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Show me the good movie...
Dear Cuba Gooding, Jr.,
Stop. Just fucking stop. I don't know what the fuck happened to you, but you went from rising star to respectable thespian to total assclown quicker than it takes most child stars to develop a coke habit. And I'm really fucking sick of seeing you. You need to go away for a long time until some up-and-coming hot shot director in twenty years decides he'll take a chance on an aging has-been and Travolta your life around after you have no longer the natural ability to get the erection to bang your seventeen year old costar. Then the world will applaud you and your tremendous comeback. But the way you're going right now, this will never happen.
What in the name of Jessica Biel's sweet asshole would possess an Academy Award winner to do Snow Dogs? Did you lose a fucking bet? Did you actually think, "Hey, I really believe that I can parlay my seminal performance as an ultra-black, take-no-shit NFL wide receiver in one of the most successful films of the '90s into the antithesis of said character who learns how to mush sled dogs (as well as several other tender and important lessons)?"
I'm not even going to mention Boat Trip. You should lose your SAG card for that shit. It was actually after that film came out that you fell behind your chunky brother Omar in my level of respect. And you didn't even get him the role as your brother in Jerry Maguire, you disloyal asshat. Who plays a brotha's brother better than a brotha's brother? Not Aries fucking Spears, I can tell you that.
Good Cuba
One would think that a guy with Boyz N The Hood, Jerry Maguire, and–even though I didn't enjoy the film–a critically acclaimed role in Radio on his resume would be picking out his tux for the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award at the Oscars. One would think that. But see, Cuba, when you also throw in Rat Race, The Fighting Tempations, and Daddy Day Camp, those flicks negate your good work. You're not Sam Jackson. You can't accept every script put in front of you and still have a ton of love from the American public because Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson in every damn movie he's in, even if it's rated G. You, on the other hand, are Cuba Gooding, Jr. in every film you appear in. You're the black guy that middle-aged white people like, which fucking blows.
Before 2001 you were really on a roll. Looking up and down your films at that time it is tough to really criticize your work or choices thereof. Then what the fuck happened? It's like the terrorists crashed a plane into your sense of reason. I mean, every great actor makes a handful of bad calls (see: Peter O'Toole in High Spirits). It's okay and forgivable. But half that shit you did this century I have never even heard of, and the stuff I do know is some of the most brutal cinema outside of Showgirls (surprised you didn't make a cameo in that, by the way).
AND NOW YOU'RE DOING FUCKING UNDERWEAR COMMERCIALS? Stay the fuck away from Michael Jordan. I love MJeff. I don't like you. At least Bacon Bits doesn't fucking talk in his commercial with Mjeff and retains some nugget of cool. You look like a complete moron.
Bad Cuba
So I beg of you–stop acting on screen. Go away for a while. I doubt you need the money. Go try the stage or something. Build up some credibility in another medium. But don't subject me to the knowledge that somebody with a golden statue can do a film that probably had serious discussion as to whether or not it would be straight to video. I don't like you, I don't respect you, and if you do not cease and desist I will be forced to get Wayne Brady to fuck you up.
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 8/8/2007 1:45:00 PM
First of all i nominate Foonbo into the shittiest commenter debate. He shows up once a month with shit like post #43 I'd buy the payperview of him and Flounder fist fucking eachothers assholes while evil frank used his assortment of firearms to shot them, or just beat them with the blunt end.
Next - TMAN i didn't see that movie, so fuck you, i have a sudden urge to track you down and cut you with a rusty butter knife.
AB you're the useless fuck that always, no matter what the story or situation, has a "one up" story. You're that person nobody ever likes but always shows up, you can stop coming to the party, noone will be like "it sucks now that AB's gone"
Posts: 887 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 8/8/2007 1:46:25 PM
Don't worry about the sleepyhead. She could never replace what you and I have. She's trying to be my friend, but I'm not having that shit. I'm pretty sure she's going to 'ninja vanish' here pretty soon and we'll see that under the kimono and ultra white face make-up that she is a fat janitor with a hard on for character acting.
Have to say it one more time, BigNick when angry is always excellent. BigNick, while you're mad, give me a tale about what you'd do with Kiele after you finished the kung pao chicken.
Compelling argument for Foonbo though. Shartan, who is your crew's least favorite commenter?
"I'm drinking canada dry, since my woman said bye."
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 8/8/2007 1:51:03 PM
first time drinking ended about 4am last night i started when i was 15 so i've got a hangover 14 years in the making and i'm irritable like the razor burn around sleepys landing strip.
Posts: 65 Rank: 98 Joined:
7/12/2007
Location:
Buffalo, NY
Posted: 8/8/2007 1:55:27 PM
First time I drank was in Mexico at one of those all-inclusive vacation resorts. I think I was about 15, and one of my dad's friend figured he would show me the ropes at one of the clubs in the resort. I started off slow with 2 or 3 coronas, then worked my way up to shots of tequila, then a couple Zambukas to finish it off. Needless to say I ran outside about an hour later and helplessly puked and shit all over the bushes next to this Mexican club (I've since learned the "beer before liquor" rhyme). My dad's friend and I were trying to stumble our way back to the hotel room when he tripped on a lawn chair and toppled face first in to a fountain. Luckily there was a Mexican doctor on the resort who was able to stitch up the gash that was left in his eyebrow from hitting his face on the tile. The next few days of that vacation were ruined as I came down with what might be the worst case of "Montezumas Revenge" ever recorded.
Posts: 1123 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 8/8/2007 1:57:11 PM
That sounds fun, I like to cut myself, its a problem.
First drunk:
I was at my buddies house and his parents were gone for the weekend. My two best friends and I decided to take 1 shot out of each of the liquor bottles, there were like 15 of them. The vomit fountain that errupted from me later that night was a sight to behold.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/8/2007 1:59:04 PM
and let me be the first to say that your posts yesterday were legendary. if I was as skinny as you, i would definitely have banged you and your girlfriend. Call cindy up, she's desperate for a new "role".
Vert, I agree. Igicks angry posts always make me laugh, but I think its because I have heard his actually real voice (very soft and sweet) and he's actually really really nice. so its pretty comical. although, I heard john wayne gacy talked pretty sweet too.
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