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There she is
You know how they say there's someone out there for everyone? Well I always thought that was complete and utter bullshit.
Actually it still could be, but it turns out it might also be true, and I know because against all odds I managed to find that special person who's just perfect for me in every way. There's only one problem: she's a 63-year-old migrant laborer from China.
Yeah, go figure. Here I am a 26-year-old Canadian web writer that spends most of his personal time listening to hip-hop records, watching Comedy Central and masturbating with self-hatred unmatched by any other partial Jew in the world, and my star-crossed lover is a post-menopausal Chinese widow that mixes concrete for less than I pay for the Internet each month.
So how do I know Yi Xiangtso is perfect for me? Well, it happened when I fell asleep watching the Discovery Channel. When I woke up there she was, right in the middle of a crowd of 75,000 people in some shitty news serial about the plight of the Chinese worker.
You know how people always say, "You know when you know?" Well I know, you know?
It was, in a very literal sense, love at first sight.
Beyond that you can call it a hunch, but I'm as sure of this as I am that I can't afford to bring her here and take care of her the way my angel deserves. And it's just my fucking dumb luck too.
I mean really what are the chances? All of the cliches and all of the times I watched Say Anything have prepared me for this moment, and now it's so far out of reach that not even standing on the edge of Shaolinsi holding a juke box blasting Peter Gabriel high above my head while she carries rocks up a steep hill will allow us to be together.
Besides let's face it, I'd get killed long before I made it anywhere in rural China blasting Peter Gabriel, although, maybe if it was the Wu-Tang Clan.
Yeah, can't you just picture it? Me outside some mud hut next to a coal mine that stretches as far as the eye can see, bumping "Da Mystery of Chessboxin?" Hot shit. I'd be beating off the baby makers with every ounce of strength I had.
Another day at work
No, that's not fucking going to work at all. I'm completely screwed. Destined to remain unfulfilled finger fucking boring white girls in movie theatre parking lots only to have my mind drift back to my Asian honeydrop.
Wait. I've got it! Don't guys buy women from that part of the world all the time? I mean, what's that whole Mail Order Bride thing all about? Do you think there are any connections there with the migrant Chinese laborer market?
I mean, where are all these women coming from anyway? I guess if you can adopt an infant girl from China than I should be able to have them ship over an aging lonely woman at a pretty good price. I wonder if it'd be anything like buying a used car?
Of course I'd treat her like the classic she is, but wait, no that's stupid too, how in the hell would they even find her? Son of a bitch. I give up.
On the other hand...
Hold on, no. Take a deep breath. Why the fuck am I stressing anyway? How many people actually find their "soul mate" ever? I'm starting to think this whole experience is just plain wrong.
Hmmm. That actually gives me an idea.
The fellas at work
Maybe, instead of spending countless money and hours search for Yi and bringing her to me, I could take those resources and have 10 or 12 women that fit her description sent over and see if any of them are passable as doubles. Yes! That's it. I'm a fucking genius.
Man, I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner, after all what's that they're always saying? Something about them all looking the same I think.
Then again, they also said money can't buy you love. I'll tell you this much: whoever they are, they're sure not Chinese.
Posts: 22 Rank: 96 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Columbia, MO
Posted: 8/17/2007 12:10:26 PM
Jessica Biel has an ass you could bounce a quarter off of. She may be white, but she has a white man's black ass; all the bounceage and gripability, none of the ghetto anger.
Eva Longoria is a fantastic representation for the Mexican girls.
Christine, to answer your question from yesterday, the old name was John Pullega.
Also, I woke my gf up in the middle of the night last night, because Lost in Translation came on and I just can't control myself after seeing scarlett Johanssen bouncing around in a beater and panties for an hour. The fucking turbo DSLs on that bitch too. Fuck.
Posts: 1123 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 8/17/2007 12:27:00 PM
Is far and away the boringest, yes I made that a word, movie I have ever seen next to the terrible "My Blue Heaven". Not even SJ can make that piece of shit watchable. They should force Iraqi prisoners to watch it on a loop until they give up information..it would take half a viewing.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 8/17/2007 12:33:40 PM
Black - Candace Parker, basketball player who jsut graduated college. Out of the uniform she looks outstanding. Can't find a good picture though. This category neds new blood as it's time for Halle and Tyra to pass the torch.
Latina - Selma Hayek is tough to beat. http://pwbeat.publishersweekly.com/blog/wp-content/2007/05/Salma_Hayek.jpg
Asian - Kobe Tai is definitely up there. http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/9/94/200px-Kobe_Tai.jpg
You can buy a replica of her vagina here: http://image.ceneo.pl/data/products/224508/productToCategory.jpg
I was almost dooced three times while putting together this post.
Posts: 420 Rank: 49 Joined:
4/9/2007
Location:
Littleton-ish, CO
Posted: 8/17/2007 12:42:38 PM
I don't think you can name off colored girls (do dodoo di do doodidoo) since they of your same region in the color picker. Luckily you get to name off white chicks. But hot fat white celebs may leave your choices a little thin...
And I probably fucked up the song reference....you get the idea. Don't judge me.
Why are we turning this into a racial thing - aren't they all pink where it really counts?
Posts: 260 Rank: 26 Joined:
5/31/2007
Location:
Gilbert, AZ
Posted: 8/17/2007 12:54:52 PM
There isn't a woman that's been on TV/Movie Screen that I haven't asked that question about. By the way, Angela Lansberry is an absolute freak in my imagination.
A View to a Kill Grace Jones - do-able Boomerang Grace Jones - scared the shit out of me
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