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Mr. Rainy Face
Excuse me, “Black Guy On This Bus Who’s Glaring At Me And Clearly Hates Me”, but can I speak with you for a moment? I don’t mean to bother you. It’s just that we have a pretty long bus ride ahead of us, and rather than simply ignoring this very apparent rift between us I think that we should just tackle the problem head-on. So here goes.
Now, because I know for a fact that I have never met you, I think it’s pretty safe to assume that I have never personally wronged you in any way. So I can only suppose that this animosity that you are projecting towards me comes from somewhere else. And after careful consideration, I believe I know what this is all about. Oh heck, I’m just going to say it......
I’m really sorry for the role that I played in slavery.
There, I said it. That feels better. I truly hope that this helps mend things between you and me. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when my ancestors enslaved your ancestors two hundred years ago. I was kind of in a weird place back then and I’ll be the first to say that I was completely out of line.
Totally My Bad
And believe me, if I could go back, I would try a thousand times harder not to let it happen. But as they say, “hindsight is 20-20”, and I can’t undo what I’ve already done. I just hope that this sincere act of contrition eases the tension on this RTA Metro.
I know that things have been pretty awkward for us since the whole slavery thing went down. I’ve received your deserved cold stares when I see you at the convenience store. I’ve been frigidly acknowledged when we pass each other on the street, if I’m acknowledged at all. And I’m 99% sure that this all goes back to the slavery unpleasantness.
I would like to say a few things in my defense, if that’s alright by you. First off, can I just assure you that I myself have never owned slaves? Not even one. I personally find the very concept abhorrent and would never engage in the practice. I also took several diversity classes and a Black History class in college and I make every effort to stay versed on most racial issues. But alas, I can tell by your continued angry stare that these are all moot points. I guess I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
Huge Fan of This Guy
Oh hey, can I just mention one more thing? I believe it should be noted that I worked for four years in the food service industry. And in my time as a server and bartender, I like to think that I did my part to make up for my past atrocities. You see, many of my fellow servers got upset when African-American patrons undertipped them considerably. But not me. I consider those lost wages to be my way of contributing towards reparations for my checkered past.
Once again, I can perceive by your unwavering scowl that I am not getting through to you here. Well, that’s fine. I suppose that there are some transgressions that can never be forgiven. But at least I made the effort.
Well, “Black Guy On This Bus Who’s Glaring At Me And Clearly Hates Me”, this is my stop. I appreciate that you at least heard me out and I for one feel good about our little talk. I think that the healing begins right now. I’ll probably see you tomorrow, unless my Saturn gets out of the shop.
Mike has a black friend, remember? Therefore, he has the right away to write this fucking hilarious article. Good work man, I laughed my ass off.
Ian
Americans are Warped
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Post #: 32
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Posted: 6/13/2005 4:17:10 PM
Interesting commentary. As a Canadian I enjoy reading and following American politics and social commentaries. I am always amazed how black Americans are referred to as "African American". Most have them have never been to Africa!
If a black President were elected the newspapers would read, "First African American President Elected". When George W. Bush was elected did the papers read, "European American Elected President"? Why is that everytime a white person comments on religious
Pat
Canadians
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Post #: 33
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Posted: 6/14/2005 4:24:54 PM
I am so glad that Ian cut himself off, presumably by accident, because I'm sure he would have preferred to pontificate for several more paragraphs. Is there any chance that Ian doesn't have a maple leaf sewn onto his backpack when he travels in Europe? "Please don't ejaculate in my food, Jacques. I'm not one of those ugly, mean Americans. I'm Canadian. Do it on my face."
zippy
feel you
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Post #: 34
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Posted: 6/19/2005 3:01:28 AM
I feel you divorce. Its just that white people don't get the historical implications that slavery and segregation had on our society. To be honest, most black people could care less about white people. They just wanna raise there kids and feed there families. But when you deny wealth creation through hundreds of generations, then you start to understand that stare and that animosity. But whats funny is that we've had all but what 20-30 years of acual economic inclusion and rights. These people just act like we should be happy and shut the fuck up and disappear. But i will fuck a white girl in the ass in a minute.
Steve
ZIPPY BLOW ME
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Post #: 35
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Posted: 6/21/2005 10:43:39 AM
Hey Zipperhead, Do us better lookin white guys a favor and take care of that 250 lb. white bitch you speak of. God knows she aint gettin it from most of us. I love nothing more than to walk through the mall and see the ugliest of white trash fat fuck women holding hands with their 4 toothed crackhead black fuck buddy. That shit gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK ZIPPY!!! Believe me, its not going unnoticed.
Oh yeah, and start tipping better too. Some stereotypes like that are right on the fuckin money, or should I say lack there of...
Frank
You ordered what???
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Post #: 36
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Posted: 6/21/2005 8:34:37 PM
I am a bartender of many years. Here are a couple of the favorite things that i have had ordered (via black people or african-americans), and these are all true:
Tang-are you kidding, do i look like a spaceship Olde English-not the worst one ever Colt 45-Now you're pushing it Kool-Aid-This aint yo mama's kitchen Gin and juice-what kind of juice--"i dont know, just gin and juice mother fucker" real quote too!
The number one worst thing i have ever had ordered from me---- A bowl of ranch to go with someones 3 oz of baked beans. I am not talking about a cup, i am talking about a bowl. This guy got a probably 20 oz bowl of ranch and beans and made ranch soup with a couple beans. Yummy. Pffffft!
Patrick
Sidenote
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Post #: 37
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Posted: 7/13/2005 3:54:02 AM
I would agree with a lot in this article, but I would have to say as a waiter that my worst customers have been snotty white bitches and not black people. They expect a little different service (straws, extra napkins) but are usually overjoyed when they get it and tip appropriately. I think the stereotype is a catch 22, waiters dred the table and the customer realizes this. All tables are different and need different service. And I dont mean in a Brown vs. Board of Education bullshit way.
MKF
Get with it, zippy
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Post #: 38
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Posted: 8/25/2005 3:16:07 PM
Nice article, Mike. Some of the newer pieces have not been very good recently so I decided to go back and read some older articles from the funnier writers, and am glad I did. Since it is three months after the fact there is no way anybody will actually read this, but in response to Zippy: you went blabbering on about how black people have been wronged -- which is certainly not untrue -- but insodoing you've COMPLETELY missed the point of the article.... that while black people were given an incredibly raw deal back in the day, you being mad at every Crack McHonkey walking down the street is equally wrong. Again, funny article Mike, hopefully you can keep coming out with these to make the lives of the rest of us working stiffs that much more enjoyable.
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