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I put this photo of my on my friends refridgerators when they're not looking
Penetrating the Secret World of the Just Be Friends Artist
Pickup Artists says it's a bad thing when girls say "Let's just be friends." Wrong. Today she's just your friend, but in six or seven years you can make her your best friend. And best friends get to: hug, quick lip kiss, sleep in the same bed, zip up the back of her dress, and have drunken mistake sex.
I know you're asking, "How do I become a Just Be Friends Artist or a a JBFA for short?" Well, I can teach you. Now you're asking, "Who is this guy?"
I'm known as Sweet Guy. Pickup Artists have handles like Style, Mystery, Papa, Gypsy, and Two-Timer, while JBFAs have names like Simpatico, Amigo, Daddy-Issues, Reliable-Timer, and my personal guru, Gentleman Frank.
Currently I have over 37 different girls that I'm good friends with and 16 of those consider me their best friend. I give each one of them a necklace that reads "Best." My necklace reads "Friends." When the two are put together, they know what's up. Score.
The secret to all of this? B.E.T.A. Be Enthusiastic To Apathy. When a girl is completely ignoring you at the bar, BETA! Buy her a drink. Hell, buy her twelve, listen to her complain about her rockstar boyfriend with the huge cock for three hours, and hold her hair while she vomits. When a girl doesn't care if you sleep beside her, BETA! Tell her it makes you feel special that she trusts you not to make a move like most guys would. When a girl sucks face with another dude in front of you like you're not even there, BETA! Politely wait for them to finish, which could take hours, and then say how extraordinary it is to see two people so in love.
Be proud to be a BETA Male! And if people ever make fun of you for it, ask them what fish is the most vicious. If they say a Great White Shark, you tell them, "No, a Chinese Fighting Fish!" You can't even put two of those in the same bowl without them ripping each other to shreds. And what are Chinese Fighting Fish also known as, Bettas. Get it?
Now that you're a BETA Male, let's think about a BETA Male's lair. The last thing you want a girl to think when she enters your bedroom is "Sex," because then she will start thinking of her boyfriend and won't be focused on your friendship. I've taken it a step further and don't even have a bedroom. I live on my mom's couch. That screams non-threatening. Even if I wanted to, we couldn't have sex because my mom won't let my have company over after dark.
However, if you're not ready to give up your bedroom yet, make sure you have these items in your bedroom:
This poster hangs over my bed/couch.
1) Stars Wars comforter with Thundercats sheets (silk sheets are for date rapists) 2) Jumbo-sized box of Kleenex with Aloe (not only does it show you're sensitive, it's great for when she starts crying about her boyfriend cheating on her again) 3) Safety scissors (shows you're not dangerous while scrapbooking or making collages) 4) Ant farm (alpha males use cute animals to pick up girls, but not you!) 5) Massage Table (proves that you take massages seriously, not as a way to get girls in bed)
And the top item every JBFA needs to have is a poster of John Cryer portraying his signature character, Duckie from Pretty in Pink. This tells girls you'll be her friend always, even if she starts dating a stuck up asshole like Andrew McCarthy. Now, some people have pointed out to me that Duckie never got Molly Ringwald in that movie. That's true, but if you saw John Cryer's next film, Morgan Stewart's Coming Home, he has a girlfriend in it. See? Good things come to those who wait.
Okay, that's all have time for today, I have to go walk my friend Suzie's Labrador and wash the cum stains out of Virginia's sheets before her date tonight. But if you'd like more advice on how to be passive aggressive, how to be an emotional tampon, and how be her yoga partner without getting turned on, write me at JBFA22@yahoo.com.
Posts: 803 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 9/11/2007 1:17:01 PM
Casual Encounter:
Ex-rave DJ looking to relive husband of babysitter/molestation fantasy. Please have a Reynolds 'stache, bushy pubic hair, meaty grease-stained fingers, and a late model Trans Am. We'll make it an "Afternoon Delight", Starland Vocal Band style.
Chic in Zango ad pic (right column of page, just above "Phriendly Sites") has a nice rack.
What article?
"The telephone is ringing I say, "Hi, it's me. Who is it there on the line?" A voice says, "Hi, hello, how are you Well, I guess I'm doin' fine" He says, "It's three a.m., there's too much noise Don't you people ever wanna go to bed? Just 'cause you feel so good, do you have To drive me out of my head?"
Posts: 16 Rank: 184 Joined:
12/12/2006
Location:
Swilladelphia, PA
Posted: 9/11/2007 1:27:37 PM
Christine if you can travel to the shore for some summer lovin' you ought to be able to make it out to 'Nova for some autmn-lovin'. Travel in formal wear would be a pain though so I suppose you are off the hook. But if by some crazy reason you're in Conshy the night of the 22nd I hope you can drag your drunken ass over to the Mariot for some debauchery.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/11/2007 1:33:58 PM
I will go to jail or some shit. But AB's description of what I should do afterward just made me laugh really obnoxiously out loud.
I know I sound like I'm obsessing and I swear I'm done after this, but this is the email I just left Cute Boy:
{I got your voicemail and I changed my outgoing message to Mexican instead of Southern.
215-000-0000 is my number, you should call it....preferably on saturday.
I have to meet some friends for dinner. Then, I am going to see Interpol at the Tower. Then, I have to meet up with a bachelorette party. It will be a hellish night. Therefore, I think it's imperative that you call. Perhaps we could have a swing rematch.
Posts: 887 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 9/11/2007 1:34:13 PM
That's not the deal! I want Hunter holding a piece of paper that says it.
1-0 is the first step towards undefeated. AB, you're next!
Christine - I've been biking to work for about a week now, and while trekikng up the hill on my way home last night I thought of you, riding Harmony, and I thought, "This girl must have legs like fucking tree trunks." Either that or there are no hills in Philly. How far do you bike everyday? And for the record, my bike is named Cadillac and I wear a used motocross helmet.
Posts: 769 Rank: 17 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 9/11/2007 1:38:50 PM
There is a bird stomping law on the books in Philly BTW. My suggestion to you?
If you somehow get that man back to your spot, STOP TALKING! While you sit in that painful silence, both of you will go 'if only there was something we could together other than talk-'
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/11/2007 1:40:22 PM
My whole route into work is uphill, but its all downhill going home, kinda like my life.
I guess its about 6 miles each way. It doesn't take long at all. I'm usually home in less than 15 minutes. I have to ride fast as hell home, because cars will hit me and not care otherwise. Its nice in the morning though.
Its raining today though so I bussed it.
I have She-ra legs. they are very very long, but about as thick as the columns surrounding the coloseum.
Posts: 2047 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 9/11/2007 1:42:46 PM
Sorry, but I had to do it this way for a few reasons.
1) I lost the bet, not my son. 2) My son's innocence is more important to me than your happiness. 3) Do you really want an 8 year old boy 'queer' for you?....wait, you probably do. 4) I can take you in a knife fight. 5) I am dead sexy in a cowboy costume. Right?! 6) I really am queer for you. I came and saw your show last Saturday. I was right near the front. You didn't even notice. I love you, Daniel.
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