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There she is
You know how they say there's someone out there for everyone? Well I always thought that was complete and utter bullshit.
Actually it still could be, but it turns out it might also be true, and I know because against all odds I managed to find that special person who's just perfect for me in every way. There's only one problem: she's a 63-year-old migrant laborer from China.
Yeah, go figure. Here I am a 26-year-old Canadian web writer that spends most of his personal time listening to hip-hop records, watching Comedy Central and masturbating with self-hatred unmatched by any other partial Jew in the world, and my star-crossed lover is a post-menopausal Chinese widow that mixes concrete for less than I pay for the Internet each month.
So how do I know Yi Xiangtso is perfect for me? Well, it happened when I fell asleep watching the Discovery Channel. When I woke up there she was, right in the middle of a crowd of 75,000 people in some shitty news serial about the plight of the Chinese worker.
You know how people always say, "You know when you know?" Well I know, you know?
It was, in a very literal sense, love at first sight.
Beyond that you can call it a hunch, but I'm as sure of this as I am that I can't afford to bring her here and take care of her the way my angel deserves. And it's just my fucking dumb luck too.
I mean really what are the chances? All of the cliches and all of the times I watched Say Anything have prepared me for this moment, and now it's so far out of reach that not even standing on the edge of Shaolinsi holding a juke box blasting Peter Gabriel high above my head while she carries rocks up a steep hill will allow us to be together.
Besides let's face it, I'd get killed long before I made it anywhere in rural China blasting Peter Gabriel, although, maybe if it was the Wu-Tang Clan.
Yeah, can't you just picture it? Me outside some mud hut next to a coal mine that stretches as far as the eye can see, bumping "Da Mystery of Chessboxin?" Hot shit. I'd be beating off the baby makers with every ounce of strength I had.
Another day at work
No, that's not fucking going to work at all. I'm completely screwed. Destined to remain unfulfilled finger fucking boring white girls in movie theatre parking lots only to have my mind drift back to my Asian honeydrop.
Wait. I've got it! Don't guys buy women from that part of the world all the time? I mean, what's that whole Mail Order Bride thing all about? Do you think there are any connections there with the migrant Chinese laborer market?
I mean, where are all these women coming from anyway? I guess if you can adopt an infant girl from China than I should be able to have them ship over an aging lonely woman at a pretty good price. I wonder if it'd be anything like buying a used car?
Of course I'd treat her like the classic she is, but wait, no that's stupid too, how in the hell would they even find her? Son of a bitch. I give up.
On the other hand...
Hold on, no. Take a deep breath. Why the fuck am I stressing anyway? How many people actually find their "soul mate" ever? I'm starting to think this whole experience is just plain wrong.
Hmmm. That actually gives me an idea.
The fellas at work
Maybe, instead of spending countless money and hours search for Yi and bringing her to me, I could take those resources and have 10 or 12 women that fit her description sent over and see if any of them are passable as doubles. Yes! That's it. I'm a fucking genius.
Man, I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner, after all what's that they're always saying? Something about them all looking the same I think.
Then again, they also said money can't buy you love. I'll tell you this much: whoever they are, they're sure not Chinese.
No one wants to see pics of Tom A anyway, just put that black bar over his eyes. Have your friend take pics when you are passed out on the subway platform and P & T are popping out of the new outfit.
Posts: 214 Rank: 32 Joined:
12/11/2006
Location:
San Francisco, CA
Posted: 8/17/2007 5:37:00 PM
Chester - can I be in your commercial as the techno savvy Asian Guy? I am neither of those things, by the way.
T-Bone: thanks for the pics. I would still ride Halle's narrow behind like the last bus out of Saigon, and pound C. Applegate like a Chinese coolie on the Transcontinental Railroad. But I will never look at JLo the same way.
bad case name. I swear to fucking christ I've got one called
Weener plastics. The jokes are almost too easy, but once you've worn out the base line they get pretty good.
Madden '08 - you should've gotten the Wii and bought madden for that. It's a fucking blast. I actually went home for lunch and played a game the last two days.
Posts: 420 Rank: 49 Joined:
4/9/2007
Location:
Littleton-ish, CO
Posted: 8/17/2007 6:10:55 PM
You got lucky today. You found us at our most apathetic. Come back Monday for the beating you shoulda got today. Rinse. Repeat.
If it wasn't nigh the hour of happy, your ass would have been toast. But we shall not forsake akahol and all it stands just to "anal hate" a go-tard such as yourself.
Ok, have a nice weekend. Make sure you touch the kids...
Posts: 35 Rank: 94 Joined:
6/27/2007
Location:
Bay Area, CA
Posted: 8/17/2007 7:12:44 PM
You played the mini-games yet? I work on Madden 07 for the Wii when I was at EA. Madden Smeer-the-Queer is definately the most fun you can have with 3 of your friends and that white box.
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