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High-Def Disaster
They told me it was a good idea. They told me in high-def the porn would be so crystal clear it would be like Jenna Haze herself was being gaped on the floor right in front of me. They told me I would make millions.
What a steaming pool of runny ass juice.
Within the first minute after I got a look at the first scene I knew the $500,000 I'd spent to bankroll the Krystal Klear operation was all but gone. She was a pretty girl, certainly jerk-worthy, but where this particular disillusioned late teen once looked like a juicy young princess, suddenly every imperfection on her little body became painfully obvious.
Fuck, you could see the tiny white particles suspended in the yellowish goop of a coke booger when she looked up at the camera.
The zits on her ass, which we've all gotten used to on women over time, suddenly appeared so clear that you could tell how old they were, and see which ones might burst under the friction of multiple thrusting cocks.
It's a terrible turn of events. I am now officially flat broke, in an industry where even the dumbest, fattest sacks of shit seem to make millions on the backs of grainy hand-held cameras and pudgy post-teens.
The way Herschel should be seen
But I suppose I have no one to blame but myself, really. After all, there's nothing quite like those multi-angle DVDs which give the front and rear shots at the same time, the latter of which exposes multiple dingleberries dangling from Herschel Savage's ass hair.
It's an image that's permanently engrained in my brain, making it hard for me to comprehend how I couldn't see this disaster coming.
What a moron I am. Like, sure, the sports nuts of the world gobble up high-def programming like so many plates of chicken wings, but apparently beer-guzzling frat boys with flat screens in their house dens don't like the look of sweat glistening in the stubble-filled armpits of the spuzz-glazed amateurs they circle-jerk to nightly.
Which brings me to perhaps the greatest of all high-def porn pitfalls -the semen resolution. Perhaps I could have and should have predicted a lot of the above issues, but there was no way I could have seen coming what I saw when Peter North produced one of his patented bukake blasts.
They say that a high-protein diet is essential to maximizing the size of one's cum shots, and as it happened the individual proteins that made the man and his nine-inch member such heroes were almost individually visible on my 42-inch Sony Bravia.
Frat rooms sit empty
It was as if, suddenly, I came to know exactly what those rappers mean when they say they make girls "swallow my babies."
And now it's over.
Hi-def porn, Blu-Ray porn, they're all out the window, because they overlook one essential truth: people watch porn to escape the pungent realities of their typically-disappointing sex lives. The last thing they want to see with their dick in hand is moisture bubbles building up and popping on a shit-smeared condom.
Posts: 698 Rank: 18 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 10/8/2007 12:39:56 PM
I've had six rib injuries playing football. I have found no solutions that work. The important thing is that you didn't drop the ball and didn't go down.
Ava Devine is so filthy/intense she sort of scares me, sort of mesmerizes me.
I'm scared to think of what happened to Toque. This is like when the Eagle played the Broncos and we hung 50 points on them and everyone around here had no rap for me for a while.
Posts: 850 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 10/8/2007 12:53:50 PM
I'm out of here. I'm actually filming something today for msn.com. I'll let you know when it's up. While I'm gone, try to see if you can get these boards up and running.
As promised, there is photographic evidence of my Friday night. Ally in charge of the camera and she's supposed to email them to me sometime today while she's at work. I'm about to call and harass her for them.
Somehow I managed to get drunk off my ass. Well, it didn't actually fully hit until I stood up to leave. Or maybe it was onset by the total of my bar tab....
Posts: 568 Rank: 21 Joined:
12/8/2006
Location:
north babylon, NY
Posted: 10/8/2007 1:38:04 PM
The league I play in is 6 on 6 and everybody is eligible including the center. I play right half back which is more like a tight end position. I block and I also go out for passes. On this particular play i was blocking and the quarterback rolled out to the right so i realesed and gave him drag option over the middle. He hit me in stride, but unfortunately, so did the safety. We actually could use a QB. We have a really good one but he got cheap shoted a few times Saturday and lost his cool. He flipped on the ref's and got tossed from the game and the park. I had to grab him or I think he would have gone Bonaduce on the ref. Needless to say, I think he's probably gonna get tossed from league.
DC, I forced back about 4 sneezes yesterday. I don't even want to imagine that happening.
Filth, not only did i hold on and stay up but I managed to talk some shit to the kid afterwards. I told him to "Get that pussy shit out of here." Meanwhile, I had the wind completely knocked out of me. But you can't ever let them know they got you good.
Posts: 698 Rank: 18 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 10/8/2007 1:43:20 PM
We're on the same page. I was a running back when I tore my leg up. I got tackled from behind and my foot was caught underneath me. Everyone heard a snap and then a crunch as the soft tissue from the bottom of my toes to halfway up my shin tore. I never fumbled. I stayed in a ball for about two minutes to get used to the pain, got up on my own, walked back to the huddle, lined up in the I formation and glared at the defense. That was the moment when my normal intimdation factor went to another level.
Of course after the physical therapy, the casts, the year on a cane, and etc, I ended up being a lineman.
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