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There she is
You know how they say there's someone out there for everyone? Well I always thought that was complete and utter bullshit.
Actually it still could be, but it turns out it might also be true, and I know because against all odds I managed to find that special person who's just perfect for me in every way. There's only one problem: she's a 63-year-old migrant laborer from China.
Yeah, go figure. Here I am a 26-year-old Canadian web writer that spends most of his personal time listening to hip-hop records, watching Comedy Central and masturbating with self-hatred unmatched by any other partial Jew in the world, and my star-crossed lover is a post-menopausal Chinese widow that mixes concrete for less than I pay for the Internet each month.
So how do I know Yi Xiangtso is perfect for me? Well, it happened when I fell asleep watching the Discovery Channel. When I woke up there she was, right in the middle of a crowd of 75,000 people in some shitty news serial about the plight of the Chinese worker.
You know how people always say, "You know when you know?" Well I know, you know?
It was, in a very literal sense, love at first sight.
Beyond that you can call it a hunch, but I'm as sure of this as I am that I can't afford to bring her here and take care of her the way my angel deserves. And it's just my fucking dumb luck too.
I mean really what are the chances? All of the cliches and all of the times I watched Say Anything have prepared me for this moment, and now it's so far out of reach that not even standing on the edge of Shaolinsi holding a juke box blasting Peter Gabriel high above my head while she carries rocks up a steep hill will allow us to be together.
Besides let's face it, I'd get killed long before I made it anywhere in rural China blasting Peter Gabriel, although, maybe if it was the Wu-Tang Clan.
Yeah, can't you just picture it? Me outside some mud hut next to a coal mine that stretches as far as the eye can see, bumping "Da Mystery of Chessboxin?" Hot shit. I'd be beating off the baby makers with every ounce of strength I had.
Another day at work
No, that's not fucking going to work at all. I'm completely screwed. Destined to remain unfulfilled finger fucking boring white girls in movie theatre parking lots only to have my mind drift back to my Asian honeydrop.
Wait. I've got it! Don't guys buy women from that part of the world all the time? I mean, what's that whole Mail Order Bride thing all about? Do you think there are any connections there with the migrant Chinese laborer market?
I mean, where are all these women coming from anyway? I guess if you can adopt an infant girl from China than I should be able to have them ship over an aging lonely woman at a pretty good price. I wonder if it'd be anything like buying a used car?
Of course I'd treat her like the classic she is, but wait, no that's stupid too, how in the hell would they even find her? Son of a bitch. I give up.
On the other hand...
Hold on, no. Take a deep breath. Why the fuck am I stressing anyway? How many people actually find their "soul mate" ever? I'm starting to think this whole experience is just plain wrong.
Hmmm. That actually gives me an idea.
The fellas at work
Maybe, instead of spending countless money and hours search for Yi and bringing her to me, I could take those resources and have 10 or 12 women that fit her description sent over and see if any of them are passable as doubles. Yes! That's it. I'm a fucking genius.
Man, I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner, after all what's that they're always saying? Something about them all looking the same I think.
Then again, they also said money can't buy you love. I'll tell you this much: whoever they are, they're sure not Chinese.
I didn't mean to hurt you with the immovable fat girl comment. I'll leave the fat jokes to Vert from now on. I'll e-mail you a photo of my penis to make up for it.
Posts: 887 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 8/17/2007 11:53:57 AM
I know you probably won't listen to me (your people seem to hate my people worse than the Bush administration) but I think you should call the "golden oldie" and tell her you will pick her up at the airport, and act like you are really excited to see her, even go as far as to say some shit like "baby, I will be making the sweetest of love to you. Sweeter than an ice cream sundae covered in my chocolate sauce. There may also be caramel." and then just don't show up. Let her ass sit there while you work that young nubile thing like you were a slave owner. Then go play a game as the Bengals for me.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/17/2007 11:57:06 AM
My love is endless. If I love you, I love you. And I loved, loved DC. He was the pony my daddy never bought me. and then he went and kicked me in the face.
but the cock shot will make up for it: choff2327@yahoo.com
If you all send me one, not only will I be "laying on my hand" all the time, I'll be able to make on hell of a collage.
I'm going outside to bask in the weather and smoke 12 cigarettes. Maybe I will stop being in a bad mood.
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