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Hot LDS on LDS Action!
The following essay contains material not suited for younger readers. On the other hand, if your emotional age is over 17, this will probably seem childish. Comedy truly is the razor´s edge.
Get ready people, you are about to embark on one of the most erotic adventures of your life. Very soon you will be coming across passages with words like "zipper," "undergarments," and even "crotch." Draw the curtains, turn off the phone, lock the door, and grab a mop and bucket for the clean-up because you are in for the ride of your life. This essay is going to make all of that internet porn you've been downloading look as boring and as mild as a visit from a couple of Mormon missionaries. All you have to do is drop your pants, sit back, and keep reading. Please ask the Mormon kids to leave at this time unless they are wearing approved safety goggles.
What makes my essay so radically different is that I´m not afraid to go out on a limb, to swim upstream, to take the path not taken, to explore virgin territory, if you´ll pardon the pun. Because of my unfashionable stance on this issue I have been the target of violent demonstrations around the world. I know that I am a rebel, an anarchist, and a lone wolf, but I have never sought popularity. I don´t care if I am criticized for taking this position but here it is: I happen to like women´s breasts. There, I said it. And furthermore, I am also a fan of the larger variety of these female organs. Go ahead and insult me for taking this heroic and daring position; I'm sure that I have been called worse things by better men. Not only do I enjoy boobs on a physical level but I plan on writing about them in this essay. If you are sickened by the prospect of reading an article which may contain two, or even three female breasts, then perhaps this isn't the essay for you.
I cannot yet go into explicit detail as to the content of this essay; we must first weed out all of the minors and adults who aren't ready for such raunchy, no-holds-barred depictions of human desire. Without offending the kids and the prudes who have not clicked off this page thus far, let me just say that I will be using a lot of obscene vocabulary in my descriptions, a lot of words that rhyme with "icky," if you know what I mean, and I know that you do.
This essay will contain young girls, girls so young that they are "barely legal" as they say. In fact, not only am I employing girls who only just turned 18 today, but I am writing this essay on an airplane that is racing at the speed of sound towards the international dateline, which, if we cross it, will render these birthday girls illegal. Give back the party favors, girls, I may be going to jail. In the top left corner of this page there is a Global Positioning System link to my private jet. Legal? Illegal? It´s too close to call at this stage. Perhaps we will cross the dateline and then go back. Legal territory, illegal territory, in, out, in, out, in, out, all day long. Would that still be some sort of crime? Even over international waters? If it isn't, it should be. Use the GPS tracking icon provided as a further visual aid in your quest for a partner-free orgasm.
This is difficult to appreciate over the internet, but I didn´t write this essay on a computer. I used a tube of lipstick and a well-worn, silk G-string--a girl's G-string, wise-ass. Granted, I had to retype the thing on my computer because my handwriting is terrible and the panties were really, really small, but that shouldn't lessen the heat for the readers.
As a matter of fact, you won't even have to read the essay. It will be read to you by a woman whose voice is so sexy that she makes Mae West's signature, "Why don't you come on up and see me sometime," sound like a squawking parrot. You will practically be able to feel her breathing on you. We mean on a medically-approved erogenous zone, not there. What is wrong with you, you sick fuck? But hey, whatever works for you, I suppose. There are no inhibitions contained in this essay. Anything goes, and when I say anything, I mean anything! Except whatever the hell it is you are doing right now. Please stop that.
Notice: This essay has been discontinued per order of the Morals and Decency Division of Interpol. The author has been placed under arrest after a spirited chase through the red light district of Amsterdam in which the suspect was clad in only a towel and high heels.
Readers are advised to remove all traces of this essay from their computers. And wipe off your monitor; once that stuff dries it's impossible to get off.
Posts: 887 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 10/3/2007 1:21:27 PM
Aight, all you pasty face ass crackas better check dat fuckin profile, so you can see some pics of da most grimey ass nigga dat eva graced deez boards. Filf, yo ass is paid.
Posts: 2856 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 10/3/2007 1:25:30 PM
Oh, we saw them. In fact you were much of the discussion on yesterday's Juan article. I suggest you go back and read the comments. we all love you so much.
Posts: 2856 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 10/3/2007 1:34:42 PM
My favorite articles ever are napalm's every other week, but if I had to just pick an article that I remember laughing uncontrollably while reading, it would have to be Juan's first IM article with he-man. there were seriously times when my eyes watered from laughing so hard.
I do believe Steve Kiley had a bunch that made me nearly piss myself, but I can't remember off hand.
Posts: 2856 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 10/3/2007 1:46:21 PM
Tman, you're that new? I just realized that. wow. not even one year here yet. See, that's how much we like you, we thought you were around way longer. You're newer than spartan! that's crazy.
Oh and the gay/straight left/right column article was hilarious as well. Most of the staff articles are great.
Posts: 1054 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 10/3/2007 1:53:57 PM
i'll have to say rob sanfords article that reads as a divorce petition... at the end of the article the guy, wasted off his face, empties a pistol at his naked wife (missing) and is kicking firelogs at her (after painting the #11 on her) all because a missed janikowski FG cost him 3 hundo in a bet.
Posts: 887 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 10/3/2007 2:01:24 PM
Just caught up with the morning conversation, and I'm glad I did good. To clarify a few questions about the pics: 1) I told her the honest to god truth. I told her I lost a fantasy football bet and had to use the pics on this website for a week. After she took them (laughing throughout the whole process) she even logged in on here and uploaded them for me. 2) The movies behind me are: The Office: Season 3 Big Lebowski Sean of the Dead Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind The Jerk and Little Miss Sunshine 3) Christine - the pic you can take for me is of you next to an asian with a sign that reads "sleepyhead" and then has an arrow pointing to them. Bonus points if they're giving the peace sign.
TMan, we play this week, so what's the wager? I say that if I win (not likely considering I don't have a QB yet) you take a pic of your baby sitting next to a pile of sugar/flour like it's his stash.
I'm going with either "This Gangbang Is So Awkward" or "Having Huge Penis Not So Great". Both absolutely hysterical. Hagges has knocked some out of the park too, and Napalm and Fath are both the most consistent.
Striped Shirt is what got me introduced to the site, and I've never been the same.
Posts: 2060 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 10/3/2007 2:09:41 PM
Definately "This Gangbang..." is my favorite. I heard about this site one morning while listening to Ralph Garmond (sp?) on KROQ talk about the Striped Shirt book. He read a few exerpts from it and I immediately logged in here when I got into the office. The rest is history.
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