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WELCOME TO FUDDRUCKERS

by: MIKE POLK

Hell
Hey folks, welcome to Fuddruckers where fun and flavor go hand in hand. My name is Mike and I’ll be your server this evening. I’m 27 years old and I’m by no means proud of where I am at this point in life. I have a bachelors degree in communications, which I suppose I’ll now utilize to let you know about tonight’s specials.

We have the broiled sea bass which is served with white parsley or cheddar mashed potatoes, your choice, or the southwest city chicken which is all white meat rolled in egg yolks, bread crumbs and seasonings then pan fried to a golden brown and served on a kabob.

You’ll notice that I’m not making eye contact with either of you right now due to the fact that I’m ashamed of my lowly and subservient profession and I’m scared of seeing my own reflection in your eyes, thereby catching a horrific glance of what my life really is.

Our featured appetizer tonight is the ultimate nacho platter, which is our hearth-baked tortilla chips with chunky garden salsa, sour cream, black olives and three types of cheeses. Or, if you’re feeling a little more adventurous, we’re also offering our cajun crawdad tails which are tossed in a spicy creole sauce and then served over brown rice.

I apologize if I’m not fully masking my contempt for the two of you, but as you can imagine, I’m having a pretty difficult time with the fact that it’s my job to bring you food and clear your plates, despite the fact that you’re both obviously younger than I am and that I’m most likely more intelligent.

Douchebag Kids Who Want Refills
Can I tempt either of you into starting off with one of our famous “Fuddruckers Frozen Drink Experiences”? My personal favorite is the deliciously decadent “Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Martini” which is the perfect combination of Bailey’s Irish Cream, Amaretto, and milk with just a hint of Butterscotch Schnapps. Or perhaps you’d prefer one of our signature oversized “Key Lime Pie Mega-ritas”. Just one sip and you’ll be whisked away to a tropical paradise without ever leaving your booth.

Speaking of alcohol, drinking has been my one salvation as of late. But it seems like it takes more and more of it each night to distract me from the horrors of my everyday life, such as the knowledge of my unrealized potential and the vast sense of nothingness that consumes my soul.

Okay, I’m going to let you two mull over the menus there, I know it’s a bit overwhelming, and I’m gonna go grab you a couple of waters and a basket of our world-famous breadsticks. Then I’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. And, if I’m not that probably means that I finally worked up the courage to impale myself on something sharp back in the kitchen because death seemed like a favorable alternative to going on with this pointless, sad existence, and of course, if that’s the case, then I’ll just see you both in hell.
From the BEST daily humor magazine on the web:
www.thephatphree.com
Read this article online at: www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=343&SectionID=3