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Good morning, children. Welcome to your first day of kindergarten. Boy, there sure are a lot of you, aren't there. Say, just to get things started, I'd like to take a moment and get to know you all a little bit. First, please raise your hand if your birthday is in June, July, or August.
Okay, I guess I might as well explain why that is. You see, about six years ago, some people did a very bad thing, and it made everyone in the country very afraid and forced them to think about what they were doing with their lives. Now, the logical reaction to a national tragedy of that magnitude would be to say, "I refuse to bring another innocent life into a world where something terrible like this can happen". But instead, a lot of mommies and daddies, or in most cases just the mommies, decided that they needed to do something to makes themselves feel like their lives were worthwhile. As a result, all of you came along in the next nine to twelve months. Of course, after a while people sort of got over the very bad thing and they settled back into their comfortable familiar routines.
Just out of curiosity, please raise your hand if you can remember a time when you didn't go to day care.
That's what I thought.
What's that? You want to know why the people did the very bad thing? That's adorable. What's your name, dear? Madison? How many of the rest of you are named Madison?
Wow. In my class it was Jennifer, but I guess times change.
No, seriously, he really said 'I cannot tell a lie'.
Anyway, Madison, it's wonderful that you still think it's fun to know things. That feeling won't last. Pretty soon it will actually be important for you to know things, but you won't care. And of course, those of you who still think it's fun to know things will be constantly tormented because of it.
To get back to your question, Madison, I can't tell you why the people did the bad thing. The curriculum says you won't learn that until the second grade, and even then it will mostly be lies. Then in sixth grade they will admit that they lied to you in second grade and they'll tell you new lies that they'll expect you to believe. Or, at least, repeat. By the time you get to tenth grade, they might actually tell you the truth, but like I said, by then you won't care.
This will also be the case for the Civil War. And the American Revolution. And Vietnam. And most of the rest of American History. And Government, for that matter. In fact, I were you, I'd stick to things that either entirely empirical, like Math, or entirely subjective, like Literature.
No, Connor, because there's no funding for Art or Music.
Because we can't measure the results.
Anyway, children, I want you all to understand that school is an adventure. You'll make friends, and probably enemies. There will be victories and disappointments. Most of your social interactions will be with the same people, over and over again, and so if you're smart the main thing that you'll learn is how to manipulate situations to your advantage. If you're not smart, you'll learn to coast, which is just as effective.
Okay, that's it for the morning address. Now it's nap time. Enjoy it while it lasts.
1. If ever I find out 9/11 was a conspiracy, I will drive down to Crawford, TX, break into the W Compound, hunt down Mrs. Bush (a FLILTGTBT - First Lady I'd Like To Give The Business To - by the way) and the Little Miss Bushes, tie them up, and fuck them on a trampoline with the blonde one sucking my balls while I jam the brunette from behind and sit on the First Lady's face as she tongues the inner depths of my rectum while W. watches.
Then I would read W. passages from 'Profiles in Courage' (or possibly a chemistry textbook) til his head explodes, all while earwigs are shoved up his pee hole and eating him from inside.
3. Toque, you are a sonuvabitch......but dammit I respect you.
4. TPPFF - can't wait til I get stuck with the 14th pick and have to make a choice between Cedric Benson, MOJO Drew, or saying "Fuck it!" and going with a QB two rounds earlier than I should. It happens every time.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/31/2007 8:13:40 PM
I am so mad that the pic I made for you did not come out the way I had hoped. I am scanning all this shit now, so it will be a while, but you will be disappointed. sorry. I love you more than French Vanilla Cookie lip gloss and that is saying a whole lot.
It's late, I'm drunk, and there was some serious shit going on here yesterday (or, I guess, it was the day before now). I will just say this
I am really glad to see that deuce is back, and I need to get into the TPPFFL. What the hell am I doing that I am not signed up yet? It is probably too late. and I am the lamerst fuck that ever had a hand cramp while, well, you know.
Ok. I need to sleep now. Anyone know the set-up to this punch-line?
"...what's the name of his other leg?"
I gotta freaky ol' lady, name of Cocaine Katy who embroidras on my jeans...
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 9/2/2007 1:54:24 PM
I just got out of bed, going to grab a case of miller light a large cheese and pepperoni pizza and come back and hang in the house with you fuckers on a nice fucking day off, i need a life.
Posts: 803 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 9/2/2007 2:16:41 PM
I was foiled by the cotton pony Friday night. Yeah, I know...excuses are all the same. Fuck off.
I will "close" next weekend. Bank it. Sadly, I will then be faced with another predicament: how to soft shoe my way out of a "relationship" dynamic. Tragic.
Posts: 7 Rank: 2066 Joined:
9/1/2007
Location:
parts unknown, MN
Posted: 9/4/2007 1:26:53 AM
maybe like apollo in rocky 3 during the slow motion - hugging Stallone in the water because he beat me in a foot race on the beach oh shit dude, your wife is looking at us and i wanna let go but maybe you should too and we'll act like tough guys but you know I'm gonna let you put the powdered alka-seltzer in your butt with a little water so it foams up while I'm pounding your ass and then after I brick in your ass then you clench and flex and shoot it into a steel bed pan and make me drink it... uh...hi Adrian."
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