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Show me the good movie...
Dear Cuba Gooding, Jr.,
Stop. Just fucking stop. I don't know what the fuck happened to you, but you went from rising star to respectable thespian to total assclown quicker than it takes most child stars to develop a coke habit. And I'm really fucking sick of seeing you. You need to go away for a long time until some up-and-coming hot shot director in twenty years decides he'll take a chance on an aging has-been and Travolta your life around after you have no longer the natural ability to get the erection to bang your seventeen year old costar. Then the world will applaud you and your tremendous comeback. But the way you're going right now, this will never happen.
What in the name of Jessica Biel's sweet asshole would possess an Academy Award winner to do Snow Dogs? Did you lose a fucking bet? Did you actually think, "Hey, I really believe that I can parlay my seminal performance as an ultra-black, take-no-shit NFL wide receiver in one of the most successful films of the '90s into the antithesis of said character who learns how to mush sled dogs (as well as several other tender and important lessons)?"
I'm not even going to mention Boat Trip. You should lose your SAG card for that shit. It was actually after that film came out that you fell behind your chunky brother Omar in my level of respect. And you didn't even get him the role as your brother in Jerry Maguire, you disloyal asshat. Who plays a brotha's brother better than a brotha's brother? Not Aries fucking Spears, I can tell you that.
Good Cuba
One would think that a guy with Boyz N The Hood, Jerry Maguire, and–even though I didn't enjoy the film–a critically acclaimed role in Radio on his resume would be picking out his tux for the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award at the Oscars. One would think that. But see, Cuba, when you also throw in Rat Race, The Fighting Tempations, and Daddy Day Camp, those flicks negate your good work. You're not Sam Jackson. You can't accept every script put in front of you and still have a ton of love from the American public because Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson in every damn movie he's in, even if it's rated G. You, on the other hand, are Cuba Gooding, Jr. in every film you appear in. You're the black guy that middle-aged white people like, which fucking blows.
Before 2001 you were really on a roll. Looking up and down your films at that time it is tough to really criticize your work or choices thereof. Then what the fuck happened? It's like the terrorists crashed a plane into your sense of reason. I mean, every great actor makes a handful of bad calls (see: Peter O'Toole in High Spirits). It's okay and forgivable. But half that shit you did this century I have never even heard of, and the stuff I do know is some of the most brutal cinema outside of Showgirls (surprised you didn't make a cameo in that, by the way).
AND NOW YOU'RE DOING FUCKING UNDERWEAR COMMERCIALS? Stay the fuck away from Michael Jordan. I love MJeff. I don't like you. At least Bacon Bits doesn't fucking talk in his commercial with Mjeff and retains some nugget of cool. You look like a complete moron.
Bad Cuba
So I beg of you–stop acting on screen. Go away for a while. I doubt you need the money. Go try the stage or something. Build up some credibility in another medium. But don't subject me to the knowledge that somebody with a golden statue can do a film that probably had serious discussion as to whether or not it would be straight to video. I don't like you, I don't respect you, and if you do not cease and desist I will be forced to get Wayne Brady to fuck you up.
Have to change the beat. Here's a game, I think its strong:
What did you drink and accompanying story to your first drink of alcohol?
8th grade, taking shots of hot vodka. I wanted to die, walking around the streets of rural OK with my girlfriend and another 8th grade power couple. My girl was so impressed at me pounding the bottle I got to rub on some pussy for the first time, which made up for the fact that I had no clue what to do with both the pussy and the booze, which was put in my closet that my folks discovered within 2 days. Great time
"What do we call it now? It isn't marriage anymore, call it new and different its not the way it was before."
Posts: 2047 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:33:03 AM
I was 11, visiting my cousins up in Minnesota. They let em gat HAMMERED on some cheap ass black label beer. I vaguely remember waking up on the couch and throwing up in their fireplace.
My mom was pissed at them, but not me! Wooo Hooo!!! She said I was too young to know what I was doing. Of course, that was the last time I ever got pardoned for my ignorance. When her and my dad cuaght me smokin ghtier pot, they took away my nintendo for a month.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:34:46 AM
I was 12. Me and my friend Lori stole all of her mom's little vodka bottles that she collected from airplane trips. there was 30 of them . I drank them all straight. I was fucked up. I think I may have rubbed my own pussy. my parents were so strict and I always had to be home at like 8pm, even in the summer. so my friends tried to sober me up. they squirted toothpaste in my mouth (and eye) and sent me home.
my parents knew right away that I was hammered. My eyes were rolling in the back of my head and I spoke only in vowels. they wanted to take me to get my stomach pumped, but my uncle was there and told them to just put me to bed with a bucket.
I didn't drink again until i was 19 and even then it was something frozen. I really didn't become Christine the fall down drunk until I was 24.
My first legal drink (Can't remember the earlier ones)
()
Post #: 25
Posts: 769 Rank: 17 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:36:36 AM
I went out with the fellas and ordered a Cosmopolitan. At the time, I worked with a bunch of middle-aged chicks that watched Sex and the City all the time, and I didn't know it was a woman's drink. I'm at the table with like 8-10 black guys that I lifted weights with and they were strangely silent.
This little pink drink in a martini glass comes out and I realized I had fucked up. I have to commend the waiter for not laughing in my face even though he did do a double take he recovered on the play like Champ Bailey.
Radio was based on a true fucking story, so your that would never happen in real life, was hysterical. For the record I hated that movie. When did it become cool to play a retard? I blame dustin hoffman. I think he started this all with Rainman, got an Oscar, and ever since everybody from dicaprio, gooding, Juliette lewis, fucking everybody wants to play a retard and get a trophy for it. Well let me tell you something hollywood, when I see a retard in real life, I generally look the other way and try to ignore them, otherwise, I'll just be mean and begin making fun of them, so why the fuck would I want to watch someone pretend to be retarded in a movie. If retards were so fucking interesting, they'd be popular. everybody'd have a retard friend that they brought out to bars and partys. But that's not happening is it.
Igick - Don't bust his balls for that entrepreneurial spirit, I'm willing to bet he could bring home more doin that in a day than what you make, so ease up big nuts.
1. Christine's parents were strict? Would have lost that bet. 2. thefilth, how the fuck did you not know a Cosmo is a female drink? Were you watching the Sex and the City where men order those? Jesus, you people will never rise up.
Posts: 280 Rank: 27 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:42:01 AM
I was 13, and my family just just finished hiking down to the bottom of the grand canyon and back. We were sitting around a park somewhere in Utah, when my dad came back from the store with three six packs of Sierra Nevada ale. MY older brother, who was 15 at the time, myself and my dad went through a six pack each. My dad, being his regular self, decided to go get "the next round", an hour after he bought the original 18 beers, which is how long it took us to drink it. I had about four more, and then my brother and I, along with my little brother, decided to go "wander around." I couldn't remember much after that, other than my mom yelling at my dad, who was laughing at my brother mike, who wanted to bare-knuckle box my 11 year old younger brother. The next day, the car was silent for about 4 hours until my little brother asked what beer tasted like.
"Want to find out?" said my dad. My mom began to hit him with a road map repeatedly. I still don't know how they're married.
Posts: 803 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:43:33 AM
1st "Private" communion, 5th grade. My ordination as a pallbearer concluded with Father John Geoghan advising me that there was yet one remaining candle which needed to be extinguished; his cock with my mouth. Amen.
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