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Show me the good movie...
Dear Cuba Gooding, Jr.,
Stop. Just fucking stop. I don't know what the fuck happened to you, but you went from rising star to respectable thespian to total assclown quicker than it takes most child stars to develop a coke habit. And I'm really fucking sick of seeing you. You need to go away for a long time until some up-and-coming hot shot director in twenty years decides he'll take a chance on an aging has-been and Travolta your life around after you have no longer the natural ability to get the erection to bang your seventeen year old costar. Then the world will applaud you and your tremendous comeback. But the way you're going right now, this will never happen.
What in the name of Jessica Biel's sweet asshole would possess an Academy Award winner to do Snow Dogs? Did you lose a fucking bet? Did you actually think, "Hey, I really believe that I can parlay my seminal performance as an ultra-black, take-no-shit NFL wide receiver in one of the most successful films of the '90s into the antithesis of said character who learns how to mush sled dogs (as well as several other tender and important lessons)?"
I'm not even going to mention Boat Trip. You should lose your SAG card for that shit. It was actually after that film came out that you fell behind your chunky brother Omar in my level of respect. And you didn't even get him the role as your brother in Jerry Maguire, you disloyal asshat. Who plays a brotha's brother better than a brotha's brother? Not Aries fucking Spears, I can tell you that.
Good Cuba
One would think that a guy with Boyz N The Hood, Jerry Maguire, and–even though I didn't enjoy the film–a critically acclaimed role in Radio on his resume would be picking out his tux for the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award at the Oscars. One would think that. But see, Cuba, when you also throw in Rat Race, The Fighting Tempations, and Daddy Day Camp, those flicks negate your good work. You're not Sam Jackson. You can't accept every script put in front of you and still have a ton of love from the American public because Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson in every damn movie he's in, even if it's rated G. You, on the other hand, are Cuba Gooding, Jr. in every film you appear in. You're the black guy that middle-aged white people like, which fucking blows.
Before 2001 you were really on a roll. Looking up and down your films at that time it is tough to really criticize your work or choices thereof. Then what the fuck happened? It's like the terrorists crashed a plane into your sense of reason. I mean, every great actor makes a handful of bad calls (see: Peter O'Toole in High Spirits). It's okay and forgivable. But half that shit you did this century I have never even heard of, and the stuff I do know is some of the most brutal cinema outside of Showgirls (surprised you didn't make a cameo in that, by the way).
AND NOW YOU'RE DOING FUCKING UNDERWEAR COMMERCIALS? Stay the fuck away from Michael Jordan. I love MJeff. I don't like you. At least Bacon Bits doesn't fucking talk in his commercial with Mjeff and retains some nugget of cool. You look like a complete moron.
Bad Cuba
So I beg of you–stop acting on screen. Go away for a while. I doubt you need the money. Go try the stage or something. Build up some credibility in another medium. But don't subject me to the knowledge that somebody with a golden statue can do a film that probably had serious discussion as to whether or not it would be straight to video. I don't like you, I don't respect you, and if you do not cease and desist I will be forced to get Wayne Brady to fuck you up.
I was 9 or 10, and my sister who was five years older was having a little party, which consisted of 8 or 9 hot 15 year old girls (at the time this was not perverted at all, keep in mind). They started to booze it up and thought it would be fun to get me drunk too. Sidenote: I was in love with one of my sisters friends and would have done literally anything to hang out with her. I sat on the kitchen counter doing shots of cherry flavored vodka for quite a while, and was the life of the party, apparently shitcanned 10 year olds proclaiming their undieing love to teenage girls is hilarious. I even got a pity kiss before it was all over. The next day I realized how great that night was, and i've been a drunk ever since.
ps. see stranger than fiction if you have not, good stuff.
Don't be modest. How many of your sister's friends did you bed on that occasion. Over/under is 4.5
First drink experience was at my brother's wedding, I think I was in 8th grade. Someone in the wedding party had me chug a glass of wine. I don't think I got drunk, but it made for a funny picture they took while I was drinking it with my eyes wide open like Digger in a rowboat about to get runover by a whiteman in his yacht.
Didn't some high school team have a tard run for a touchdown a couple years back?
Posts: 420 Rank: 49 Joined:
4/9/2007
Location:
Littleton-ish, CO
Posted: 8/8/2007 12:15:36 PM
I was 18 (I know, I know, I was a slow starter). I was at an older dude's place playing poker. I decided it was a good night to experiment with the akahol....
Posts: 420 Rank: 19 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 8/8/2007 12:18:23 PM
I was young, 5-8, didn't really drink much. I was hanging out with my father. He told me that we should get some target practice in. My dad was a gunsmith among other things and I currenlty own 35 diffent firearms. He decided I should shoot some empty beer cans with a shotgun and some slugs. Well he set up the cans and gave me the gun.
It was 2:00 in the morning and pitch black. I shot 2 cars, shot a window in the barn, and got the cops called on us for disturbing the peace.
Posts: 177 Rank: 50 Joined:
4/8/2007
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 8/8/2007 12:35:51 PM
I can't really describe my first "sip" because my daddy let me take sips from his beers every now and then (especially before we wrastled). But the first time I drank whiskey was in my buddy's basement--we were like 12. My parents were in Ireland and my grandma was watching my house. Got completely cocked on Jameson, stumbled home, slipped on the railroad tricks and split my chin open (still got the scar), barfed up entire whole strings of spaghetti that Gram made for dinner that night in my parents garden, and fell asleep amidst the flowers. My younger brother woke me up and helped me into the shower while Gram cried. She cried because I'm Irish and couldn't handle my fucking whiskey.
Posts: 420 Rank: 19 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 8/8/2007 12:39:15 PM
He Never would touch me. Said I was too Girly. But he did watch me shower. And say things like, If it wasn't for your mothers Drinking you would have been a perdy little girl.
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