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 | | I put this photo of my on my friends refridgerators when they're not looking |
Penetrating the Secret World of the Just Be Friends Artist
Pickup Artists says it's a bad thing when girls say "Let's just be friends." Wrong. Today she's just your friend, but in six or seven years you can make her your best friend. And best friends get to: hug, quick lip kiss, sleep in the same bed, zip up the back of her dress, and have drunken mistake sex.
I know you're asking, "How do I become a Just Be Friends Artist or a a JBFA for short?" Well, I can teach you. Now you're asking, "Who is this guy?"
I'm known as Sweet Guy. Pickup Artists have handles like Style, Mystery, Papa, Gypsy, and Two-Timer, while JBFAs have names like Simpatico, Amigo, Daddy-Issues, Reliable-Timer, and my personal guru, Gentleman Frank.
Currently I have over 37 different girls that I'm good friends with and 16 of those consider me their best friend. I give each one of them a necklace that reads "Best." My necklace reads "Friends." When the two are put together, they know what's up. Score.
The secret to all of this? B.E.T.A. Be Enthusiastic To Apathy. When a girl is completely ignoring you at the bar, BETA! Buy her a drink. Hell, buy her twelve, listen to her complain about her rockstar boyfriend with the huge cock for three hours, and hold her hair while she vomits. When a girl doesn't care if you sleep beside her, BETA! Tell her it makes you feel special that she trusts you not to make a move like most guys would. When a girl sucks face with another dude in front of you like you're not even there, BETA! Politely wait for them to finish, which could take hours, and then say how extraordinary it is to see two people so in love.
Be proud to be a BETA Male! And if people ever make fun of you for it, ask them what fish is the most vicious. If they say a Great White Shark, you tell them, "No, a Chinese Fighting Fish!" You can't even put two of those in the same bowl without them ripping each other to shreds. And what are Chinese Fighting Fish also known as, Bettas. Get it?
Now that you're a BETA Male, let's think about a BETA Male's lair. The last thing you want a girl to think when she enters your bedroom is "Sex," because then she will start thinking of her boyfriend and won't be focused on your friendship. I've taken it a step further and don't even have a bedroom. I live on my mom's couch. That screams non-threatening. Even if I wanted to, we couldn't have sex because my mom won't let my have company over after dark.
However, if you're not ready to give up your bedroom yet, make sure you have these items in your bedroom:
 | | This poster hangs over my bed/couch. |
1) Stars Wars comforter with Thundercats sheets (silk sheets are for date rapists)
2) Jumbo-sized box of Kleenex with Aloe (not only does it show you're sensitive, it's great for when she starts crying about her boyfriend cheating on her again)
3) Safety scissors (shows you're not dangerous while scrapbooking or making collages)
4) Ant farm (alpha males use cute animals to pick up girls, but not you!)
5) Massage Table (proves that you take massages seriously, not as a way to get girls in bed)
And the top item every JBFA needs to have is a poster of John Cryer portraying his signature character, Duckie from Pretty in Pink. This tells girls you'll be her friend always, even if she starts dating a stuck up asshole like Andrew McCarthy. Now, some people have pointed out to me that Duckie never got Molly Ringwald in that movie. That's true, but if you saw John Cryer's next film, Morgan Stewart's Coming Home, he has a girlfriend in it. See? Good things come to those who wait.
Okay, that's all have time for today, I have to go walk my friend Suzie's Labrador and wash the cum stains out of Virginia's sheets before her date tonight. But if you'd like more advice on how to be passive aggressive, how to be an emotional tampon, and how be her yoga partner without getting turned on, write me at JBFA22@yahoo.com.
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