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There she is
You know how they say there's someone out there for everyone? Well I always thought that was complete and utter bullshit.
Actually it still could be, but it turns out it might also be true, and I know because against all odds I managed to find that special person who's just perfect for me in every way. There's only one problem: she's a 63-year-old migrant laborer from China.
Yeah, go figure. Here I am a 26-year-old Canadian web writer that spends most of his personal time listening to hip-hop records, watching Comedy Central and masturbating with self-hatred unmatched by any other partial Jew in the world, and my star-crossed lover is a post-menopausal Chinese widow that mixes concrete for less than I pay for the Internet each month.
So how do I know Yi Xiangtso is perfect for me? Well, it happened when I fell asleep watching the Discovery Channel. When I woke up there she was, right in the middle of a crowd of 75,000 people in some shitty news serial about the plight of the Chinese worker.
You know how people always say, "You know when you know?" Well I know, you know?
It was, in a very literal sense, love at first sight.
Beyond that you can call it a hunch, but I'm as sure of this as I am that I can't afford to bring her here and take care of her the way my angel deserves. And it's just my fucking dumb luck too.
I mean really what are the chances? All of the cliches and all of the times I watched Say Anything have prepared me for this moment, and now it's so far out of reach that not even standing on the edge of Shaolinsi holding a juke box blasting Peter Gabriel high above my head while she carries rocks up a steep hill will allow us to be together.
Besides let's face it, I'd get killed long before I made it anywhere in rural China blasting Peter Gabriel, although, maybe if it was the Wu-Tang Clan.
Yeah, can't you just picture it? Me outside some mud hut next to a coal mine that stretches as far as the eye can see, bumping "Da Mystery of Chessboxin?" Hot shit. I'd be beating off the baby makers with every ounce of strength I had.
Another day at work
No, that's not fucking going to work at all. I'm completely screwed. Destined to remain unfulfilled finger fucking boring white girls in movie theatre parking lots only to have my mind drift back to my Asian honeydrop.
Wait. I've got it! Don't guys buy women from that part of the world all the time? I mean, what's that whole Mail Order Bride thing all about? Do you think there are any connections there with the migrant Chinese laborer market?
I mean, where are all these women coming from anyway? I guess if you can adopt an infant girl from China than I should be able to have them ship over an aging lonely woman at a pretty good price. I wonder if it'd be anything like buying a used car?
Of course I'd treat her like the classic she is, but wait, no that's stupid too, how in the hell would they even find her? Son of a bitch. I give up.
On the other hand...
Hold on, no. Take a deep breath. Why the fuck am I stressing anyway? How many people actually find their "soul mate" ever? I'm starting to think this whole experience is just plain wrong.
Hmmm. That actually gives me an idea.
The fellas at work
Maybe, instead of spending countless money and hours search for Yi and bringing her to me, I could take those resources and have 10 or 12 women that fit her description sent over and see if any of them are passable as doubles. Yes! That's it. I'm a fucking genius.
Man, I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner, after all what's that they're always saying? Something about them all looking the same I think.
Then again, they also said money can't buy you love. I'll tell you this much: whoever they are, they're sure not Chinese.
Posts: 420 Rank: 49 Joined:
4/9/2007
Location:
Littleton-ish, CO
Posted: 8/17/2007 11:11:07 AM
someone is wearing their sarcasm immunity cloak this morning...
Diggy. "baby girl wins the sauce". Fucking fantastic. I think I shall exclaim that every time from here on out: "Oh yeah...(splat)...you win the sauce!!!!" Who doesn't love that kind of enthusiasm?
"I only eat it up to heat it up. And when she's ready, I jump in and beat it up..."
For me to be in a bad marriage that would mean I'd actually have had the courage to talk to a real girl. But you see, I am too shy, so in real life I can only meet woman like you.
I can't fucking believe this! Stabbing, stew pots, pot pie gravy. Would you for one goddamn minute think about how these two beautiful flowers would feel if they heard such hurtful misogynistic volgarity?? Women are not here to be objectified or used for your sick pleasures, there are to be respecte....
Wo, what the fuck was that? If it were me, I'd pick the youngin up first, take her out for a drink or two, then to a nice hotel room and tell her to order up a bottle of Dom (crys is for fags and wanna be rappers... ok Digger you might want crys). Then I'd go pick the old broad from the airport, stop for a drink near hotel room, slip some ex in her drink there, then head to the room. Crack the bubbly and fill the roman size jacuzzi tub with and get that party started.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/17/2007 11:22:41 AM
treats objects like women, man.
DC- I don't believe you. I think you are married. there is no way to prove that you aren't. you won't get a myspace, you won't give out email or anything personal. this seems like a wussy husband afriad to let wifey know he has a hobby.
They're both black? Then what the fuck is the difference? Shit is shit. That being said, a game: hottest black/hispanic/asian chicks. DLamp and Christine feel free to jump in with the male versions. I'm going with:
Vanessa Williams-truly elite Naomi Campbell Halle Berry Salma Hayek-best jugs this side of Christine
"I just wanna say-thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. For sending me an angel."
I'd have them each bring a hot friend or two of a different nationality, just to spice things up. Any holidays this weekend? I like my orgies to have a United Nations conference kind of feel.
Posts: 260 Rank: 26 Joined:
5/31/2007
Location:
Gilbert, AZ
Posted: 8/17/2007 11:36:24 AM
Someone needs to go lay on her hand and flick till she feels funny again!
I had a dream last night that I was Jesus. All these women were throwing themselves at me, but I didn't want them because I wanted a woman who wanted me for me - and not because I was Jesus.
Then I shot some fire bolts from my fingers like Tim from Holy Grail and ordered a burrito and an autographed picture of Thurman Munson from a 7-11 clerk.
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