Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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Twas an era of women that carried themselves properly.
INTRODUCTION
I'll be quite honest; a lot of things tend to piss me off. If I were a complete douchebag, with an aspiration for needlessly wasting time and money, I'd probably go to anger management classes.
Making my blood boil this minute are certain members of the baby boomer generation (as well as some folks who are even a little older). It's not because of their driving or their rapid devouring of social security monies. It's because I was recently treated to my 464th "state of the world" address from a senior citizen in line at the grocery store. Let me tell you, according to the blue-hairs, we have turned this world into a gigantic cluster-fuck.
Newspaper headlines must have caught the attention of his enormously magnified eyes. He shook his fist when he talked as if he were ready to smack some bitches around the store.
"I can't believe the world today," he yammered. I just nodded. I would have nodded if he had told me that I had testicles hanging from my nose. I've learned to take their words lightly when they decide to rant.
"People have lost their way," he continued. I smiled and continued to nod. It was at this point that I began to count ceiling tiles. I heard something about the world ending and a disagreement about the price of ginger ale.
Everyone has heard this senseless rant (no, not the one about ginger ale). It's absolutely ridiculous. Bitching about people younger than you for "fucking up the world" is the wide scale equivalent of college students describing how lame the current high school seniors are at their former high school. It's pointless, retarded, and about as cool as a big bag of dicks.
While this annoying argument will continue on and on forever, I wanted to do my part to help. I decided to write you a form letter that you can send to any old asshole who tells you that "the world is going to hell these days." You can even sign your name on the bottom if you like. That's just the kind of guy I am… helpful and kind.
YOUR HANDY-DANDY FORM LETTER
Dear ___________________,
You are a stupid fucking ignorant bastard, whose limited education and exposure to lead paint must have stripped your mind of the ability to produce rational thought. I am writing in regards to the fact that you have insinuated that the world has gone "downhill" in recent times. This assertion proves that you are highly compatible for kissing my ass.
While an array of points can be made to prove that your opinion is downright retarded, I chose to state only two examples which help to exemplify your remarkable ability to forget history and speak from your ass. Why only two examples? It's because I have to get to a meeting soon with every person younger than you to figure out the most efficient way that we can fuck up the world more.
Twas an era of morals, manners, and respecting one another.
Let's move on and find out why you are jackass.
It is interesting that you consistently point out that mankind has lost its morals and that people have forgotten how to treat one another. I know the first thing that pops into my mind when I see old footage of a black dude getting blasted against a brick wall with a high-pressured fire-hose is how respectful it was of the cops to not use bullets. I know. He probably tried to use a drinking fountain other than the one labeled "colored." He should have been more respectful. Your generation really had a knack for treating people well. I really can't figure out how we let that slip and became the bastards we are today; shame on us.
I also thoroughly enjoy your ranting and raving about how women dress and behave these days, especially the famous ones. They are so "unladylike" and "promiscuous." They dress all "slutty" and are always checking in and out of rehab. It's not that I condone or rebuke their behavior. I can give a shit less, but it is very interesting to compare them with the top "icon" of your generation, Marilyn Monroe.
She's pretty much regarded as a cupcake-shitting angel. She's been dead for decades and everyone still talks about her. Elton John pounded away on the piano like it was Zac Efron bending down in front of him to pick up a penny and recorded a ballad celebrating Marilyn's life with "Candle in the Wind."
"Goodbye Norma Jean," he forcefully whined, as if someone stole his shiny sequined star-shaped sunglasses. It's like the chick took down Russia, cured cancer, and beat the heavily favored Colts in Super Bowl III.
I've seen people get teary-eyed during this fucking song. I admit that I even did once, because I forcefully wedged a screwdriver into my eardrum to escape hearing another verse.
Let's do a quick fact check about your "icon," Norma Jean, since she came from such a more dignified and respectable time period. I bet she is way different than the trash our society drools over these days.
Various sources state that Marilyn exhibited very erratic and difficult on-set behavior for her films, was chronically late, had numerous marriages and affairs, was heavily dependant on drugs, and was widely regarded in Hollywood as a "dumb blonde." That sure as fuck sounds pretty familiar, especially when you throw in the fact that she posed nude multiple times an supposedly died from a drug overdose.
If the internet existed in the 1950's, Marilyn would be seen riding a producer reverse cowgirl on TMZ. Don't get me wrong. Again, I can give a fuck less. She did what she felt like and took advantage of her fame. Still, what makes her so very different from the girls who do the same thing from our generation? I guess we just need to herd our "whores" into a time machine and send them back to the "good ole days." Then people can hang up paintings of them in their living rooms and write ballads about them.
Here's the bottom line, ass captain. Nothing about human nature has dramatically changed over the past 30, 40, or 50 years, except you. We were assholes then, we're assholes now. People have always been people. It may be late in life to accept this point, but it's just one more pill to swallow. Shut your fucking mouth and go back to driving twenty miles an hour under the speed limit. I need something else to bitch about.
Posts: 797 Rank: 17 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 9/18/2007 11:05:30 AM
They did stuff that everyone knows will get you sick/hurt, like smoking a pipe, except they didn't know they would get sick. You didn't know you would get lung cancer from smoking a pipe? Look what the tobacco did to the pipe! Now figure it out! Oh you worked with asbestos all day and you didn't wear a mask? When you were coughing up what looked like cabbage every night that was your body's way of saying 'get me the fuck out of here.'
And they made people famous even though they didn't do anything for years at a time, like Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando. When is the last time Elizabeth Taylor did anything except for her shitty perfume commercial? Oh White Diamonds brought you luck? You've had ten husbands and brain cancer you old bitch-
Had to go to Wal-Mart (7th realm of hell) the other day. I despise the place and it takes an act of god, or in this case lack of towels, to get me there. Before I even park some "lady" wearing an orange Geo Metro about hits me stealing my parking space. Okay. Get inside and have 8 items for checkout. Go to the express lane and there is this old woman in front of me with her cart literally spilling over. She's all of 80, has hair she's tried to color blonde but it's turned out a lovely shade of Ronald McDonald orange, and toenails painted so bright of a pink it would make a girly 2nd grader cringe. In her overstocked cart she has among other things: 2 HUGE bags of cat food more cotton balls than she will ever use in the rest of her life paint thinner (prob to be used with the cotton balls to get the pink shit off her toes) And my fav... 2 cases of Boone's Farm
Granny likes to drink. Clearly. And quality is no concern to her. I was so caught off guard by the 2 cases I wasn't as pissed off about waiting in line while she pays (slowly) for her 36 items in the 10 item or less lane. Guess she thinks it's age intitlement for her to use that lane....
Posts: 277 Rank: 26 Joined:
5/31/2007
Location:
Gilbert, AZ
Posted: 9/18/2007 11:12:22 AM
How does the classic codger line of "The world is going to hell in a hand basket" not get included here?
I really liked this article because I've had the same argument with random old people - relatives or perfect strangers - many of times. It's not a generational thing - it's the simple fact that ignorance is bliss. We're so overwhelmed with media outlets and websites that every negative story gets blown up 100 fold. Back in the day Dorothy, Arthur, Harriett, and Ester got 1/2 hour world news, 1/2 hour local news, and whatever their crappy local newspaper wrote. Now an love lorn astronaut who takes a roadie and shits their pants gets 24 hour coverage.
The world is constantly getting better. Just think - 40 years ago our government could manipulate the only three TV networks into thinking that a tiny, unknown country's political persuasion/leadership was the "lynchpin" to the United Fucking States of America's survival! We spent thousands of lives and billions of dollars without any real chance of "winning" nor any real media or local opposition for years.
Now with all the media outlets, websites, and informed populous- that will NEVER happen again!
Posts: 21 Rank: 92 Joined:
8/23/2007
Location:
Capital City, WA
Posted: 9/18/2007 11:12:45 AM
When Movies cost a Nickel When Had to walk 5 miles to school uphill. And when school was out the world had rotated so we had to walk uphill to get back home, and it was snowing by then. Now a days you got Prostitutes, I'll tell you who is a prostitute, America is, with all the immigrants and Foreigners. People don't even speak English. NO I don’t' want any chicken and Rice you Gook. I need a steak. But can you cut it up real small for me, I have trouble chewing with my dentures.
Posts: 300 Rank: 25 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 9/18/2007 11:13:27 AM
While it's generally agreed that old people need to shut up and watch CBS primetime, what are some things from back in the day (40's, 50's) that they had right?
1. Gregory Peck 2. Blatant Racism sans Repercussions 3. The Stay-At-Home Mom 4. Hand-drawn Cartoons 5. Traveling Freak Shows 6. Unregulated alcohol distribution
Posts: 2906 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/18/2007 11:19:03 AM
Smoking in the doctors office. smoking while pregnant drinking while pregnant drinking during work (openly) Butter butter butter Halston Skirts and MaryJanes
My nina Evita Said she was sorry when you checked out, but they could not find the large case of Maxi's you were looking for. And there will be a 3 day wait for the Massingil.
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