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Run The Bases As Fast As Possible!
In those glorious days of mid-twenties dating, your sex life is one of the most exciting things known to man. If it’s not, take my word that you need to get out there quickly and start humping like a horny hamster. The only way you can survive what comes next in life is to pound as much hot ass as you can before you cross over to the other side. And by that I don’t mean becoming a homosexual. I’m talking about stepping to the other side of a threshold that will keep your dick dry for increasingly more painful stretches of time. I’m talking about sex after 5 years of marriage!
The honeymoon is over, buddy! At first I couldn’t figure out how I got here, so I decided to look back at the various stages that lead me to this accelerated stage of blue balls. I figured it was my duty as a card carrying man to relay this info to my fellow men so they can identify how close they are to this pitiful existence and maybe find a cure for all of us.
Phase 1: The First Date (AKA: Man do I wanna poke her!)
At this point it’s not even totally about sex; it’s more about the anticipation of sex. You’ll think to yourself, “Damn she’s got a tight ass!” and all you’ll want to do for days is get your hands on it. You may even be so bold as to compliment how good her ass looks. But if you’re smart, you’ll realize ahead of time that the reason she keeps wearing that same pair of jeans is because it is the only thing that can keep all that sloppy ass in one place and looking like it is firm when it isn’t. Yet somehow it doesn’t matter to you. The entire goal of life during the first stretch is get past dry humping and get to working the bases like Ricky Henderson. If she finally unloads a truckload of unmanageable ass on you the first time you get her clothes off, you can simply hit it, quit it and forget it with no real harm having been done. This is the phase that the vaginal euphemism “strange” comes into play. All pussy is brand new and different from the last time. Enjoy this phase, guys- it will be the second best time of your sexual life.
Phase 2: Regular Dating (AKA: She called you her boyfriend in public; now her friends are off limits.)
When you first started dating her, she was often drunk and let you pound her on top of that old console television, but that wore off after a few weeks of regular dating. The dating phase can offer some hot moments, like sex in a moving car, or that soapy shower sex thing, but this phase is definitely all about quantity and not quality. Any chance you get to whip it out, she is typically glad to oblige. She knows this is the best shape your dick will ever be in since you are already moving past your sexual peak, and she full well plans on taking advantage of it. She knows there will never be another time in her life when you will be able to regularly give her three orgasms in one night. Most women will even dole out regular blowjobs during this phase, if only to keep their love hatches from taking too much steady abuse from your eager man hammer. In fact the ease with which you are able to “talk her into” the blowjob during this phase is typically what leads directly to the next phase.
Phase 3: Just Got Engaged (AKA: Now that I’ve spent money, I’ll get sex all the time!)
This is the phase where you will experience your first draught. That weekend when you propose will definitely involve some sex, but to your dismay it will be the kind where she holds your face and looks into your eyes, not the kind where you bend her over the arm of the lazy boy. It’ll be the kind where she cries and makes you say, “I love you” when you cum, not the kind where she howls like Kim Catrall in Porky’s. Two weeks later, as soon as the wedding planning is in full swing, the sex starts to slowly fade away. Your lady will be focused on gabbing about cake and dresses with the girls until 3AM instead of spinning like a dreidel on top of your love pole. As your dick starts to go unused you’ll begin to wonder absurd things “why don’t they show SportsCenter at a few more times a day”, or “why do they keep giving the belt to HHH,” or, if things have gotten really bad, “shit, I never realized how funny 'Home Improvement' was!” Take my advice, guys. As soon as you hit this stage establish that regular poker night with your buddies. She probably won’t notice you’re even gone at first and believe me, after she does notice, she was gonna yell at you about how you weren’t involved enough in the wedding planning anyway. So there is no need to worry about the repercussions. There’s also no way she is gonna push you to get too pissed off when her dad just put 10 Grand down on the wedding hall.
Phase 4: Almost Married (AKA: Jesus Hector Christ, am I actually going through with this?)
You’re probably asking how guys even end up married if the draught after engagement is so bad. This next phase is the direct answer to that question. As soon as things look really awful and you are getting closer to the big day, something happens. All of a sudden she is all about pleasing you for a change. You begin to see sexy lingerie appear and all manner of dildos, vibrators and edible body creams. She starts taking you out to dinner and your favorite action movies, then taking you home and seducing you to 70’s funk records that you know she hates. In fact, several other surprising things happen. All of a sudden you don’t have to watch "Desperate Housewives" or reruns of "Friends". I distinctly remember that this was the only time in history that not only did she allow me to watch almost every game of Dodgers spring training that was televised, but that I even got a blow job during two of them! She would actually let me listen to Aesop Rock and Slipknot in the car. And when I accidentally stepped on her Jack Johnson CD she didn’t say a word. This was one of the best times of my life that lasted right up until the bachelor party.
It wasn’t until much later that I found out why. Guys, I’m here to tell you that the Bridal Shower is your best friend. I found out later from one of my wife’s girlfriends that they were the ones who had supplied her with all the toys and hot lingerie that had made me so happy during those months. My wife’s whole group of friends had actually planned how to keep my dick so “worked out” up until the night of the bachelor party that there was no way I would fuck things up by having sex with some hooker.
Phase 5: After the Bachelor Party (AKA: Fuck, she thinks I did something!)
The Logan's Run - She actually can renew!
I would love to tell you that I didn’t do anything at my bachelor party, but I was so fucked up that when I woke up in the morning in a room with three of my buddies, two hookers, some type of mule and a tranny, I was extremely happy not to remember what exactly had happened, or how we had even gotten into Canada with livestock. I know, however, that it really doesn’t matter what happens that night though. She is going to use that night as the moment you fucked up all the good things she had been doing for you, and that now you owe her, big time, no matter what. If you are lucky enough to get any sex during this phase, I can guarantee it will be whatever she wants and having nothing to do with you or your needs. In fact, this was probably the first period in my life when I ever had sex without cumming. She got hers and pushed me right off on to the floor. In fact, after that she wouldn’t even do it with me again until the wedding. She said something to the effect of “We can’t do it for 2 months so that I can be like a virgin for you on our wedding night”. At this point, the invitations are all out and you’ve already paid for the honeymoon, so there’s really no turning back. You may, however, want to take this time to start investigating your state's divorce laws, just in case.
Phase 6: The Wedding Night And Honeymoon (AKA: Now the pussy is mine, legally!)
The night of the nuptials is spectacular! You thought she was kidding about that whole renewed pussy thing, but she was totally right. You almost feel like you’re doing something wrong since she feels like a 15 year old virgin, but hey, even if you’re in Kentucky and she is, she is yours legally now and you can bang her sideways anyway you like! She realizes that you actually did work hard on planning the honeymoon and the sex is solid the whole week. In fact, you may even go three times in one day like you did during Phase 2.
Phase 7: The Honeymoon Is Over (AKA: Hey That's My Closet!)
This is, surprisingly, only a short dry spell. By the time you get back from the honeymoon both of you are more focused on figuring out how to cash checks that have both peoples names on them than trying to figure out how to keep the heat from the honeymoon going. As soon as the checks are cashed and the gift certificates are spent your mind is preoccupied trying to figure out how to use that combination blender and Foreman grill that you can’t even fit on the counter in your two-bedroom apartment. Occasionally, missionary position sex happens in this phase, but you both start to schedule those Saturday night rendezvous to make this happen. You also won't want to touch her for weeks after she "accidentally" trashes your iPod, your 12-year collection of Playboys, your PSP and all the games, and all the beer has been moved to an Igloo cooler in the garage.
Phase 8: The Trusting Wife (AKA: Who is this woman and how’d did she get in my house?)
People think it’s all downhill after the honeymoon, but that’s not true. This is perhaps the best phase of all, but sadly leads directly to the worst. Your wife now has complete trust in you! You’ve been married a couple of years and something you didn’t expect to happen, just did. You wife is hitting her sexual peak! All of a sudden she wants you to tie her up, pull her hair, spank her and call her all those dirty names you hear in the Jill Kelly movies. Because she trusts you so much, she actually comes up with the idea to let you give her a long one in the wrong one! She is the one flirting with hot girls at the bar and bringing them home for hot threesomes (mostly the kind that leave you sitting on the sidelines, but that’s okay since you haven’t seen another set of bare breast that wasn’t on Skin-A-Max in four years)! All you can think is that you’ve made the best choice possible. You are totally in love with this woman and you will never leave her.
Phase 9: The Career Wife (AKA: Who’s got the bigger balls?)
Then right when things are as good as they could possibly be, she gets the promotion she’s been wanting. Now everything is about her life, her schedule and her needs. Don’t think you’ll be watching the end of that Lakers game. Dammit, "ER" is on, and she has got to unwind. If you say anything about having needs yourself, be assured that you won’t be getting any for a long time. In fact, any sex that you might get during this phase is not typically desirable, unless, of course, you like her tying you down, spanking you with a wooden 2x4, and stirring your lunch with a strap-on "John Holmes" dildo. I don’t know about you, but my dirt path is exit only. Just the thought of the amount of hair that would be ripped out back there makes me cringe!
Phase 10: The Delivery Room (AKA: Why does the doctor have that cold metal saw in his hands?)
Everyone knows that pregnant wife sex can be kind of fun. Something about her hormones turning upside down makes splattering your unborn seed with baby-batter all the more fun. The problem is after she has the baby. I know it’s cruel, but it’s hard to wanna jump in where you just saw a human exit. And God forbid there were any complications or a large amount of cutting during the birth. I could watch Tyson bite Holyfield’s ear off twelve times, but when the OB/GYN calls for a scalpel and blood squirts the nurse in the face, that’s pretty much when I pass the fuck out. If women were smart they would let us sit in the lobby and smoke cigars like we used to. That would certainly lead to way more sex later. After the first kid sex is at best a once a month deal.
Looking Forward To Those Scheduled Rendezvous With Your Lady?
Phase 11: 5 Years after marriage (AKA: The Party’s Over!)
Now she is back at work, being a career mom. The kids are always around. You are both disgusting around the mid section and you can’t remember any positions other than missionary and doggy style. She’s got a picture of Johnny Depp on one wall to get her hot, and she buys you Taylor Hayes movies to watch just so you can keep it up. Your medicine chest is full of anti-depressants, vitamins, Viagra, Rogaine, Pro-Activ, Preparation-H, Botox and Tums, and it takes regular doses of each just to stay interested in each other. There is a calendar in the bedroom that marks the few days in each couple of months when you might send the kids over to a friend’s house and try to have sex, but usually that just turns into a chance to finish reading "The DaVinci Code" or "The Broker". You dick is in dry dock. The high point of your sex life is now beating off to Jillian Barberie on "Good Day LA" on Tuesdays and Thursday.
So for all you young bucks out there rocking your designer jeans and getting all that strange, enjoy it for the rest of us. It’s hard for me to even remember what a tight sexy ass and well-groomed pubes look like on women. Let alone breasts that don’t look like those bags you use to draw with frosting on birthday cakes. I envy you all and please feel free to send pictures.
For all those married people out there, I am picking up your slack. Im a 26 year guy that is pounding as much 20 year old ass as I can find before I take the dive. Enjoy the homestead......Ill be at your sister's!!!!
Funk
Bozo The Death-Machine
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Post #: 32
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Posted: 7/8/2005 4:52:46 PM
"Let alone breasts that don’t look like those bags you use to draw with frosting on birthday cakes." I never knew how to describe them until now. Frosting bags, with the pointy cone at the end. I am both disturbed and delighted. Also, many thanks for "long one in the wrong one." This phrase has knocked the classic "two in the pink, one in the stink," off its throne as King of the Naughty Talk in the playground of my mind. Bravo. "Let's get nipple to nipple" from the Roadhouse review is pretty tough to beat, as well.
KW
Dont Get Married...
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Post #: 33
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Posted: 7/12/2005 10:50:21 PM
Why you ask?
Because after you get married, she's got half the money and all the pussy!
SweetCream
Do Me...Now!
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Post #: 34
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Posted: 7/19/2005 4:17:40 AM
Ok, I am a 24 yr. old female with a 31 yr. old boyfriend & I feel like I'm going through the rough phases here. I want sex all the time, would love to just stay at home & fuck all day. When we do have sex, it generally sucks because he is a two pump chump who leaves me high & dry. The funny thing is, I think I spoiled him in the beginning because the first time we had sex, we had an accident "Long one in the wrong one" happen due to him being way too over eager & ramming full charge doggystyle. What to do now!? I guess I will go blow the dust off the old cock & try, try again.
Dude
Crazy Woman
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Post #: 35
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Posted: 7/20/2005 2:53:38 PM
Memo to crazy woman that posted in all caps about 15 posts ago: I don't think the point of the article was how to please your wife five years into the marriage. It's all about hitting what you can before you get tied down. All girls are pleased sexually during the first two phases because they are getting what they love. Attention. Maybe your husband wouldn't be going to poker parties, and only getting up the courage to actually bang you only when he is drunk, if you didn't let yourself go. Why don't you discover a gym membership? Get rid of the flab, get a little sun on that palid skin of yours, and by the end the year, he'll give you more attention than he gives Doyle Brunsen right now. If that doesn't work, a pocket rocket beats pocket aces any day of the week.
Jennifer
Get Out....If It's That Bad...
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Post #: 36
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Posted: 7/22/2005 10:21:34 PM
I wasn't offended by this article, but maybe it is because I don't have these kinds of problems in my marriage yet... I'm not sure. All I thought when I read this is Why do people who are in such a miserable marriage think they are stuck there? Please don't give me the bullshit about "Oh, because I love him/her" If you are truly that unhappy with your life or your marriage, don't just sit and complain. The truth is you can do something about it other than bitch about" oh poor me and my life sucks and i never get pussy". Take some responsibility people... My husband and I have a very honest relationship. Trust me, it does help in the long run. I tell him what I want and he does the same. For example, I just had our first baby girl :) about 1yr. ago and after I had her, I asked my husband if he would like to see me in better shape and of course he said yes ( i know you are probably thinking.... "Of Course he said yes?! Are we husbands allowed to be that honest?) We always have been. Sure there are times I get upset, but I try so hard to just keep my mouth shut and not yell at him...because I asked for honesty and that is all he gave me. Well, I took what he said to heart and it took me over 7 months ( I had a c-section) but I am now in better shape than I was before I even got pregnant! He is of course happy and you know what? So am I. On the flip side....my husband is a big and tall guy... When we started dating, he weighed about 230lbs... He had just gotten out of police academy and he was in great shape!! Now, this July will be 4yrs we have been married and he has gained (no joking) over 60lbs. He is now about 297lbs.... See, the problem is he had a hernia since he was about 19yrs old that never got fixed and just recently he had it repaired...so it wasn't like I just sat with a frown on my face as he gained 60lbs over the course of our marriage... Trust me, I told him about 2months after his surgery when I was sure he could lose the weight safely.. Granted that is alot of weight to lose, but he is now and has been for the past 3 months, been working out at least 3 days a week. I don't expect a miraculous weight lose in a short amount of time..just as long as he puts in an effort...because I did for him.. Look, I know my post is long, but the point is this...Your marriage is what you make it...So don't complain, examine your relationship and fix it whiner ;) !! You CAN do it!!
ToneDef
Hah Hah
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Post #: 37
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Posted: 7/23/2005 5:23:33 PM
I went to that link below. Hysterical reply for women who wrote her life's story below that! Verry funny comment Al.
Jennifer
It's called responsibility!
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Post #: 38
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Posted: 7/24/2005 11:17:05 PM
LOL at your link! How cool is it that you show us yet another peice of proof that most men are wothless? Anyway, show me all the "medical" studies you want, grow some balls and quit blaming everything that is wrong with you on being a male... It's called responsibilty. Try it.....
Ari
Whoa
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Post #: 39
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Posted: 7/25/2005 5:18:30 PM
Boy sure seems like little miss jennifer is a little on edge. I get the feeling you may need to see some kind of mental health specialist for your anger issues. Or maybe you're just having a little "Dry Spell" yourself and need to get laid. I don't think the guy posting that article was even messing with, so much as confirming your point that men don't listen enough. This is a COMEDY WEBSITE. Stop taking this stuff so seriously. If you don't want to laugh at this stuff try this link www.cnn.com. It might be more suited to your tastes.
Jennifer
JUst sharing...isn't sharing caring? :)
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Post #: 40
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Posted: 7/26/2005 6:13:31 AM
Sheez.... Some people are so insensitive "Little Miss Ari" (just assuming you are a girl cuz Ari seems like a feminine name). Just so you know, I only wrote what I did the second time in response to Al's link to see if someone would bite and write something back... I know this is just a comedy website, I just like to get people's goat... I guess it worked because you are the one getting uptight about my comment. In all seriousness though, my first post was just to share my personal experience with marriage ( I know it was long, but so was the article :p ). I assume the guy who wrote it was joking around... but then again, who knows? I know that there are some people that are indeed that unhappy with their marriage... I was just sharing some experience, that's all.
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