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by: MIKE POLK

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Hey! Hey Assface! I’m talking to you! Let’s get something straight right now Spazbreath! Samantha is my girl! Do you hear me!? Stay the hell away from her!

What makes you think she’d want anything to do with a geek like you anyways!? She’s got a real man! I’m popular! I’m the Captain of the football team! Go Cougars!

All you do is hang out in the art room all day and paint your queer, abstract pictures! They all look like puke! Just like your face! Remember when I said that to you last week?! And then I punched a hole in your painting!? Remember?! Douchebag!

I’m rich and you’re poor! This Armani sweater cost more than that run-down house you live in! My parents are wealthy, pompous socialites! Your dad died when you were a kid, so you had to help raise your brother! You No-Dad-Having-Loser! Stay Away from Samantha!

My Sweet House

Your friends are a ragtag bunch of Misfit Dweebs! My friends are all almost as good-looking and rich as I am! They flank me wherever I walk! They laugh when I insult you! One time, one of them tried to be more popular than me so I punched him!

I drive a red Trans Am! It’s red! My parents gave it to my on my 16th birthday! I didn’t have to do anything to earn it! You drive around on that stupid moped that you paid for yourself by delivering pizzas! One time you delivered a pizza to an awesome party I was throwing and I made fun of you in front of everyone! I poured a beer on your head and said “Keep the tip!”. Remember?! Remember how I did that?! Ha! Don’t even look at Samantha, Dorkwad!

Some Of My Trophies

I don’t care how many poems you write for Samantha! She’ll never choose you over me! I don’t even appreciate her! I make out with other girls and then I high five my rich friends! Yeah! Go Cougars!

What are you going to do about it Dillhole? Compete against me in some sort of contest to prove that you’re the better man in front of the whole school? Yeah, right! Not gonna happen. Like you could ever beat me at anything. You name it, Dickweed! What’s it gonna be? Boat race? Dance-off? Ski-off? Tractor Chicken Fight? No matter what you choose, I assume I’ll wipe the floor with you! You’ll clearly be the underdog!

I don’t even care if you vigorously train to beat me at whatever competition we decide on during a two minute guitar-solo-ridden musical montage that shows you growing as a person! You still can’t win! Because I’m Chet Huntley! And you’re not! Dickface! Stay away from Samantha!

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SHIRT OF THE MONTH

We Coulda Had Him Tee

"Hey, man, we coulda had him. Hey! We coulda had him, man!"
"I will fire when I'm goddamn good and ready! You got that?!"

VISIT OSCAR SHITLEY'S TO BUY >

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