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Show me the good movie...
Dear Cuba Gooding, Jr.,
Stop. Just fucking stop. I don't know what the fuck happened to you, but you went from rising star to respectable thespian to total assclown quicker than it takes most child stars to develop a coke habit. And I'm really fucking sick of seeing you. You need to go away for a long time until some up-and-coming hot shot director in twenty years decides he'll take a chance on an aging has-been and Travolta your life around after you have no longer the natural ability to get the erection to bang your seventeen year old costar. Then the world will applaud you and your tremendous comeback. But the way you're going right now, this will never happen.
What in the name of Jessica Biel's sweet asshole would possess an Academy Award winner to do Snow Dogs? Did you lose a fucking bet? Did you actually think, "Hey, I really believe that I can parlay my seminal performance as an ultra-black, take-no-shit NFL wide receiver in one of the most successful films of the '90s into the antithesis of said character who learns how to mush sled dogs (as well as several other tender and important lessons)?"
I'm not even going to mention Boat Trip. You should lose your SAG card for that shit. It was actually after that film came out that you fell behind your chunky brother Omar in my level of respect. And you didn't even get him the role as your brother in Jerry Maguire, you disloyal asshat. Who plays a brotha's brother better than a brotha's brother? Not Aries fucking Spears, I can tell you that.
Good Cuba
One would think that a guy with Boyz N The Hood, Jerry Maguire, and–even though I didn't enjoy the film–a critically acclaimed role in Radio on his resume would be picking out his tux for the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award at the Oscars. One would think that. But see, Cuba, when you also throw in Rat Race, The Fighting Tempations, and Daddy Day Camp, those flicks negate your good work. You're not Sam Jackson. You can't accept every script put in front of you and still have a ton of love from the American public because Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson in every damn movie he's in, even if it's rated G. You, on the other hand, are Cuba Gooding, Jr. in every film you appear in. You're the black guy that middle-aged white people like, which fucking blows.
Before 2001 you were really on a roll. Looking up and down your films at that time it is tough to really criticize your work or choices thereof. Then what the fuck happened? It's like the terrorists crashed a plane into your sense of reason. I mean, every great actor makes a handful of bad calls (see: Peter O'Toole in High Spirits). It's okay and forgivable. But half that shit you did this century I have never even heard of, and the stuff I do know is some of the most brutal cinema outside of Showgirls (surprised you didn't make a cameo in that, by the way).
AND NOW YOU'RE DOING FUCKING UNDERWEAR COMMERCIALS? Stay the fuck away from Michael Jordan. I love MJeff. I don't like you. At least Bacon Bits doesn't fucking talk in his commercial with Mjeff and retains some nugget of cool. You look like a complete moron.
Bad Cuba
So I beg of you–stop acting on screen. Go away for a while. I doubt you need the money. Go try the stage or something. Build up some credibility in another medium. But don't subject me to the knowledge that somebody with a golden statue can do a film that probably had serious discussion as to whether or not it would be straight to video. I don't like you, I don't respect you, and if you do not cease and desist I will be forced to get Wayne Brady to fuck you up.
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 8/9/2007 3:09:33 PM
This year halloween fell on a weekend Me and geto boyz are trick-or-treating Robbing little kids for bags Till an old man got behind our ass So we speeded up the pace Took a look back and he was right before our face Wed be in for a squab no doubt So I swung and hit the nigga in his mouth He was going down, we figured But this was no ordinary nigga He stood about six or seven feet Now, thats the nigga Id been seeing in my sleep So we triple-teamed on him Dropping them motherfuckin on him The more I swung the more blood flew Then he disappeared and my boys disappeared, too Then I felt just like a fiend It wasnt even close to halloween It was dark as fuck on the streets My hands were all bloody from punching on the concrete
Yeah that's right the big nigga just came out of nowhere, what you got to say about that TMan, AB and other doubters???
Posts: 214 Rank: 32 Joined:
12/11/2006
Location:
San Francisco, CA
Posted: 8/10/2007 6:03:08 PM
and thought I'd try to play the game, although I can't tell whether the "honest fact" part is supposed to be braggin' or tellin' a Truth or Dare like secret.
1st taste of booze: sitting with my uncle listening to the Giants on the radio after school in 3rd grade. Tried his Old Crow and 7up, and when I got up from the table and turned around the kitchen was spinning. It was great, after I puked.
True Facts:
1. I just turned 51
2. My only STD ever came courtesy of my first wife, about eight weeks after we had separated
3. I got accepted into Harvard Law School and turned them down
4. I am a lawyer AND a nougat.
5. I "+" almost all of Christine's posts even though her Dad hates me (see #4) .
Whoops, gotta go - open bar at the ABA Annual Meeting.
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