Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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Twas an era of women that carried themselves properly.
INTRODUCTION
I'll be quite honest; a lot of things tend to piss me off. If I were a complete douchebag, with an aspiration for needlessly wasting time and money, I'd probably go to anger management classes.
Making my blood boil this minute are certain members of the baby boomer generation (as well as some folks who are even a little older). It's not because of their driving or their rapid devouring of social security monies. It's because I was recently treated to my 464th "state of the world" address from a senior citizen in line at the grocery store. Let me tell you, according to the blue-hairs, we have turned this world into a gigantic cluster-fuck.
Newspaper headlines must have caught the attention of his enormously magnified eyes. He shook his fist when he talked as if he were ready to smack some bitches around the store.
"I can't believe the world today," he yammered. I just nodded. I would have nodded if he had told me that I had testicles hanging from my nose. I've learned to take their words lightly when they decide to rant.
"People have lost their way," he continued. I smiled and continued to nod. It was at this point that I began to count ceiling tiles. I heard something about the world ending and a disagreement about the price of ginger ale.
Everyone has heard this senseless rant (no, not the one about ginger ale). It's absolutely ridiculous. Bitching about people younger than you for "fucking up the world" is the wide scale equivalent of college students describing how lame the current high school seniors are at their former high school. It's pointless, retarded, and about as cool as a big bag of dicks.
While this annoying argument will continue on and on forever, I wanted to do my part to help. I decided to write you a form letter that you can send to any old asshole who tells you that "the world is going to hell these days." You can even sign your name on the bottom if you like. That's just the kind of guy I am… helpful and kind.
YOUR HANDY-DANDY FORM LETTER
Dear ___________________,
You are a stupid fucking ignorant bastard, whose limited education and exposure to lead paint must have stripped your mind of the ability to produce rational thought. I am writing in regards to the fact that you have insinuated that the world has gone "downhill" in recent times. This assertion proves that you are highly compatible for kissing my ass.
While an array of points can be made to prove that your opinion is downright retarded, I chose to state only two examples which help to exemplify your remarkable ability to forget history and speak from your ass. Why only two examples? It's because I have to get to a meeting soon with every person younger than you to figure out the most efficient way that we can fuck up the world more.
Twas an era of morals, manners, and respecting one another.
Let's move on and find out why you are jackass.
It is interesting that you consistently point out that mankind has lost its morals and that people have forgotten how to treat one another. I know the first thing that pops into my mind when I see old footage of a black dude getting blasted against a brick wall with a high-pressured fire-hose is how respectful it was of the cops to not use bullets. I know. He probably tried to use a drinking fountain other than the one labeled "colored." He should have been more respectful. Your generation really had a knack for treating people well. I really can't figure out how we let that slip and became the bastards we are today; shame on us.
I also thoroughly enjoy your ranting and raving about how women dress and behave these days, especially the famous ones. They are so "unladylike" and "promiscuous." They dress all "slutty" and are always checking in and out of rehab. It's not that I condone or rebuke their behavior. I can give a shit less, but it is very interesting to compare them with the top "icon" of your generation, Marilyn Monroe.
She's pretty much regarded as a cupcake-shitting angel. She's been dead for decades and everyone still talks about her. Elton John pounded away on the piano like it was Zac Efron bending down in front of him to pick up a penny and recorded a ballad celebrating Marilyn's life with "Candle in the Wind."
"Goodbye Norma Jean," he forcefully whined, as if someone stole his shiny sequined star-shaped sunglasses. It's like the chick took down Russia, cured cancer, and beat the heavily favored Colts in Super Bowl III.
I've seen people get teary-eyed during this fucking song. I admit that I even did once, because I forcefully wedged a screwdriver into my eardrum to escape hearing another verse.
Let's do a quick fact check about your "icon," Norma Jean, since she came from such a more dignified and respectable time period. I bet she is way different than the trash our society drools over these days.
Various sources state that Marilyn exhibited very erratic and difficult on-set behavior for her films, was chronically late, had numerous marriages and affairs, was heavily dependant on drugs, and was widely regarded in Hollywood as a "dumb blonde." That sure as fuck sounds pretty familiar, especially when you throw in the fact that she posed nude multiple times an supposedly died from a drug overdose.
If the internet existed in the 1950's, Marilyn would be seen riding a producer reverse cowgirl on TMZ. Don't get me wrong. Again, I can give a fuck less. She did what she felt like and took advantage of her fame. Still, what makes her so very different from the girls who do the same thing from our generation? I guess we just need to herd our "whores" into a time machine and send them back to the "good ole days." Then people can hang up paintings of them in their living rooms and write ballads about them.
Here's the bottom line, ass captain. Nothing about human nature has dramatically changed over the past 30, 40, or 50 years, except you. We were assholes then, we're assholes now. People have always been people. It may be late in life to accept this point, but it's just one more pill to swallow. Shut your fucking mouth and go back to driving twenty miles an hour under the speed limit. I need something else to bitch about.
women in the home (cannot be repeated enough) capitol punishment killed indians spanked their kids didn't name their kids shanequa, river, d'brickshaw...or any ridiculous fucking names.
Posts: 2906 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/18/2007 1:30:07 PM
Thank you so much. I am so excited about Talk like A Pirate day. I have just been on that website for a half hour me hearties and let me be the first to say that tomorrow is going to be a rare beauty indeed.
Posts: 2906 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/18/2007 1:32:55 PM
I am no welsher. All I have in my house is bottle of Miller lite and Ketchup so it will be one of those bottles. I just have to ask my roommate for her digital camera as I do not have one.
Posts: 214 Rank: 16 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Pasadena, CA
Posted: 9/18/2007 1:42:17 PM
1. fewer old people. (fuck you medical science) 2. heroin was sold over the counter 3. the Jews still ran the world (now we share with the asians)
improvements: 1. anesthesia (makes my job better) 2. GWAR 3. midget internet porn
christine, if life was like the old days, you would be at home, vacuuming, and waiting for hubby and the 3 monsters your uterus shot out to get home so that you could cook them dinner. i guess that faux-work and blue balling is far more rewarding
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