Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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OJ, you dumbfuck, you are now officially the least exciting person to make fun of on the face of god's green urinal. It's not so much the part of the story where you threatened and robbed that guy with your thugs. It's the fact that you stole a bunch of memorabilia that you signed. You stupid ego maniac. Even if the stuff was stolen from you, can't you just sign another jersey and sell that mother fucker on Ebay? Or are you planning to hang that shit on the mantle next to you bronzed baby shoes and the full length mirror? Wouldn't you rather be out killing white people? But personally I'm beginning to think there's no way you actually got away with murder. That crime was actually clever. Walking through the front door with a couple armed thugs and being the one to do all the talking in a city like Vegas that has cameras everywhere is about as smart as telling Randy Couture that you want to fist fuck both his daughters.
Just as soon as I had accepted how ridiculous OJ is, I see the footage of the over zealous questioner at a John Kerry rally. I'm honestly surprised that even more cops didn't rain down on this kid. I mean, anybody who has any question for John Kerry at this point is a complete psychopath worthy of a bone white business card with silian rail lettering. Maybe if you asked him how to make ketchup it might be relevant but asking him why he conceded the election so quickly should lead directly to an ass beating of epic proportion. But the cops waited until the kid got all the way to asking if Kerry was skull and bones in college. That's about as smart as when JFK asked Aristotle Onassis if he was illuminati. The best thing that can happen after that is hoping the guy will be nice enough to keep your wife warm after he has you clipped. This kid is lucky his question only yielded a beatdown, some public humiliation in front of a bunch of hot college girls and little mid afternoon tasering. Personally I just love that Kerry waited until the kid's skin was frying like a batch of scattered smothered and cover at a waffle house to start trying to answer his question? If you haven't seen it here is the video. The first one has all the audio of what the kid said. The second has the actual taser attack. But hey at least a crazy white kid messing with a US Senator still doesn't have it as bad as a black kid in Jena, Lousianna.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Jessica Alba in her underwear. Nuff Said. I never wanted to be a penguin so bad in my life. Dane Cook however can eat a dick. Not because he's a hackish comic just waiting for a chance to say Gargamel, or PacMan or knee socks, just to get a laugh from the fact that you were also alive in the 80's. No, I hate him because he's gotten to work with every hot chick named Jessica on the planet. But this slapstick cluster fuck is the worst excuse to get a Jessica in her drawers since Adam Sandler's last gay ass movie. But I'm a sucker, so I'll take it. Beggers can't be choosers.
Nigga please! Or maybe I should say cro-migga please, because for a show that is primarily based on racial humor, there is only like one brotha in the whole pilot. And he's the fucking hired help. But that doesn't make the show bad by any stretch of the imagination. What makes the show bad is that it basically rehashes the same fear of a black dick jokes that haven't been funny since Garrett Morris did them on SNL 30 years ago only with cavemen instead of black people. So if we can't get any brothers on the wall or in the show as the case may be, here's my idea for an episode. 6 caveman want to sit under a tree with the homo sapiens, but the tree is designated as a homo only tree with nooses hanging from it. So the cavemen whoop some ass to get a seat. Then they are convicted of attempted murder by an all homo sapien jury. The incident sets off a wave of Cro-Magnons beating in people's skulls with poorly fashioned clubs at protest rallies. But in the end it all works out fine because all the cro-mags have killer insurance.
Remember the good parts of Robocop? Yeah well take both of those out and replace them with all the shitty parts of Alias and you you've got the updated version of the sister show to the Six Million Dollar Man. I'm mean that is what you always wanted right? A remake of a spinoff of a boring show. Well, when Starbuck got a cap put in her ass in the opening segment I thought the show might actually be going somewhere, but not unlike the BSG universe she was alive and well 3 scenes later and driving a truck into our hermaphroditic hero. I only say that because the presence of a penis is about the only thing that could possibly justify the bionic woman's bone structure, deep voice or mustache. I'd let it slide if she could act or maybe get through a fight scene, but Limey actress Michelle Ryan has as much business being in a sexy action show as Dennis Kucinich has being in Aussie Thunder. Regardless, our hero gets fixed up against her will with some technobabble bits that would make Geordi LaForge's dilithium crystals blush. And then the story almost entirely disappears. If it weren't for a rainy rooftop fight scene with Katee "Apollo's sperm receptacle" Sackhoff and the bionic woman having a smoking hot little sister the show would have been over as soon as her boyfriend walked away from a six rollover crash and rebuilt his man-ish girltoy with his secret military midi-chlorians or whatever the fuck they were. I won't completely write this one off, because the dark tone and ambiguous direction of the plot could lead somewhere but I'd probably be smarter to just stick with Jack Bauer and the cheerleader with the self healing hymen for my action show needs. I wouldn't want to get all attached to another show like Blade just to see it turned into a straight to DVD movie a year later. I've had enough short lived "Twin Peaks", "Surface", "Max Headroom", "Automan", and "Invasion"s to last me a lifetime.
No jokes. It's just a good album. Last week I said that I had pretty much given up on music altogether, but a reader sent me an email begging me to listen to Aesop Rock latest so I did. To my surprise it's just fucking awesome. Normally I hate when people talk fast and try to sound important, especially if that person comes from the pretentious world of underground backpack rappers. I've heard Slug. I'm not impressed by Sage Francis. And Anti-pop Consortium will be great when they finally finish a beat one day. Even Aesop's partner in crime El-P bores me like that dude Mase that used to rap with Diddy. But something about this record works. First of all it's actually musical. The beats take me back to the days when I first heard 3 Feet High and Rising and Paul's Boutique and sampling was actually cool. Blockhead probably deserves most of the credit for producing the standout tracks Fumes, Bring Back Pluto and the title track, but even Aes manages to compel me to attempt to understand what he's jibber jabbing on about with the beat he drops for Catacomb Kids and Keep Off The Lawn. The beats are sometimes secondary to the cavalcade of conundrums spewing from Aesop's lips but put together this album has a life that Aesop only briefly hinted at with Nickel Plated Pockets. This is album is one of those rare OK Computer moments when you can actually hear an artist that has just truly come into their own with a timeless piece of work. Sadly, it's probably all down hill for Aesop from here, but if he dies in a fiery car crash tomorrow at least he will have left his best work behind.
1. Would you rather live in Jena Lousianna, get tasered or be OJ Simpson for a day and why?
2. Caption This
3. I know you all secretly watched the Gossip Girls premiere this week, but other than that what other shows are you looking forward to seeing this fall? If you say Beauty and the Geek then you have better taste than I thought.
Balls - charging out the noose thing is a bit dicey, and I haven't looked at the specific statute down there, but they probably have some sort-of "hate crime" legislation (most states do), which would be the possible basis for a criminal charge. However, as you reference, that type of legislation has taken criticism because of it's potential encroachment on free speech. Likewise, that can make a charge hard to stick. One must also infer a terroristic threat from the symbolic act - to most people this seems pretty clear here, but defense attorneys have been pretty adept at throwing out some BS alternative intent/message/purpose that skirts (just) around the "hate crime" language/requirements, and manipulating dumb-ass juries into believing any doubt whatsoever equates to *reasonable* doubt and thus getting an acquittal (ironic that the poster child just this phenomenon is mentioned in this article).
Since you were MIA yesterday (as was I), you need to go back to JDL's article - "Ohio Sellouts" and check out Comment 236.
1. I think I'd like to live in Jena for a day. I'd make a fortune selling "I'm With Stupid" t-shirts and snowcones. LIME snowcones.
2. "You better compliment my rack, Tom A!"
3. The Office. Sunny in Philly (was looking forward to premiere, it's started up already). Nip/Tuck (god, I'm a fucking idiot).
Provide the set-up to this punch line:
"You better stand back - I don't know how big this thing gets...!"
Posts: 17 Rank: 1984 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Cracklanta, GA
Posted: 9/21/2007 11:26:01 AM
1. I actually grew up 20 miles southwest of Jena, LA, so I've got you all beat on that one. I don't remember race relations being bad back then, but who knows.
It wasn't that bad living there, but hey, I'm white.
2. "God wouldn't give me a penis, so this will have to do. Get ready for Hell, motherfuckers."
3. Kitchen Nightmares. The BBC version was good, for a Brit show, but the new version will be all "Fox-ed up" and confrontational enough to hold the American attention span longer than 12 seconds.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 9/21/2007 11:40:01 AM
I could see how one could argue the nooses were a direct threat of physical harm to someone, but as you said it's probably not too hard to interject some doubt into a jury's mind reagarding that.
And Christine's rap was off the higgity for shiggity. Made my pants moist.
And Tom A nailed it with "Always Sunny in Philadelphia" That shit hilarious. Anyone on here that doesn't watch it should definitely start. it's right up your alley.
Posts: 2891 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/21/2007 11:49:32 AM
Thanks balls and Thomas.
I didn't catch last night's episodes yet, but Its always Sunny is fucking hilarious. Definitely one of my favorites.
Also, not to beat a dead horse (not you annebelle), but CuteBoy called me last night. Stated he just got his phone back, it was broke. This is not a lie cause I saw it at my house and it the front was smashed. however, he called at almost 1am which is booty call territory. long story short: I am going to the concert with him and two other guys. one of the guys is gonna take my other ticket so crisis is adverted.
Posts: 2088 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 9/21/2007 11:49:48 AM
....fucking rules.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=RSJGro_iZPs
Yup, it's payday today and I am already down to $54.00 in my account. Can't wait for that raise to kick in. Anyone know any good tricks to stealing gas?
Posts: 297 Rank: 25 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 9/21/2007 11:51:59 AM
Is the name I foresee you naming your Thai love spawn... Damn right on the Aesop.
1.) I'd rather live in Jena, Louisiana, not because of all the boner-popping racial tension, but because Louisiana's state laws and court systems aren't like those in the rest of the U.S., for it's modeled after a combination of the French/English systems. This means jack shit, but I like to think I'm smart once in a while. I'm sure more people than my mom think I'm smart/cool...
2.) "...and I told him for the last time, 'this sign by my door reads 'no solicit' you popcorn-peddling pussies', and now you know the rest of the story."
"Thank you for your testimony, Mr. Harvey. That will be all."
3.)"Flavor of Love", Ken Burn's "The War", and "South Park". I'm a sucker for smarmy cartoons, WWII, and uneducated black bitches with huge tits...
Side story: Last night, I got super drunk, and somehow ended with 11 lawn chairs, two plastic tables, and a BDubs' chair in my house. And I guess I made out with some girl at my brother's apartment and stole a case of beer from one of his friends that passed out on the couch. Overall, a solid night.
Posts: 1153 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 9/21/2007 11:52:54 AM
Did anyone ever entertain the possibilty that these nice young white gentlemen are just really into halloween and put up the noose as an early decoration?
Shartan is 34 years old Tom A is also a year older-undisclosed-and is MN's Ralph Nader Christine is great at blowing Dr. Pepper 20 oz bottles, jury still out on real cock though My dog's name is Laver A fag is in 1st place in our fantasy football league BigNick (JuniorMint) had great legs in 1999 TMan has gotten slightly dooced AB is very threatened by Tom A
"Put your hands on the heat! Put your hands on the heat! Come on baby let's go!!!!!!!!!"
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Jessica Alba in her underwear. Nuff Said. I never wanted to be a penguin so bad in my life. Dane Cook however can eat a dick. Not because he's a hackish comic just waiting for a chance to say Gargamel, or PacMan or knee socks, just to get a laugh from the fact that you were also alive in the 80's. No, I hate him because he's gotten to work with every hot chick named Jessica on the planet. But this slapstick cluster fuck is the worst excuse to get a Jessica in her drawers since Adam Sandler's last gay ass movie. But I'm a sucker, so I'll take it. Beggers can't be choosers.
Nigga please! Or maybe I should say cro-migga please, because for a show that is primarily based on racial humor, there is only like one brotha in the whole pilot. And he's the fucking hired help. But that doesn't make the show bad by any stretch of the imagination. What makes the show bad is that it basically rehashes the same fear of a black dick jokes that haven't been funny since Garrett Morris did them on SNL 30 years ago only with cavemen instead of black people. So if we can't get any brothers on the wall or in the show as the case may be, here's my idea for an episode. 6 caveman want to sit under a tree with the homo sapiens, but the tree is designated as a homo only tree with nooses hanging from it. So the cavemen whoop some ass to get a seat. Then they are convicted of attempted murder by an all homo sapien jury. The incident sets off a wave of Cro-Magnons beating in people's skulls with poorly fashioned clubs at protest rallies. But in the end it all works out fine because all the cro-mags have killer insurance.
Remember the good parts of Robocop? Yeah well take both of those out and replace them with all the shitty parts of Alias and you you've got the updated version of the sister show to the Six Million Dollar Man. I'm mean that is what you always wanted right? A remake of a spinoff of a boring show. Well, when Starbuck got a cap put in her ass in the opening segment I thought the show might actually be going somewhere, but not unlike the BSG universe she was alive and well 3 scenes later and driving a truck into our hermaphroditic hero. I only say that because the presence of a penis is about the only thing that could possibly justify the bionic woman's bone structure, deep voice or mustache. I'd let it slide if she could act or maybe get through a fight scene, but Limey actress Michelle Ryan has as much business being in a sexy action show as Dennis Kucinich has being in Aussie Thunder. Regardless, our hero gets fixed up against her will with some technobabble bits that would make Geordi LaForge's dilithium crystals blush. And then the story almost entirely disappears. If it weren't for a rainy rooftop fight scene with Katee "Apollo's sperm receptacle" Sackhoff and the bionic woman having a smoking hot little sister the show would have been over as soon as her boyfriend walked away from a six rollover crash and rebuilt his man-ish girltoy with his secret military midi-chlorians or whatever the fuck they were. I won't completely write this one off, because the dark tone and ambiguous direction of the plot could lead somewhere but I'd probably be smarter to just stick with Jack Bauer and the cheerleader with the self healing hymen for my action show needs. I wouldn't want to get all attached to another show like Blade just to see it turned into a straight to DVD movie a year later. I've had enough short lived "Twin Peaks", "Surface", "Max Headroom", "Automan", and "Invasion"s to last me a lifetime.
No jokes. It's just a good album. Last week I said that I had pretty much given up on music altogether, but a reader sent me an email begging me to listen to Aesop Rock latest so I did. To my surprise it's just fucking awesome. Normally I hate when people talk fast and try to sound important, especially if that person comes from the pretentious world of underground backpack rappers. I've heard Slug. I'm not impressed by Sage Francis. And Anti-pop Consortium will be great when they finally finish a beat one day. Even Aesop's partner in crime El-P bores me like that dude Mase that used to rap with Diddy. But something about this record works. First of all it's actually musical. The beats take me back to the days when I first heard 3 Feet High and Rising and Paul's Boutique and sampling was actually cool. Blockhead probably deserves most of the credit for producing the standout tracks Fumes, Bring Back Pluto and the title track, but even Aes manages to compel me to attempt to understand what he's jibber jabbing on about with the beat he drops for Catacomb Kids and Keep Off The Lawn. The beats are sometimes secondary to the cavalcade of conundrums spewing from Aesop's lips but put together this album has a life that Aesop only briefly hinted at with Nickel Plated Pockets. This is album is one of those rare OK Computer moments when you can actually hear an artist that has just truly come into their own with a timeless piece of work. Sadly, it's probably all down hill for Aesop from here, but if he dies in a fiery car crash tomorrow at least he will have left his best work behind. 
