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I put this photo of my on my friends refridgerators when they're not looking
Penetrating the Secret World of the Just Be Friends Artist
Pickup Artists says it's a bad thing when girls say "Let's just be friends." Wrong. Today she's just your friend, but in six or seven years you can make her your best friend. And best friends get to: hug, quick lip kiss, sleep in the same bed, zip up the back of her dress, and have drunken mistake sex.
I know you're asking, "How do I become a Just Be Friends Artist or a a JBFA for short?" Well, I can teach you. Now you're asking, "Who is this guy?"
I'm known as Sweet Guy. Pickup Artists have handles like Style, Mystery, Papa, Gypsy, and Two-Timer, while JBFAs have names like Simpatico, Amigo, Daddy-Issues, Reliable-Timer, and my personal guru, Gentleman Frank.
Currently I have over 37 different girls that I'm good friends with and 16 of those consider me their best friend. I give each one of them a necklace that reads "Best." My necklace reads "Friends." When the two are put together, they know what's up. Score.
The secret to all of this? B.E.T.A. Be Enthusiastic To Apathy. When a girl is completely ignoring you at the bar, BETA! Buy her a drink. Hell, buy her twelve, listen to her complain about her rockstar boyfriend with the huge cock for three hours, and hold her hair while she vomits. When a girl doesn't care if you sleep beside her, BETA! Tell her it makes you feel special that she trusts you not to make a move like most guys would. When a girl sucks face with another dude in front of you like you're not even there, BETA! Politely wait for them to finish, which could take hours, and then say how extraordinary it is to see two people so in love.
Be proud to be a BETA Male! And if people ever make fun of you for it, ask them what fish is the most vicious. If they say a Great White Shark, you tell them, "No, a Chinese Fighting Fish!" You can't even put two of those in the same bowl without them ripping each other to shreds. And what are Chinese Fighting Fish also known as, Bettas. Get it?
Now that you're a BETA Male, let's think about a BETA Male's lair. The last thing you want a girl to think when she enters your bedroom is "Sex," because then she will start thinking of her boyfriend and won't be focused on your friendship. I've taken it a step further and don't even have a bedroom. I live on my mom's couch. That screams non-threatening. Even if I wanted to, we couldn't have sex because my mom won't let my have company over after dark.
However, if you're not ready to give up your bedroom yet, make sure you have these items in your bedroom:
This poster hangs over my bed/couch.
1) Stars Wars comforter with Thundercats sheets (silk sheets are for date rapists) 2) Jumbo-sized box of Kleenex with Aloe (not only does it show you're sensitive, it's great for when she starts crying about her boyfriend cheating on her again) 3) Safety scissors (shows you're not dangerous while scrapbooking or making collages) 4) Ant farm (alpha males use cute animals to pick up girls, but not you!) 5) Massage Table (proves that you take massages seriously, not as a way to get girls in bed)
And the top item every JBFA needs to have is a poster of John Cryer portraying his signature character, Duckie from Pretty in Pink. This tells girls you'll be her friend always, even if she starts dating a stuck up asshole like Andrew McCarthy. Now, some people have pointed out to me that Duckie never got Molly Ringwald in that movie. That's true, but if you saw John Cryer's next film, Morgan Stewart's Coming Home, he has a girlfriend in it. See? Good things come to those who wait.
Okay, that's all have time for today, I have to go walk my friend Suzie's Labrador and wash the cum stains out of Virginia's sheets before her date tonight. But if you'd like more advice on how to be passive aggressive, how to be an emotional tampon, and how be her yoga partner without getting turned on, write me at JBFA22@yahoo.com.
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 9/11/2007 11:52:24 AM
to be best friends with a chick you wanna fuck. If you are best friends with her, it isn't mutual and she bitches to her "dick boyfriend" that your gay ass is going to be jealous the said dick boy friend is with her today. Homos should sac up and tell the bitch they wanna fuck her. Obviously i've had ex's with the homo best friend that got at it after i'm through violating every orafice on her, cuming on her face, dick poking her eye after nutting on face and just generally treating her like an alaround whore for as long as i'm entertained by it. Enjoy the fucking emotional mess that i've left you with pal.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/11/2007 11:52:44 AM
For years. Had no interest in him. But he ended up being the first to meet Queen Alice. and now he uses me like a disposable contact and makes me feel dirty and shameful. I think he got his revenge.
Great job Ryan. Your ability to thwart the everyday retard is mind boggling.
Posts: 769 Rank: 17 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 9/11/2007 12:05:21 PM
That's the position you put yourself in and you allowed him to do it. And Vert has a point, he is your slumpbuster. If it helps you mentally to view him as your jumpoff - whatever.
Posts: 2047 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 9/11/2007 12:17:06 PM
Holy shit. Post #13 is Hall of Fame. Well done Nick.
Christine - Maybe if you weren't such a fat pig, you would have more confidence when you find yourself with a guy in your bed. I KNOW you are worried about showing your gut to some potential fuck-piston, so keep up the good work on your diet. I'm pulling for you.... Seriously though, go get laid, quickly, because if you don't get laid by October 1st, I'm going to order you a male escort.
Posts: 769 Rank: 17 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 9/11/2007 12:23:15 PM
I know what happened. He's a quiet guy, and he was waiting for a pause in the conversation so he could make his move and she never stopped talking. He doesn't want to just jump her and he figures at some point she'll take a breath and he can jump in, but it doesn't happen.
Then she kept doing stuff to throw him off-balance, like the long tooth brushing. He's sitting there trying to figure out if she's knitting a quilt in there and she brushing each molar a hundred times on each side. In the end, he just figures 'fuck it' tucks his orange feet beneath a blanket and lives to fight another day.
Posts: 16 Rank: 184 Joined:
12/12/2006
Location:
Swilladelphia, PA
Posted: 9/11/2007 12:30:29 PM
I played the role of the Beta to the girlfriends of all of the big studs in my high school and college so that they didn't feel threatened. All the while I was pounding holes like I was standing in front of a whack-a-mole at Chuck E Cheese and doing it on the sly.
Christine, I've got a wedding coming up in Villanova on the 22nd that you are welcome to crash if you want. Many eligible bachelors with giant meat popsicles that would love to meet you. Conshy Mariot for the post-party. . .
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