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There she is
You know how they say there's someone out there for everyone? Well I always thought that was complete and utter bullshit.
Actually it still could be, but it turns out it might also be true, and I know because against all odds I managed to find that special person who's just perfect for me in every way. There's only one problem: she's a 63-year-old migrant laborer from China.
Yeah, go figure. Here I am a 26-year-old Canadian web writer that spends most of his personal time listening to hip-hop records, watching Comedy Central and masturbating with self-hatred unmatched by any other partial Jew in the world, and my star-crossed lover is a post-menopausal Chinese widow that mixes concrete for less than I pay for the Internet each month.
So how do I know Yi Xiangtso is perfect for me? Well, it happened when I fell asleep watching the Discovery Channel. When I woke up there she was, right in the middle of a crowd of 75,000 people in some shitty news serial about the plight of the Chinese worker.
You know how people always say, "You know when you know?" Well I know, you know?
It was, in a very literal sense, love at first sight.
Beyond that you can call it a hunch, but I'm as sure of this as I am that I can't afford to bring her here and take care of her the way my angel deserves. And it's just my fucking dumb luck too.
I mean really what are the chances? All of the cliches and all of the times I watched Say Anything have prepared me for this moment, and now it's so far out of reach that not even standing on the edge of Shaolinsi holding a juke box blasting Peter Gabriel high above my head while she carries rocks up a steep hill will allow us to be together.
Besides let's face it, I'd get killed long before I made it anywhere in rural China blasting Peter Gabriel, although, maybe if it was the Wu-Tang Clan.
Yeah, can't you just picture it? Me outside some mud hut next to a coal mine that stretches as far as the eye can see, bumping "Da Mystery of Chessboxin?" Hot shit. I'd be beating off the baby makers with every ounce of strength I had.
Another day at work
No, that's not fucking going to work at all. I'm completely screwed. Destined to remain unfulfilled finger fucking boring white girls in movie theatre parking lots only to have my mind drift back to my Asian honeydrop.
Wait. I've got it! Don't guys buy women from that part of the world all the time? I mean, what's that whole Mail Order Bride thing all about? Do you think there are any connections there with the migrant Chinese laborer market?
I mean, where are all these women coming from anyway? I guess if you can adopt an infant girl from China than I should be able to have them ship over an aging lonely woman at a pretty good price. I wonder if it'd be anything like buying a used car?
Of course I'd treat her like the classic she is, but wait, no that's stupid too, how in the hell would they even find her? Son of a bitch. I give up.
On the other hand...
Hold on, no. Take a deep breath. Why the fuck am I stressing anyway? How many people actually find their "soul mate" ever? I'm starting to think this whole experience is just plain wrong.
Hmmm. That actually gives me an idea.
The fellas at work
Maybe, instead of spending countless money and hours search for Yi and bringing her to me, I could take those resources and have 10 or 12 women that fit her description sent over and see if any of them are passable as doubles. Yes! That's it. I'm a fucking genius.
Man, I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner, after all what's that they're always saying? Something about them all looking the same I think.
Then again, they also said money can't buy you love. I'll tell you this much: whoever they are, they're sure not Chinese.
Pooholes, not possible the "old bitch" arrives at Reagan at 12:10 a.m. By, that time me and Baby Girl will be making that "chicken pot pie gravy" (is that better Christine?)
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 8/17/2007 10:08:41 AM
I don't pretend to know what goes on in a 32-year-old woman's mind all the time, but I think you got to go with the barely legal material here. Is she is as hot as you say she is then it's kind of a no-brainer. A 32-year-old that's making you wait three months and then pick her up at the airport is probably into something serious and judging by your recent Madden bings of weed and cheap vodka it doesn't seem like you are. Plus, think about this: the 32-year-old may be decent looking, bt in 14 years she'll be 46 and the 18 year old will then only be 32. Shocking I know.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/17/2007 10:20:32 AM
that was not better. you are severely limiting the things I will ever eat in the future. please don't mix sex with cheezits, rye bread, and french fries and I'll be ok.
Balls is not only a genius, he's very very right. Oldy locks is probably looking to get knocked up.The clock's a tickin. she might say she doesn't want anything from you, but in 3 years she may decide she can't handle it and drop that little bastard off on your step. the young one is not thinking about kids and if she is, run. Now forget about the aging whore and make a steaming crock pot of chili with the young girl. (I hate chili so its ok).
You are right. Now, that i think about it, the 32-year old is on that "serious" bullshit. It is all coming together, that "bitch" has been to like 3 weddings in the last month or so. She even invited me. Fuck her!! A Wedding is the most emasculating thing imaginable.
Posts: 260 Rank: 26 Joined:
5/31/2007
Location:
Gilbert, AZ
Posted: 8/17/2007 10:22:34 AM
When I picture Aaliyah I picture R. Kelly "stabbin'" her 14 year old "stew pot" and it makes me feel a little queesy.
You not showing up to pick up the old broad will only increase the chances of plowing that field at a later time at your own convience. I suggust you hate fuck it, finish, tell her "you're welcome - now get out", and walk.
Posts: 803 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 8/17/2007 10:26:51 AM
Ok, I was writing up a different game plan, but had to change it due to time of flight.
So, here's what you do:
Pick 18yr old up as early as possible. Immediately start bang session. Sink your photon torpedo into her exhaust port Star Wars style. Use force (the) if need be. Make sure the visit to Lovetron leaves her a quivering pile mush. Briefly wake her right before you leave. Tell her you have to go do "something" for an hour or so. Don't elaborate. She'll love this.
Remember son, hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Crush a couple Viagra pills into a fine powder and snort that shit like Tony Montana. Matriculate to airport rendezvous.
Immediately press 32yr old for Short Term Parking Lot head. Coordinate with friend to call your phone and "notify" you of family emergency. "Mom taken to hospital" a good one. Act frantic, apologize, and tell her you have to go, "…right now!" Drive her to Taxi station and kick her out of car. Provide cab fare if you’re feeling altruistic. Don’t if not.
Head home. Crawl back in bed with 18yr old. Get her to make you breakfast in the morning.
That "old bag" already has a 14 year old son. She is always talking about wanting a daughter. I am soo stupid. She is officially FIRED (I have been yelling "Your Fired" at all my co-workers this morning, I am still hung over).
You guys are soo much smarter then my homies in the hood. I told them my delima last night and they just looked at me and yelled "hurry up and pick your play".
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/17/2007 10:34:06 AM
Do not do anything that SS has written. Girls will not love "i gotta go do something for an hour". Especially a black girl. You will hear: "Whatchu gotta do, somebody else? mutha fucker I didn't just give up my poon so that you can go stab some other trick, now tell me where da fuck you're going".
no girl ever believes the family emergency crap unless they are involved. she will know you nailed and bailed and she will be furious and make your life hell.
play it safe and just don't nail her. its quite simple.
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