:
Littleton-ish, CO
Posted: 8/6/2007 11:54:14 AM
hotter than:
- an Escalade in Compton - Guatemalan Insanity Peppers - Elisabeth Shue in 'Palmetto' (close, though) - The skin burns on Spartans hand after "naughty things"
Posts: 266 Rank: 28 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 8/6/2007 11:54:57 AM
(thanks Spartan), We just finished watching my friend fight in an amateur cage match in Indianapolis around midnight, and we stopped to get food at a Steak and Shake. This was the first meal I had in about 24 hours, and then we proceeded to drive back up to Western University in Kalamazoo, which was about 5 hours away. While driving and drinking Wild Turkey and 5 O'Clock, we eventually made it to Western around 5 a.m. At that time, I was about to explode in my pants. So, wincing in pain as I try to squeeze my colon from exploding with brown juices, I sped up as I got off the exit ramp, drove through the opposite lane of traffice (it was 5 a.m. on a sunday in a college town), and pulled into a McDonalds. I ran inside, and made it into the one-stalled bathroom. I unleashed the fury within me, resulting in the tank of the toilet, along with the base and the back half of the seat, to be covered with my brown stain. As I managed to waddle out of the McD's, lightheaded and possibly bleeding, an employee shouted out "HOLY FUCK!", and I then booked it to the car and drove off.
Posts: 1961 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 8/6/2007 11:59:02 AM
She's hotter than:
TLamp Hooker's daughters in 12 more years. The ability to fly. The fact that I am ugotdorked.
More news: As I was sitting at the play area in the mall while my kids goofed around, I had my eyes permanently fixed on the entrace to Forever 21, watching the local hotties come in and out of there. After about a half an hour of drooling I came to a very sobering realization.
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