Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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OJ, you dumbfuck, you are now officially the least exciting person to make fun of on the face of god's green urinal. It's not so much the part of the story where you threatened and robbed that guy with your thugs. It's the fact that you stole a bunch of memorabilia that you signed. You stupid ego maniac. Even if the stuff was stolen from you, can't you just sign another jersey and sell that mother fucker on Ebay? Or are you planning to hang that shit on the mantle next to you bronzed baby shoes and the full length mirror? Wouldn't you rather be out killing white people? But personally I'm beginning to think there's no way you actually got away with murder. That crime was actually clever. Walking through the front door with a couple armed thugs and being the one to do all the talking in a city like Vegas that has cameras everywhere is about as smart as telling Randy Couture that you want to fist fuck both his daughters.
Just as soon as I had accepted how ridiculous OJ is, I see the footage of the over zealous questioner at a John Kerry rally. I'm honestly surprised that even more cops didn't rain down on this kid. I mean, anybody who has any question for John Kerry at this point is a complete psychopath worthy of a bone white business card with silian rail lettering. Maybe if you asked him how to make ketchup it might be relevant but asking him why he conceded the election so quickly should lead directly to an ass beating of epic proportion. But the cops waited until the kid got all the way to asking if Kerry was skull and bones in college. That's about as smart as when JFK asked Aristotle Onassis if he was illuminati. The best thing that can happen after that is hoping the guy will be nice enough to keep your wife warm after he has you clipped. This kid is lucky his question only yielded a beatdown, some public humiliation in front of a bunch of hot college girls and little mid afternoon tasering. Personally I just love that Kerry waited until the kid's skin was frying like a batch of scattered smothered and cover at a waffle house to start trying to answer his question? If you haven't seen it here is the video. The first one has all the audio of what the kid said. The second has the actual taser attack. But hey at least a crazy white kid messing with a US Senator still doesn't have it as bad as a black kid in Jena, Lousianna.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Jessica Alba in her underwear. Nuff Said. I never wanted to be a penguin so bad in my life. Dane Cook however can eat a dick. Not because he's a hackish comic just waiting for a chance to say Gargamel, or PacMan or knee socks, just to get a laugh from the fact that you were also alive in the 80's. No, I hate him because he's gotten to work with every hot chick named Jessica on the planet. But this slapstick cluster fuck is the worst excuse to get a Jessica in her drawers since Adam Sandler's last gay ass movie. But I'm a sucker, so I'll take it. Beggers can't be choosers.
Nigga please! Or maybe I should say cro-migga please, because for a show that is primarily based on racial humor, there is only like one brotha in the whole pilot. And he's the fucking hired help. But that doesn't make the show bad by any stretch of the imagination. What makes the show bad is that it basically rehashes the same fear of a black dick jokes that haven't been funny since Garrett Morris did them on SNL 30 years ago only with cavemen instead of black people. So if we can't get any brothers on the wall or in the show as the case may be, here's my idea for an episode. 6 caveman want to sit under a tree with the homo sapiens, but the tree is designated as a homo only tree with nooses hanging from it. So the cavemen whoop some ass to get a seat. Then they are convicted of attempted murder by an all homo sapien jury. The incident sets off a wave of Cro-Magnons beating in people's skulls with poorly fashioned clubs at protest rallies. But in the end it all works out fine because all the cro-mags have killer insurance.
Remember the good parts of Robocop? Yeah well take both of those out and replace them with all the shitty parts of Alias and you you've got the updated version of the sister show to the Six Million Dollar Man. I'm mean that is what you always wanted right? A remake of a spinoff of a boring show. Well, when Starbuck got a cap put in her ass in the opening segment I thought the show might actually be going somewhere, but not unlike the BSG universe she was alive and well 3 scenes later and driving a truck into our hermaphroditic hero. I only say that because the presence of a penis is about the only thing that could possibly justify the bionic woman's bone structure, deep voice or mustache. I'd let it slide if she could act or maybe get through a fight scene, but Limey actress Michelle Ryan has as much business being in a sexy action show as Dennis Kucinich has being in Aussie Thunder. Regardless, our hero gets fixed up against her will with some technobabble bits that would make Geordi LaForge's dilithium crystals blush. And then the story almost entirely disappears. If it weren't for a rainy rooftop fight scene with Katee "Apollo's sperm receptacle" Sackhoff and the bionic woman having a smoking hot little sister the show would have been over as soon as her boyfriend walked away from a six rollover crash and rebuilt his man-ish girltoy with his secret military midi-chlorians or whatever the fuck they were. I won't completely write this one off, because the dark tone and ambiguous direction of the plot could lead somewhere but I'd probably be smarter to just stick with Jack Bauer and the cheerleader with the self healing hymen for my action show needs. I wouldn't want to get all attached to another show like Blade just to see it turned into a straight to DVD movie a year later. I've had enough short lived "Twin Peaks", "Surface", "Max Headroom", "Automan", and "Invasion"s to last me a lifetime.
No jokes. It's just a good album. Last week I said that I had pretty much given up on music altogether, but a reader sent me an email begging me to listen to Aesop Rock latest so I did. To my surprise it's just fucking awesome. Normally I hate when people talk fast and try to sound important, especially if that person comes from the pretentious world of underground backpack rappers. I've heard Slug. I'm not impressed by Sage Francis. And Anti-pop Consortium will be great when they finally finish a beat one day. Even Aesop's partner in crime El-P bores me like that dude Mase that used to rap with Diddy. But something about this record works. First of all it's actually musical. The beats take me back to the days when I first heard 3 Feet High and Rising and Paul's Boutique and sampling was actually cool. Blockhead probably deserves most of the credit for producing the standout tracks Fumes, Bring Back Pluto and the title track, but even Aes manages to compel me to attempt to understand what he's jibber jabbing on about with the beat he drops for Catacomb Kids and Keep Off The Lawn. The beats are sometimes secondary to the cavalcade of conundrums spewing from Aesop's lips but put together this album has a life that Aesop only briefly hinted at with Nickel Plated Pockets. This is album is one of those rare OK Computer moments when you can actually hear an artist that has just truly come into their own with a timeless piece of work. Sadly, it's probably all down hill for Aesop from here, but if he dies in a fiery car crash tomorrow at least he will have left his best work behind.
1. Would you rather live in Jena Lousianna, get tasered or be OJ Simpson for a day and why?
2. Caption This
3. I know you all secretly watched the Gossip Girls premiere this week, but other than that what other shows are you looking forward to seeing this fall? If you say Beauty and the Geek then you have better taste than I thought.
Timmy's dad thinks for a second and says, "I am not sure Timmy, how old are you today?"
Timmy says, "Today is my birthday and I am six!"
Timmy triumphantly walks into the living room and finds his grandmother sitting in her chair.
"Grammy grammy! Guess how old I am today!"
Timmy's grandmother beckons him closer. She reaches down into his overalls and feels his balls for 3 minutes. Timmy's grandmother then says, "You're six."
Timmy says, "How did you know?"
Timmy's grandmother says, "I just heard you tell your father."
Posts: 214 Rank: 16 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Pasadena, CA
Posted: 9/21/2007 7:06:43 PM
but I will put up my answers to Napalm's q's without reading anyone else's
1. Tasered--at least you have a funny story to tell your friends later and they can do impressions of you losing continence. 2. Tasering is for pussies. 3. I already watched to premier of Beauty and the Geek. Looks to be the best season yet. I like any show where forks will eventually nail sluts.
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Jessica Alba in her underwear. Nuff Said. I never wanted to be a penguin so bad in my life. Dane Cook however can eat a dick. Not because he's a hackish comic just waiting for a chance to say Gargamel, or PacMan or knee socks, just to get a laugh from the fact that you were also alive in the 80's. No, I hate him because he's gotten to work with every hot chick named Jessica on the planet. But this slapstick cluster fuck is the worst excuse to get a Jessica in her drawers since Adam Sandler's last gay ass movie. But I'm a sucker, so I'll take it. Beggers can't be choosers.
Nigga please! Or maybe I should say cro-migga please, because for a show that is primarily based on racial humor, there is only like one brotha in the whole pilot. And he's the fucking hired help. But that doesn't make the show bad by any stretch of the imagination. What makes the show bad is that it basically rehashes the same fear of a black dick jokes that haven't been funny since Garrett Morris did them on SNL 30 years ago only with cavemen instead of black people. So if we can't get any brothers on the wall or in the show as the case may be, here's my idea for an episode. 6 caveman want to sit under a tree with the homo sapiens, but the tree is designated as a homo only tree with nooses hanging from it. So the cavemen whoop some ass to get a seat. Then they are convicted of attempted murder by an all homo sapien jury. The incident sets off a wave of Cro-Magnons beating in people's skulls with poorly fashioned clubs at protest rallies. But in the end it all works out fine because all the cro-mags have killer insurance.
Remember the good parts of Robocop? Yeah well take both of those out and replace them with all the shitty parts of Alias and you you've got the updated version of the sister show to the Six Million Dollar Man. I'm mean that is what you always wanted right? A remake of a spinoff of a boring show. Well, when Starbuck got a cap put in her ass in the opening segment I thought the show might actually be going somewhere, but not unlike the BSG universe she was alive and well 3 scenes later and driving a truck into our hermaphroditic hero. I only say that because the presence of a penis is about the only thing that could possibly justify the bionic woman's bone structure, deep voice or mustache. I'd let it slide if she could act or maybe get through a fight scene, but Limey actress Michelle Ryan has as much business being in a sexy action show as Dennis Kucinich has being in Aussie Thunder. Regardless, our hero gets fixed up against her will with some technobabble bits that would make Geordi LaForge's dilithium crystals blush. And then the story almost entirely disappears. If it weren't for a rainy rooftop fight scene with Katee "Apollo's sperm receptacle" Sackhoff and the bionic woman having a smoking hot little sister the show would have been over as soon as her boyfriend walked away from a six rollover crash and rebuilt his man-ish girltoy with his secret military midi-chlorians or whatever the fuck they were. I won't completely write this one off, because the dark tone and ambiguous direction of the plot could lead somewhere but I'd probably be smarter to just stick with Jack Bauer and the cheerleader with the self healing hymen for my action show needs. I wouldn't want to get all attached to another show like Blade just to see it turned into a straight to DVD movie a year later. I've had enough short lived "Twin Peaks", "Surface", "Max Headroom", "Automan", and "Invasion"s to last me a lifetime.
No jokes. It's just a good album. Last week I said that I had pretty much given up on music altogether, but a reader sent me an email begging me to listen to Aesop Rock latest so I did. To my surprise it's just fucking awesome. Normally I hate when people talk fast and try to sound important, especially if that person comes from the pretentious world of underground backpack rappers. I've heard Slug. I'm not impressed by Sage Francis. And Anti-pop Consortium will be great when they finally finish a beat one day. Even Aesop's partner in crime El-P bores me like that dude Mase that used to rap with Diddy. But something about this record works. First of all it's actually musical. The beats take me back to the days when I first heard 3 Feet High and Rising and Paul's Boutique and sampling was actually cool. Blockhead probably deserves most of the credit for producing the standout tracks Fumes, Bring Back Pluto and the title track, but even Aes manages to compel me to attempt to understand what he's jibber jabbing on about with the beat he drops for Catacomb Kids and Keep Off The Lawn. The beats are sometimes secondary to the cavalcade of conundrums spewing from Aesop's lips but put together this album has a life that Aesop only briefly hinted at with Nickel Plated Pockets. This is album is one of those rare OK Computer moments when you can actually hear an artist that has just truly come into their own with a timeless piece of work. Sadly, it's probably all down hill for Aesop from here, but if he dies in a fiery car crash tomorrow at least he will have left his best work behind. 
