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Show me the good movie...
Dear Cuba Gooding, Jr.,
Stop. Just fucking stop. I don't know what the fuck happened to you, but you went from rising star to respectable thespian to total assclown quicker than it takes most child stars to develop a coke habit. And I'm really fucking sick of seeing you. You need to go away for a long time until some up-and-coming hot shot director in twenty years decides he'll take a chance on an aging has-been and Travolta your life around after you have no longer the natural ability to get the erection to bang your seventeen year old costar. Then the world will applaud you and your tremendous comeback. But the way you're going right now, this will never happen.
What in the name of Jessica Biel's sweet asshole would possess an Academy Award winner to do Snow Dogs? Did you lose a fucking bet? Did you actually think, "Hey, I really believe that I can parlay my seminal performance as an ultra-black, take-no-shit NFL wide receiver in one of the most successful films of the '90s into the antithesis of said character who learns how to mush sled dogs (as well as several other tender and important lessons)?"
I'm not even going to mention Boat Trip. You should lose your SAG card for that shit. It was actually after that film came out that you fell behind your chunky brother Omar in my level of respect. And you didn't even get him the role as your brother in Jerry Maguire, you disloyal asshat. Who plays a brotha's brother better than a brotha's brother? Not Aries fucking Spears, I can tell you that.
Good Cuba
One would think that a guy with Boyz N The Hood, Jerry Maguire, and–even though I didn't enjoy the film–a critically acclaimed role in Radio on his resume would be picking out his tux for the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award at the Oscars. One would think that. But see, Cuba, when you also throw in Rat Race, The Fighting Tempations, and Daddy Day Camp, those flicks negate your good work. You're not Sam Jackson. You can't accept every script put in front of you and still have a ton of love from the American public because Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson in every damn movie he's in, even if it's rated G. You, on the other hand, are Cuba Gooding, Jr. in every film you appear in. You're the black guy that middle-aged white people like, which fucking blows.
Before 2001 you were really on a roll. Looking up and down your films at that time it is tough to really criticize your work or choices thereof. Then what the fuck happened? It's like the terrorists crashed a plane into your sense of reason. I mean, every great actor makes a handful of bad calls (see: Peter O'Toole in High Spirits). It's okay and forgivable. But half that shit you did this century I have never even heard of, and the stuff I do know is some of the most brutal cinema outside of Showgirls (surprised you didn't make a cameo in that, by the way).
AND NOW YOU'RE DOING FUCKING UNDERWEAR COMMERCIALS? Stay the fuck away from Michael Jordan. I love MJeff. I don't like you. At least Bacon Bits doesn't fucking talk in his commercial with Mjeff and retains some nugget of cool. You look like a complete moron.
Bad Cuba
So I beg of you–stop acting on screen. Go away for a while. I doubt you need the money. Go try the stage or something. Build up some credibility in another medium. But don't subject me to the knowledge that somebody with a golden statue can do a film that probably had serious discussion as to whether or not it would be straight to video. I don't like you, I don't respect you, and if you do not cease and desist I will be forced to get Wayne Brady to fuck you up.
I really hate "dads" too. Dads are always coming after me for "tattooing" thier daughters. And making thier daughters take "rolls" and act out "scripts" in the back of my tinted out "95" Acura!!
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/8/2007 1:15:35 PM
I wish I knew who you really were. I wish I knew where you lived. Because I want to be there when you die. I want to be a part of your funeral. I want to stand next to your parents while they weep. I want to slowly pull down my pants and lean my fat ass over your casket and piss all over in front of them. I want to tell them you had abortions that they don't know about and that you were one of the whales in digger's acura. I want them to hate you as much as I do.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/8/2007 1:41:22 PM
I would rather take evil frank home (sober) and fuck the shit out of him for three straight days and then introduce him to all my friends as my new lover, then get caught blowing him by my dad than ever ever having to read a flounder post again. no even worse, I would rather listen to him talk for three straight days then read a flounder post.
Posts: 887 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 8/8/2007 1:44:17 PM
First drink: 16 years old, Kool Aid and vodka. I was drinking with my then girlfriend and another girl. I was trying to drink my way into a threesome, but much like after reading a Flounder post, I woke up later alone on the floor wondering what the hell was going on.
I would try for many years to drink my way into a threesome. I thought I had it one time, I had two girls over at my first apartment and we were playing drinking Uno (go ahead and laugh, I'm a fucking nerd) and I was dominating. Then my room mate comes home and takes one of the girls for himself. What an asshole. He asked me the next day if he fucked that up for me, and I simply said "yes". He bought me a Slurpee (insert gay joke here) to make up for it.
If I were AB, I would have been able to close that deal.
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