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The turbulence was awful! Airbags were falling from their cubbyholes and I was pretty sure I was gonna die. Just as I was reaching for what I thought was a life giving bag of oxygen the guy next to me slams my head into the armrest. Then he grabs all three masks and says, "Fuck you man! I'm Ralph Fucking Garman and those masks are mine! I'm a God dammed celebrity, you know! I was Derrick Newcastle! I'm on the fucking radio, you stupid shit! If you ever disrespect me again I'll shank you with a plastic spoon." Just then, as the plane was going down in a fiery ball of jet fuel, Cameron Diaz, dressed as a flight attendant walks up to me and begins nursing my wounds by licking them.
Of course 10 minutes later I woke up with my cat licking my armpit, but it was then that I realized that if I didn't find a way to show Ralph Garman some respect, my next plane flight would be my last. I panicked. I knew Ralph had been on the Family Guy and the Joe Schmo show, but that didn't help me. I had heard that he was shooting a movie with Rene Russo, but she stopped taking my calls years ago. Then I realized I could just email him at the "World Famous Kay Rock" (KROQ) where he is a regular on the Kevin and Bean morning show. I told him I did not want to die in an awful plane crash deprived of oxygen and stabbed with plastic, and begged for an interview. Surprisingly he agreed, and the following is what he had to say.
The Phat Phree: Right off the bat I have to ask you, is there something wrong with Paula Abdul?
RALPH: Dude. This season has been so much more enjoyable since Paula has started drinking heavily before the show. Seriously, she acts exactly like a drunk sorority girl at a frat party. She's climbing all over Simon, gushing all over every lame karaoke singer they parade in front of her, it's awesome. This season she actually slurred, "You did great .... I'm so poud of you ..." That's no typo. She said "poud" instead of "proud". TV magic.
TPP:So Ralph, how is it possible that no one knows who you are? You've been on Days Of Our Lives, Charmed, NYPD Blue, the Family Guy, and even starred in your own reality show, The Joe Schmo Show, for two seasons. You are on the radio here in Los Angeles everyday, yet when I dropped your name at the front door of the Playboy Mansion they wouldn't let us in. Is there anything we can do to help?
RALPH: Hey, I worked for PLAYBOY TV, and even I can't get into Hef's C-level parties. But, meanwhile, Pauly Shore is getting deep-throated in the freakin' Grotto. There's no justice. Of course, I'd like to be better known, because that means you work more, but I really have no complaints. I work a lot, and the steady radio gig lets me pick and choose what else I want to do TV and film-wise, so I'm a lucky son-of-a-bitch. I've got friends much more talented than me who are still trying to get their SAG cards. Besides, America makes a lot of assholes famous. I mean, Ryan Seacrest is famous, but I wouldn't be him for all the hookers and blow in Vegas.
Garman pretending to do some work at KROQ
TPP: Speaking of lame people like Seacrest, you do the showbiz report everyday on KROQ. Where do you get all that info and what makes you qualified for the job?
RALPH: I steal all of the entertainment news I report from other sources. Websites, newspapers, tabloids. I have absolutely NO journalistic qualifications whatsoever. Which, of course, puts me right up there with every other "entertainment reporter" in America. I mean, come on, the guy from Sugar Ray is an anchor on an entertainment news show, for God's sake. Actually, I make no attempts at actual journalism on the radio show. It's just a chance for me to make fun of celebrities, which I'd be doing at home, anyway.
TPP:Could the Kevin And Bean show on KROQ be funnier if it was the Ralph Garman Show featuring Kevin and Bean. Or better yet The Ralph Show featuring Kevin Bacon?
RALPH: Yes, more of me is always funnier. In fact, I suggest the radio station be renamed K-RALF. As for Bacon, we will never work together again. He never gave me any credit for playing his invisible self in HOLLOW MAN.
TPP:Since you're around KROQ everyday what's worse, whiny emo or angry new metal?
RALPH: Whiny metal. Actually, remember "rap/rock"? Limp Bizkit? My God, did that musical phase blow. I'm so burned out on KROQ's music I really can't listen to any of it anymore.
TPP:So what kind of music can you bear listening to now?
RALPH: In my car CD player right now is the soundtrack to THE RUTLES: ALL YOU NEED IS CASH, Eric Idle's Beatles movie spoof. If you've never seen it, go get it now ... seriously ... I mean it ... Close this website and go Amazon.com and buy it. Buy two. It's one of my favorite DVDs ever. Simply hilarious. I like them more than the real Beatles now.
TPP:So what's the funniest thing that has ever happened to you in radio?
RALPH: I once called French President Jacques Chirac as Jerry Lewis, fully expecting to be hung up on. They put me through to him. I crapped my pants. I ended up having an 8-minute conversation with him about the situation in Iraq ... as Jerry Lewis. It was surreal and there was all kinds of legal backlash. Jerry Lewis sued. He said it damaged his standing in the international community. Can you believe that?! Do world leaders everywhere have a "red phone" with Jerry on the other end? That's the funniest thing he's said in the past 20 years.
TPP:You're also making quite a name for yourself with voice work. You've played famous characters in several episodes of Family Guy including Dustin Hoffman, Ted Turner, Paul Simon and Jeff Foxworthy that were all pretty funny in addition to the stuff from the radio show. Can you do one of your better impressions for us here?
RALPH: Hey lady! With the hay and the ho, and the niceness with please ... be good happy pretty person having ... kindness ... no ... with the hitting. That's my Jerry Lewis. Now you can see why Chirac was fooled. Now, Jerry will probably sue you guys, too.
TPP: The message board dedicated to you on IMDB.com has several posts from lady fans that seem to think you're quite the stud. Tgarcia-1 writes "Ralph is probably the sexiest guy on TV & Radio, but his TV gigs unfortunately never depict his sexy side." I guess you're lucky not to have a face for radio. So my real question is how can you possibly keep all the ladies satisfied, and did you post this comment yourself under a fake name?
RALPH: I suspect that comment was made by my Mom. When I was growing up, the sexual tension between us was unbearable. As far as women are concerned, fame is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Even the miniscule amount of notoriety that I have achieved, has opened up scads of opportunities for sexual adventures. I recommend getting as famous as you can to all men. It's why Mick Jagger can look as wrinkled as a Shar-Pei and still bang supermodels.
TPP:Speaking of you TV gigs, what was it like being on Talk Soup? Oh wait that was John Henson. But has he ever told you what it was like hosting Talk Soup?
RALPH: I actually know John. He's a good guy and always makes me laugh. The sweetest thing in the world for me was, after years of people asking me, "Aren't you the guy from TALK SOUP?", people started going up to John and saying they loved JOE SCHMO. Revenge kicks ass.
TPP:For those who haven't seen Ralph's finest work, the DVD for The Joe Schmo Show season one is out. If you're a fan of comedy, it's definitely the reality show you should drop into your Netflix queue. Ralph, tell us a little about Joe Schmo and your "Smarmy Host" character.
RALPH: We were lucky in the sense that we were the very first reality/hoax/comedy hybrid show, so I had free rein when it came to creating my "Host Guy". For those of you who missed it, JOE SCHMO was a fake reality show populated with improv actors who played all the stereotypical contestants. However, one guy from Pittsburgh, was a real guy, who thought he was on a real show, and we captured all his reactions to the manufactured insanity with around the clock cameras. It was an awesome show, really. I'm incredibly proud of it. Especially after watching all the MY BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS FILL-IN-THE-BLANKS that followed. And the "mark", Matt Kennedy Gould, was the best TV character that no one ever wrote. As for my character, I just basically did a Jeff Probst impression for all the best parts, and did that Chris guy from THE BACHELOR when I wanted to be bad. For my "off camera" Hollywood asshole persona, I drew from every no-talent prima donna I ever knew.
Hands on High-Priced Hooker (photo: SpikeTV)
TPP:How did you get through the very first "Reality" game on Schmo 1, "Hand's On a High Priced Hooker", with out completely losing it?
RALPH: Fear. If anybody slipped up and let this guy in on the fact that this was a gag, the show was over and the producers would've pulled the plug. Especially in the beginning. And that would've meant no check for me. So, greed and fear kept me focused. Oh, and crack.
TPP:Other than Schmo, what reality TV shows do YOU watch and why?
RALPH: SURVIVOR sucks me in every God damned time. That show's genius. And I think a large part is that Jeff Probst is the best host in TV history period. He can make a hangnail dramatic. And he's dreamy, too. And, as I mentioned earlier, "Drunk Paula" makes AMERICAN IDOL a must-see this year. And I watched INVASION IOWA because my boys who created JOE SCHMO were behind it. That, and the fact Shatner is God.
TPP: Did Robert Blake Do it?
RALPH: No way. He's not smart or sane enough not to get caught. But, he certainly could've gotten somebody else to do it. I'm guessing one of the surviving cast members of DIFFER'NT STROKES. Probably Charlotte Rae.
TPP:You were the only cast member to be asked back for the second season of Schmo, but our favorite "Smarmy Host" was gone and replaced by Derrick Newcastle "the Pompous British Host". Was it more fun doing a cross of Alex Tribek with Regis Philbin and Benny Hill the second time around?
RALPH: I admit, I was jealous of my friends on JS#1 who got to play gay Cubans, or Puck-esque assholes, so when they called me for #2, I told them I wanted to go as far as I could with a "character". That's what they wanted, too, because we wanted to do what we could to make sure that the "marks" didn't recognize me, just in case they saw JS#1. So, I dyed my hair blond, grew a goatee, added fake teeth, blue contacts, and a British accent. I don't think I would've done it otherwise because I didn't really want to try to repeat myself. I was so happy with the first show, I did want to diminish it.
Garman as Newcastle on Joe Schmo 2 (photo: SpikeTV)
TPP:Please explain to our readers the "Porked in Beans" story line and the "Pearl Necklace Evictions". No one who hasn't seen the show will believe me if I say it.
RALPH: We stole a lot from real reality shows for both SCHMOS. In one of THE BACHELORS or JOE MILLIONAIRE (I forget which), it was leaked to the press that one of the girls had made a "fetish" sex video where she was tied up and tickled or some shit. So, we had one of our JS#2 girls have a "food fetish" video in her past where she was wearing a bikini, and laying in a tub filled with pork and beans. It was oddly arousing. Also, in JS#2, instead of our "bachelor" giving out roses, he offered "pearl necklaces" to the girls that we wanted to keep in the game. To hear women begging for a "pearl necklace" was great, in a retarded adolescent sorta way.
TPP:What was your favorite outrageous plotline?
RALPH: My favorite part of JS#2 was working with the insane hawk that played our trained falcon, Montecore (named after the tiger that almost killed Roy). He was the best straight man I ever had.
TPP:You obviously had to come up with a lot of things on your own to keep things rolling as "The Host". Was it tough to get through bits without a full script?
RALPH: The improv was the easiest part of the gig. It was reading all the "necessary" copy, the rules of games, the prizes, the boilerplate ins and outs of segments that was hard to make sound good. It gave me new respect for the "hosts" of the world. Well, not all of them, but certainly Chuck Woolery.
TPP:You're originally from Philadelphia; I'm originally from Cleveland. Is it me or is sarcasm totally lost on people out here in Los Angeles?
RALPH: Oh, that's a REALLY great question. What a TERRIFIC question ... EXCELLENT job. You must've been the TOP of your class in journalism school.
TPP:Did Michael Jackson borrow that porn collection from you?
RALPH: All except "BLEACHED SKINNED & BUSTY" and "FUCK THE HOLE THAT USED TO BE MY NOSE" ... Those were his personal stash.
TPP: Who is funnier, you, Sarah Silverman, or Chris Matthews from Hardball?
RALPH: Sarah. Because my good buddy, Jimmy Kimmel is banging her, and he only has sex with REALLY funny people. She must be funnier than me, because he's always spurned my lustful advances. I'm probably too much man for him, anyway.
TPP: Why exactly were you in the E: True Hollywood Story of Ginger Lynn? Did it have anything to do with your participation in the news magazine program Sexcetera?
RALPH: I dated Ginger for two years. And yes, the sex was awesome. They interviewed me as an old boyfriend. Aside from being a porn legend, she's also one of the nicest women I've ever met.
TPP:It looks like you are honestly getting somewhere these days. So what was it like to work with Al Pacino, Rene Russo and Mathew McConaughey in the upcoming movie "2 For The Money"? I'm guessing Pacino yelled a lot, even when he was in a good mood.
RALPH: 2 FOR THE MONEY is my first feature film, and look at the shitty cast I got stuck with. I think they all learned a lot from me, but none more than Pacino. He still calls me. "Hey Ralph ... Could you come over and help me with this monologue?" ... Christ, it never ends. Jeremy Piven's also in the movie. I told him I'd mention that because he's very sensitive and cries when he feels left out.
TPP:Have you read anything that you think is funny on this website? If so, what?
RALPH: I've loved the piece on how SNL sucks now. Not the funniest piece on the site, but it was very cathartic to read what I've been screaming for years. However, it was funnier in the beginning ... Ackroyd always slayed me.
TPP:Is there anything else you want to plug or comment on?
RALPH: Please go see 2 FOR THE MONEY when it goes into theatres nationwide on September 23rd. If it's a hit, and my film career takes off, I won't have to degrade myself by doing interviews for websites like this one in a desperate attempt at self-publicizing my floundering career.
I read this article last week adn found this guy to be pretty funny. He mentions a movie called The Rutles and compared it to Spinal Tap so I HAD to go rent it. Watched it over the weekend... man did it suck major donkey dick. What a complete waste of time, and I am a Monty Python AND Beatles fan. This guy most smoke a shitload of crack. Just my two cents.
Jillian
Your da BOMB Ralph!!!
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Posted: 4/19/2005 10:46:15 PM
Congrats on the marriage, too bad you didn't meet me sooner. I would put DD December to shame....Anyhow, love ya in your not so popular movies & I listen to you & your gang every am ...Thanks for keeping me laughing. =)
Joseph The Real Father Of Jesus
Get It On
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Posted: 4/22/2005 9:45:24 PM
Ralph is the world's greatest lover, and boy, is my ass sore!
Steve H
Funny Man
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Posted: 4/29/2005 3:59:41 PM
Ralph Garman is a truly funny guy. It's very cool that you guys did a piece on him. You should interview some more comedians for your site in the future. Very refreshing compared to other things you have posted.
Sheila Laymen
Missing
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Posted: 4/29/2005 6:39:40 PM
Hey Ralph. Since you didn't call me back, I just wanted to let you know I left my panties in your car last week...can I have them back?
Howie
Where can I find Kevin and Bean
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Posted: 10/7/2005 10:59:40 AM
This guy seems really funny. Anyone know if they podcast or stream his KROQ radio show on the net anywhere?
Art
Your Father
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Posted: 6/1/2006 7:42:52 PM
KROQ has just finally started streaming through their site www.kroq.com You can just click the big button on the upper left to start the stream or you can visit the Kevin & Bean section to see a bunch of their goings on (Sights) and listen to a whole lot of clips and bits from the show (Sounds). Its not live but its a good recap of alot of the stuff that goes on and Ralphs in alot of it. Any of the reality show recaps with a character called Loquicia (who is actually Ralph playing a black woman) are good. You have to register for the current stream but the clips and recaps are open listening. There's also "Ralphs Movie Beat" and his movie review bit which is updated on the site weekly which he does every Friday.
Posts: 52 Rank: 20 Joined:
10/21/2005
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Posted: 12/7/2006 11:49:38 AM
Ralph is my hero! I would have never gotten into the movie reviewing game if it weren't for his Movie Beat. Then again I probably would have never joined NAMBLA and DOMAI if it weren't for Ralph either so I guess it balances out in the end.
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