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Show me the good movie...
Dear Cuba Gooding, Jr.,
Stop. Just fucking stop. I don't know what the fuck happened to you, but you went from rising star to respectable thespian to total assclown quicker than it takes most child stars to develop a coke habit. And I'm really fucking sick of seeing you. You need to go away for a long time until some up-and-coming hot shot director in twenty years decides he'll take a chance on an aging has-been and Travolta your life around after you have no longer the natural ability to get the erection to bang your seventeen year old costar. Then the world will applaud you and your tremendous comeback. But the way you're going right now, this will never happen.
What in the name of Jessica Biel's sweet asshole would possess an Academy Award winner to do Snow Dogs? Did you lose a fucking bet? Did you actually think, "Hey, I really believe that I can parlay my seminal performance as an ultra-black, take-no-shit NFL wide receiver in one of the most successful films of the '90s into the antithesis of said character who learns how to mush sled dogs (as well as several other tender and important lessons)?"
I'm not even going to mention Boat Trip. You should lose your SAG card for that shit. It was actually after that film came out that you fell behind your chunky brother Omar in my level of respect. And you didn't even get him the role as your brother in Jerry Maguire, you disloyal asshat. Who plays a brotha's brother better than a brotha's brother? Not Aries fucking Spears, I can tell you that.
Good Cuba
One would think that a guy with Boyz N The Hood, Jerry Maguire, and–even though I didn't enjoy the film–a critically acclaimed role in Radio on his resume would be picking out his tux for the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award at the Oscars. One would think that. But see, Cuba, when you also throw in Rat Race, The Fighting Tempations, and Daddy Day Camp, those flicks negate your good work. You're not Sam Jackson. You can't accept every script put in front of you and still have a ton of love from the American public because Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson in every damn movie he's in, even if it's rated G. You, on the other hand, are Cuba Gooding, Jr. in every film you appear in. You're the black guy that middle-aged white people like, which fucking blows.
Before 2001 you were really on a roll. Looking up and down your films at that time it is tough to really criticize your work or choices thereof. Then what the fuck happened? It's like the terrorists crashed a plane into your sense of reason. I mean, every great actor makes a handful of bad calls (see: Peter O'Toole in High Spirits). It's okay and forgivable. But half that shit you did this century I have never even heard of, and the stuff I do know is some of the most brutal cinema outside of Showgirls (surprised you didn't make a cameo in that, by the way).
AND NOW YOU'RE DOING FUCKING UNDERWEAR COMMERCIALS? Stay the fuck away from Michael Jordan. I love MJeff. I don't like you. At least Bacon Bits doesn't fucking talk in his commercial with Mjeff and retains some nugget of cool. You look like a complete moron.
Bad Cuba
So I beg of you–stop acting on screen. Go away for a while. I doubt you need the money. Go try the stage or something. Build up some credibility in another medium. But don't subject me to the knowledge that somebody with a golden statue can do a film that probably had serious discussion as to whether or not it would be straight to video. I don't like you, I don't respect you, and if you do not cease and desist I will be forced to get Wayne Brady to fuck you up.
Posts: 65 Rank: 98 Joined:
7/12/2007
Location:
Buffalo, NY
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:02:12 AM
There's a nice little nougat of info to have sitting in the back of your mind. I actually took my little cousin to see that movie though...the sequel was spawned because of people like me.
Posts: 280 Rank: 27 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:04:07 AM
Was a big dissappointment to me. I assumed that Ed Harris would shoot him off his shopping cart while hiding underneath a rail car in a sulphur factory. That feel-good bullshit never happens in real life. If Radio went to my school, he'd not only be asked to run up to our principal and ask if he can "see his dinkle", but would either get the crap beaten out of him by the losers who had nothing better to do (Northern Michigan, mind you), or use his massive retard strenght to beat the shit out of said losers. Radio had none of these. I'm sorry Disney, but if you want me to shed a tear in an emotional drama, how about replaying the scene where Dumbo is caressed in his mother's snout? That scene still makes me well up.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:05:04 AM
Seriously DC? 104 million? Did it open on Easter weekend? every black person in the united states goes to the movies on easter. I used to work at united artists for 3 years and I had to work every easter. Its a definite fact. And black people love eddie murphy.
So do i though. I just watched Raw last night for my 200th times and it doesn't ever stop being funny.
igick, do you really believe Digger? I think he was joking.
Posts: 1123 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:08:32 AM
You are the reason we have garbage like this flooding the theaters, and people with original ideas can't get financed. I hope you get a severe UTI and they have to amputate your dick because you sir are a pussy.
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:14:03 AM
Tman, go smoke a joint, jesus christ man, relax. BTW can you actaully get a UTI so severe that it has to be cut off?
It must be fact, because everything that people post on the boards is fact.
I'll be back in an hour, i'm going to kill a hooker play in her blood and then throw her lifeless body in the dumpster behind the local convenience store.
Posts: 1123 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:17:10 AM
You just admitted to seeing that piece if shit by defending him. While I dont wish your dick falls off, I hope one of your steroid injection points gets mildly infected.
Posts: 65 Rank: 98 Joined:
7/12/2007
Location:
Buffalo, NY
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:26:48 AM
My cousin's only 5 years old, what the fuck am i supposed to watch with her? You think she'd like to see the gimp in Pulp Fiction? Maybe teach her how to fuck the whole 1979 Dallas Cowboys? Tman, Don't tell me you've never paid hard earned cash to sit through a retarded kid's movie.
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