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Good morning, children. Welcome to your first day of kindergarten. Boy, there sure are a lot of you, aren't there. Say, just to get things started, I'd like to take a moment and get to know you all a little bit. First, please raise your hand if your birthday is in June, July, or August.
Okay, I guess I might as well explain why that is. You see, about six years ago, some people did a very bad thing, and it made everyone in the country very afraid and forced them to think about what they were doing with their lives. Now, the logical reaction to a national tragedy of that magnitude would be to say, "I refuse to bring another innocent life into a world where something terrible like this can happen". But instead, a lot of mommies and daddies, or in most cases just the mommies, decided that they needed to do something to makes themselves feel like their lives were worthwhile. As a result, all of you came along in the next nine to twelve months. Of course, after a while people sort of got over the very bad thing and they settled back into their comfortable familiar routines.
Just out of curiosity, please raise your hand if you can remember a time when you didn't go to day care.
That's what I thought.
What's that? You want to know why the people did the very bad thing? That's adorable. What's your name, dear? Madison? How many of the rest of you are named Madison?
Wow. In my class it was Jennifer, but I guess times change.
No, seriously, he really said 'I cannot tell a lie'.
Anyway, Madison, it's wonderful that you still think it's fun to know things. That feeling won't last. Pretty soon it will actually be important for you to know things, but you won't care. And of course, those of you who still think it's fun to know things will be constantly tormented because of it.
To get back to your question, Madison, I can't tell you why the people did the bad thing. The curriculum says you won't learn that until the second grade, and even then it will mostly be lies. Then in sixth grade they will admit that they lied to you in second grade and they'll tell you new lies that they'll expect you to believe. Or, at least, repeat. By the time you get to tenth grade, they might actually tell you the truth, but like I said, by then you won't care.
This will also be the case for the Civil War. And the American Revolution. And Vietnam. And most of the rest of American History. And Government, for that matter. In fact, I were you, I'd stick to things that either entirely empirical, like Math, or entirely subjective, like Literature.
No, Connor, because there's no funding for Art or Music.
Because we can't measure the results.
Anyway, children, I want you all to understand that school is an adventure. You'll make friends, and probably enemies. There will be victories and disappointments. Most of your social interactions will be with the same people, over and over again, and so if you're smart the main thing that you'll learn is how to manipulate situations to your advantage. If you're not smart, you'll learn to coast, which is just as effective.
Okay, that's it for the morning address. Now it's nap time. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/31/2007 1:03:59 PM
Did you know I met Tom A in NYC and I slept over at his hotel room and all (completely un-sexually). We hung out all night and talked about you and how you are fucking amazing. and at the same time we both asked, "are you really him?" it was funny. But we deduced that neither of us are you so you are a real person. A real person who has left us.
Milton also asked about you. I think he has been trying to send you some funny stuff via myspace.
Posts: 2047 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 8/31/2007 1:25:48 PM
Looks like Christine killed the boards today with all of her political talk. Way to go, blondie!
In other news: A guy just died in front of my building. He was walking across the street and got run over by a motorhome. Kinda sobering. One minute you're walking over to the mall for some McDonald's fries, then next minute your kids are fatherless.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/31/2007 1:36:32 PM
I wish I could rewind time to that exact second of your newest lie. I would suggest that you run out for some coffee and then your kids would be fatherless. happy friday to you, baldy.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/31/2007 1:40:04 PM
I never had anything like that happen to me during a lunch break. Most of my stories involved hearing people say stupid shit or seeing something random and funny. No one was ever robbed, beaten, or killed during a Christine lunch story.
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