Sex and drugs have more in common that just being two of the great pleasures in life. In a cruel, Faustian way, neither one is ever quite as exciting as the first time. This leaves us in a constant search for stronger, more seductive, deviant, but most importantly different sex. Just like some people chase that high from the first hit on a poorly rolled joint in a junior high bathroom all the way to burning their lips on a soot-filled light bulb crack pipe, we're all searching for a sexual experience that will make our heart race like that first time the sweaty palms of a nervous 7th grade cheerleader awkwardly griped our rock-hard, virgin manhood in the basement during a friend's 13th birthday party. It's like an endless, x-rated episode of "The Fugitive" starring your meatwhistle as Dr. Richard Kimble.

But once you've raced through the Kama Sutra, where do you go for ideas? Porn? Maybe for a little while, but unless you never want to be able to look your girl in the eyes again, there are only so many porn movies you can copy. Plus with porn, there is always the risk of mood-ruining shots of the man's grimacing face or the dreaded rear undercarriage shot. I'll never understand why anyone would want to see some dude's hairy brown eye and swinging balls. The only way that shot is ever good is if you are watching the main character from Punch-Out! fuck.

But that's why we are here- to help. We present to you, The Phat Phree's 50 All New Sex Maneuvers:

The Slinky Start at the top of the stairs in the 69 position, and then slowly topple end over end down the stairs with each other's junk crammed in your mouths. Bonus points for humming the Slinky jingle.

The Rearing Unicorn Start in the classic doggy position. When you're ready to spit seed, dismount and leap onto your girl's head. Shoot for distance as she rears up. Bonus points if you are banging a horse face.

The Bill Bixby Have sex to any of the eight episodes of "Blossom" that Bixby directed (My favorite is "All Dressed Up".), then when you are finished, exit the room to the closing theme of "The Incredible Hulk." Bonus points for looking back longingly over your shoulder as you walk away.

The Blue Thunder Prop your girl's haunches up in the air against a couch or chair. Mount her from above and attempt to spin around with your arms and legs straight out as she supports your weight.

The Coldsmith-Briggs III Same as The Blue Thunder except you wear an eye patch.

The Japanese Businessman Get your girlfriend to dress up like a schoolgirl and kick you in the apple bag until you pass out. Bonus points if you do group calisthenics before you start.

The Scarlett Tattoo Talk your girl into getting life-size Scarlett Johansson spread-eagle and naked tattooed on her back. If you can't talk her into that, see if she'll at least get a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend's face on her back.

The Tony Romo Have your girl leap across the room into your arms and then carelessly let her slip and smash her head on the coffee table. Then pick her up, take a shit all over the floor, and drop her head first onto the carpet while you flail around like a complete pussy. Then go fuck an entire city. Bonus points if you have the nerve to attend the Pro Bowl afterwards.

The Angry Monkeys Line up on opposite sides of the room and throw feces at each other.

The Inconsiderate Driver When having sex from behind, you "change lanes" without signaling.

The Steve Miller Band Just do the same awful thing over and over in three-minute intervals. Make sure you are so terrible that only a high school girl would think you are any good.

The Dudley Ramsey Get together and have her take of her shirt while you watch cartoons. Bonus points if you do it in a bike shop. Double bonus points if she calls the cops.

The Predator You pull out and stand over her while she yells. "Come on! I'm here! Do it!" until you supersoak her. As always, bonus points if you are Carl Weathers.

The Smiling Donut Have your girl lay on her side with her top leg over your shoulder. When you're ready to finish, pull out and glaze her vertical smile with your batch. Bonus points if you say, "Time to make the donuts," as you finish.

The Obstetrician When your wife is pregnant, practice for the big day by dilating her baby maker with your Breisky pelvimeter. If you don't have a Breisky pelvimeter, you can use your penis. Bonus points if you induce labor or dent the baby's fontanel.

The American Idol Let millions of people watch your mediocre performance.

The Company Picnic Fuck your wife while you'd rather being doing something else. Afterward, she flushes your bonus check down the toilet. Bonus points if you do it in a burlap sack. Double bonus points if you do it with your secretary instead.

The Howard Cunningham Go to ace hardware wearing a fez, strip completely naked and yell "Marion where is my dinner?" while you fuck the shit out of the hole you just drilled into the cash register. Bonus points if you can get the other employees to sing the Happy Days theme while you're drilling the hole. Double bonus points if you can convince Scott Baio to yell "He's Gonna Jump the Shark!" just before you blow it. Triple bonus points if you can get John Madden to say "See, I told ya Ace is the place," while jacking off with a pair of pliers.

The Mind of Mencia Do nothing funny for a half hour.

The Coin Toss After being married for a decade, sex is pretty much just work, so just flip a coin to decide who gets to cum. It'll cut your work in half!

The Figurehead Stand on the bow of a ship while taking your girl from behind. Attempt to hold her out over the edge with just your veiny mast.

The Lance Armstrong,. Begin by having sex while wearing a yellow jersey. Right as you are about to finish, your girl reaches down and rips one of your balls off. Bonus points if she ties it off with a Livestrong bracelet.

The Britney Spears Fuck a piece of shit, and then pay it millions of dollars to leave.

The Wilford Brimley Poke her whiskers in a kiddy pool full of Quaker Oatmeal. Bonus points if you last long enough that you are both encased in a Cocoon.

The Jon Benet Have your girl dress up like the rotting corpse of a murdered seven-year-old beauty pageant contestant. You wear a sign that reads, "The News Media". Then fuck her mercilessly into the ground for more than decade.

The Longest Yard (1974) Fuck your girl in the poop shoot in a prison shower while wearing a football helmet.

The Longest Yard (2005) Same as the 1974 version except you get fucked in the ass.

The Ol' Baseball Card in the Spokes Have sex with your girl bent over an old BMX bike. When she is ready to climax, pull the baseball card out of your bike spokes and run it across her brown spokes. Bonus points if you do it with a Billy Ripkin "Fuck Face" card or any '87 Topps "Woodie" Future Star.

The Bar-B-Que You know the ladies like to light a million candles in the bedroom, so why not put them to use? Tell her she can have all the candles she wants as long as you can slow roast a whole pig over them while you make sweet love. Bonus points for smothering yourselves in baked beans.

The Molotov Cocktail Blow your goo in a jar and then throw it at someone. (This could be anyone you want- even someone famous.)

The Handsome Pilot While quoting scenes from Top Gun and wearing aviator helmets, pound your wingman from behind. As you climax and your partner screams, "Eject! Eject! Eject!", jump into the ceiling and snap your neck.

The Working Man Buy a time clock and mount it above the bed. Before you start, punch in, and upon completion, punch out. Mark any time over five minutes as overtime.

The Pelican Breif Have sex quickly while in black face and holding a salmon in your mouth. Bonus points if you murder Julia Roberts.

The Jiffy Lube Take three hours to do a 20 minute job, recommend thousands of dollars of work be done to your partner, and then spend about 15 minutes fucking with a computer trying to type in address information. Bonus points if you have about 3 other creepy guys stand around and do nothing.

The Hazard County Take the dirt road while face to face. When you're ready to pop, pull out and shoot your little Duke boys over her Love Bog and safely onto her stomach while she sings "Dixie" and you shout, "YEEEEE HAAAWWWW!"

The Rupert Hennigan Sodomize a cumulous cloud that looks like Mickey Rooney.

The Secret Affair While eating her boxed lunch, start a flirtatious conversation with her vagina. When she asks you what you're doing, deny you are talking to anyone. When she closes her eyes again, laugh and then whisper into her vagina, "Shhhhh! You're going to get me in trouble."

The Marathon Winner Win a marathon, knock up your wife, fight in your country's civil war, and then give your baby to a celebrity.

The Lime Flavored Tostitos Have your girl sit on a table next to a bowl of potato chips, ignore her until the chips are gone or you are really, really drunk.

The Floating Chowder Bang your girl in space, and shoot your semanauts into the weightless space capsule. Tip: If you can dodge the floaters, try waiting a few hours to clean up. By that time, your chowder blobs will have hardened, making it easier to gather them up.

The Swim Meet Enjoy sex in your position(s) of choice. When you are ready to finish, have your partner pull out a microscope slide. Be sure to shoot a dollup of your tiny swim team on the slide, and quickly place it under a microscope. Take bets on which of your Lil' Johnny Weissmullers will win the race. Bonus points if you are having sex with Amanda Beard.

The 96er Lay back-to-back with your heads at opposite ends and masturbate.

The Beautiful People Cut out photos of celebrities' faces from your favorite insipid, grocery check out magazine, and blow them up to life size. Then you and your girl wear them as masks while you have sex. Bonus points if either of you can finish while wearing Star Jones and Al Reynolds masks.

The Mad Scientist You wear nothing but a lab coat while she pleasures her self with a test tube. You shock your balls and jerk off into a Petri dish. Bonus Points for putting a working Jacob's ladder in your bedroom.

The Steven Tyler Fuck a largemouth bass.

The Almost Threesome Buy a cadaver's hand and wrap it around your balls while you have sex with your wife.

The Heavyweight Champion Start by having sex with normal women, but slowly move up in weight class until you can easily handle the big girls. Then have sex with fat girl every couple months for a year. Bonus points if you make yourself a title belt.

The Stolen Change Purse You dress in nothing but a ski mask. Your girl chases you around the bedroom trying to grab your beanbag, and screaming that you stole her change purse. Every time she gets her hands on your sack you have to give her a nickel.

The Mystery of the Chinese Junk Have sex in a pool of Lo Mein noodles and dead dogs.