Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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Everything you ever needed to know is in this column. How to blow up a grown man, check. How to insult women and make them like it, check. How to use shrinky dinks and chia pets as contraceptives, che… Wait a minute. I can't give you all my secrets. But since my column turned 100 last time, I thought Napalm 101 should be everything you need to know to write you very own Napalm column. Here are some very simple steps to follow.
The Intro – Typically this only requires waking up. Usually, without much effort some asshole senator who hates gay people will play footsies with another grown ass man in a bathroom stall before I can even get through my 3 S's (That would be a shit, shower and shave for those of you not accustomed to a daily regimen. Your average latrine may not be the first thing you want to think about in the morning, but dropping your brown babies off at the pool at 0500 certainly beats having to dump in your helmet while in the middle of a 20 click march uphill. Nuff said.). Normally some idiot takes a Michael Richards all over his own life and all I typically need to do is point it out along with some obvious clues why the aforementioned douche of the day should toe fuck himself to death in the ear. Example: Tonight on 20/20, the newsmagazine program features a shocking story that exposes… wait for it… another newsmagazine show. Yep 20/20 is doing a special piece that should be called "To Catch A Competitor!" The startling expose proves that dateline NBC's "To Catch A Predator" was really just for entertainment because none of the convictions stood and one guy even killed himself when they tried to ensnare him. With the 12 hours of newsmagazine shows on a week it's getting to the point that I hardly need the 14 hours of procedural dramas that follow them (Law and Order: Special NAMBLA Unit, CSI: Gary, IN and NCIS – the show where every criminal should kill themselves because they got caught by a bunch of gay sailors). Once the intro is done and the day's turd burglar has been appropriately lambasted then it's time to pick some stuff to review.
Movies – First off you have to figure out what to see and how to see it. I typically like to see movies with either breasts, guns, or funny jokes. Though I don't mind mixing my breasts and guns, or my jokes and breasts, typically mixing my jokes and guns only leads to catastrophes like Hollywood Homicide or anything directed by Bret Ratner. Once a new theatrical release has been selected the problem becomes that most screenings are reserved for "real" press, which typically leaves me three choices.
1). Ask Charlie to stop choking down cigarettes long enough to request a press pass on behalf on of our little publication… The Onion. If they asked why we've changed our mailing address to a PO Box in Culver City, proceed immediately to step two. 2). Pretend I am Brenda Della Casa. She is well liked and respected in a certain 3 block radius of Manhattan near Lex and 72 right by Burger One. If the movie is playing at one of those 2 theaters then we are good to go. If that doesn't work there is always step three. 3). Break out the yarmulke. Any old beanie will do, but why not use the genuine article. Crashing a barmitzvah is easy, plus you get free food. Just don't forget to swipe Uncle Harel's kippah when he starts bobbing for apples in the Manishevitz. Once you don what I like to call Daddy's Magic Skull cap, all you have to do is show up at a premiere or screening and say that you are Bill Weinstein's new assistant at Endeavor and if you don't get inside to give him the blackberry he left at the office then you are going to have to be the guy who gives Joe Rogan his colonic before he meets with his agent. Then start talking about how Rogan once nervously sharted himself in front of all the Spike TV and Zuffa brass when his UFC contract was up for renewal and how he now insists on being "cleared" out before any meetings. If you still aren't inside tell them about the secluded room where Rogan is storing his "treaments" for that special reunion episode of Fear Factor where stunt number 2 involves doing stunts in number 2.
Then you can sit down and enjoy the film. At least that is what I used to do. These days I just hit up Isohunt.com a download a shitty torrent that typically features that back of some assholes head as much as it does the cast. I couldn't believe that maggot who stood up in the middle of The Departed. I didn't know it was Sheen who took the dumpster dive until I finally saw the movie on Cinemax a few weeks ago. But we all have to suffer for our art. And yet, in some cases none of the above is necessary. I'm pretty sure any monkey that is smart enough to fling its own poo can do a review of Stealth without seeing the movie too.
TV – The most important question you need to ask yourself here is what are the chances of seeing boobs. Shows like "Rome", "The Sopranos", "Dexter", "Californication" and even "the L Word" typically receive high marks because they have tits in them. If you are going to waste 10 to 22 hours of your life on a show in one year you'll at least want the ability to freeze frame once or twice and squeeze off some of your milky throat coat to a couple of Bada Bing babes. If not the show better be damn good like "The Shield", "Rescue Me", "Its Always Sunny" or something that at least comes with a TVMA for language or violence.
DVD – This is where you can really show off the big guns. If it's coming out on DVD that typically means people have either seen it already or could give a flying fistfuck about ever seeing it. Now the real work begins. If everyone has seen the film that means you duty as a reviewer is to point out what they might have missed that is worth seeing again. EX: Love Song For Bobby Long was really just another reason to want to flush Quentin's coke supply for having resurrected John Travolta's career, but here on the small screen Travolta's presence becomes meaningless when you have the ability to freeze frame Scarlett "Boing" Johansson's malleable mommy mound as it hangs effortlessly to the side in the oh too brief seconds when she is quickly toweling off on the tub. The moment makes Helen "kuh" Hunt's As Good As It Gets scene feel more like Harvey Keitel's routine traffic stop in Bad Lieutenant.
Music – If you hear anything that doesn't sound like flossing your teeth with 40 grit Scotch Brite let me know. Most days I'm over the whole sound/hearing thing.
The Rating – This part is pretty easy. 9 times out of 10 the movie, show, book or song sucked a wet fart out of my ass. So you won't have to chop off too many ears or testicles to rate most entertainment. Here's an easy formula to help you. If you have five friends that watch say, Talladega Nights, how many of them would laugh at the Walker/Texas Ranger joke even after they had seen it 300 hundred times in the commercial before the movie even came out? Then subtract that number from five and you have your rating. Then find those friends that laughed and drive the bridge of their noses into their frontal lobes with a tennis ball.
The Actual Review - Pretty easy formula here. It's kinda like Madlibs. You take a basic concept of how shitty the movie was and then just fill in the blanks. It's simple. Let's try one.
Watching (overpaid actor) is like (riculous metaphor). I would rather (verb) (hot starlet's name with fake nickname inserted) with (any male comenter's) (penile euphemism) than see (overpaid actor) (verb) her on film. And if you don't agree with that I will (describe an overtly violent way to kill another person without using an actual weapon). (Descriptive alliteration)(obscure pop culture reference)(curse word). (Offensive religious slander), I have never wanted to (wild card- insert any activity of your choice) so much in my life. But since I can't, I guess I will have to wait for the sequel and hope that (insert shitty director) learns how to light (hot starlet's)(vaginal euphemism) so that I don't just see (overpaid actor's) (adjective) (body part) (verb-ing) her (body part) for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home a watched (80's tv show) and seen better (body part) than that.
Do a couple of those in the entertainment genre of your choice, ask some questions to get the readers' juices flowing for the day, find a picture on the internet that has a high "what the fuck" factor, and your very own Napalm Review column is done. But since you don't get paid to write this column let me finish my job for you. Flip the page for this week's reviews.
I am a respectable gal and could not be caught showing you my tumbleweed on the first date, sugar! I really must say that you are a very dashing young man and I have every intention of letting you 'steer' your cattle into my corral next weekend. Just be gentle, this lamb hasn't been sheered in a while, so I will be pretty sensitive.
Our night was great. You were a perfect gentleman, buying me drinks and making me laugh, although, I guess I should tell you now that had you of bought me a shot of Patrone, I would have whistled your Dixie all night long. But oh well! Live and learn!
You're so sweet, appreciate the miniskirt, and don't mind all those hits on your myspace from various people across the US. You look great, maybe change the music section, add "i love guitar" or something.
Shartan, someone stole a computer from the office last night. Bill Goade is completely pissed, do you know anything? Please don't tell me you did it to support your bingo addiction, I've never had crisper lines in my shirts.
Game: Throw out some ideas for band names if you were starting one-bonus if you attach a genre along. I'll try:
The Driller Killers-Metal The Sugarpops-Cute girl band The Good Ole Boys-Country Raider Hats and Khakis-Rap Mint Chocolate Chip Parking Lot Handjob After Hours Napalm Jones and the Euphemisms
"One leg in the east, one leg in the west. And me in the middle, trying to do my best!"
Posts: 447 Rank: 19 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 9/7/2007 12:23:04 PM
Flamming Vagina - Folk Itchy Bunghole - Country I've got VD and now that you love me so do you - Rap Dirty Pool - Speed Grind Metal Moose Knuckle - Love Ballads.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 9/7/2007 12:28:56 PM
Watching (Richard Gere) is like (eating out your grandma). I would rather (penetrate) (Carmen "I'll fuck anyone that plays guitar" Electra) with (T-Bone's) (divining rod) than see (Richard Gere) (defile) her on film. And if you don't agree with that I will (rip yuor liver out with my bare hands using your anus as the point of entry). (Bleeding)(Yakov Smirnov's)(asshole).(Holy Mohammed's Dutch cartoon), I have never wanted to (have a necrophiliac orgy) so much in my life. But since I can't, I guess I will have to wait for the sequel and hope that (the Wayan's Brothers) learns how to light (Carmen Electra's)(penis deposit box) so that I don't just see (Richrd Gere's) (overrated) (head) (licking) her (pelvis) for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home a watched (Supermarket Sweep) and seen better (gash) than that.
2. Being an extra in the "Beat It" video doesn't automatically make you cool.
3. Senator Craig - can't a United states senator afford a better way to get his rocks off than that. Really? An airport bathroom? C'mon dude everyone knows when you're in Minneapolis the place for gay promiscuity is the rest stop on I-375 by the Metrodome.
Posts: 1055 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 9/7/2007 12:36:17 PM
some advice, for date #2 - if she pays you a compliment while throating you (something along the lines of: "stop thrusting & let go of my ears, you're choking me"), you should pay her one back: " that was so good, you should write a book," for guarantee of future knobbage.
game: the folksy rapists - nothing but love songs hatefuck - metal been there, done that - country(real) & bluegrass timb's & shit - rap 4giveus - pop & teen shit
Posts: 453 Rank: 28 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 9/7/2007 12:44:27 PM
Flamming Orgasm: gay-techno Sloppy Pipe Layer: Rock Barbwire Anal Beads: Metal Bang Bang Mo Fo: Ganstah Rap Me Pica La Raja (spanish for: my crack itches): Latino Pop
Posts: 115 Rank: 2135 Joined:
7/23/2007
Location:
Albany, NY
Posted: 9/7/2007 12:51:07 PM
and question #1 is why. Just a little convoluted for me.
That being said, this how-to article was freaking awesome. And who am I to judge Major Payne, anyway?
2. After 'Airheads' didn't lead to lead roles, Reginald Cathey resorted to some really wierd porn flicks.
3. I nominate Whoopi Goldberg, for not only defending Michael Vick, but doing so after every waterhead in the country finally got together to agree that he was a scumbag.
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