For most people, college is less about formal education and more about real world lessons gained from suddenly being able to stay out as late as you want, ditch class if you feel like it and drink like a homeless person (both in quantity and product selection). College is where you go to find out who you are, how you fit into this world and, perhaps more importantly, what other types of people are out there beyond the limited pool of people you went to high school with.
This brings us to the closest relationships college affords- roommates. During the first year of college, assuming you aren't going to the local JC, you're headed for the dorms where you will have no control over who you get to intimately spend the next nine months with. Could be someone who becomes a lifelong friend or it could be a complete psychopath. It's all up to lady Fortuna on that front. After that first year, in most cases you will choose your roommates. Sometimes it works out great, but most of the time it's a nightmare. Eventually for most people, the latter years of college are spent in a large house with multiple roommates. This is where things get interesting.
But rather than walking through the cycle of roommates through the years, in this edition of Dissections we'll be examining the individual traits of the common (and sometimes uncommon) college roommate and how he/she relates to you, the good guy in all of this.
 THE SLOB
This disgusting human being has no problem sleeping on sheets that haven't been washed in months, thinks that a cycle in the dryer constitutes doing laundry and possesses personal hygiene skills that are rivaled by an average two year-old. Nine times out of ten, he chews tobacco, and when that is the case, ten times out of ten he owns a spittoon that hasn't been emptied since the Clinton administration.
Annoying habits:
Leaving half-eaten bowl of mac and cheese under the couch for months, forgetting to flush the toilet the day after a late-night Taco Bell run, "borrowing" your clothes without permission, constant case of contagious foot problems such as athlete's foot or plantar warts.
Dishwashing abilities:
If you live with this guy be sure to stock up on paper plates and plastic forks because he has never met a glass, plastic or ceramic material that he didn't think would make a perfect petri dish for his disgusting bacteria culturing experiments.
Security deposit risk:
HIGH - The odds of you getting back one penny of your deposit are slim to none with this guy as your roommate as unremovable odors and fecal stained walls tend to be frowned upon by property managers.
Rent paying capabilities:
MODERATE - If he can find his checkbook, he's pretty good at coming through on rent. If he can't find it, it may be months before he finally does.
Standard conversation:
Hey man, what's that fucking smell coming from your room?
I don't smell anything.
How can you not smell that? It smells like a decomposing Eastern European in there.
I dunno.
Jesus man, you're unbeliveab- hey, is that my fucking shirt?
Oh, yeah, I borrowed it. Mine were all dirty.
What the fuck is that shit all over it?
Yeah, sorry about that. I fell asleep on my bed eating raspberries.
Raspberries? Are you shitting me?
What? I like raspberries.
Overall Coexistence Rating:
4 - He may be a really cool guy, or perhaps he's funny as fuck, but goddamn is he a disgusting mess to live with. It is astounding that in this day and age a human being can choose to live this way, but he's living, smelling proof that it's possible.
 THE NEAT FREAK
With an eye on cleanliness and a strong dose of OCD, The Neat Freak is the antithesis of The Slob. He'll clean under the couch once a week and ensure that not a single layer of dust ever manages to settle upon any surfaces within the walls of your shared dwelling. While these things are nice in moderation, he has the innate ability to make what should be a nice, normal collegiate living arrangement feel like being imprisoned with Martha Stuart.
Annoying habits:
Playing the martyr ("I guess I'll clean up... again."), expecting you to be equally insane when it comes to wood polish, constant furniture rearrangement, being a Nazi about coaster use on the shitty Pier One coffee table.
Dishwashing abilities:
Second to none. Not only are the dishes so clean that the enamel is nearly worn off, but The Neat Freak will not allow any dish to sit in the sink for more than thirty minutes. While this can be great, in a place with shitty plumbing it can be a real hassle when you're in the shower.
Security deposit risk:
ZERO - There is a very good chance your landlord will return your deposit plus a tip once this guy gets done with the move out.
Rent paying capabilities:
SOLID - You can count on a neatly penned check with the corresponding month written in the memo placed symmetrically behind a magnet on the refrigerator on the first of every month. You can also be confident that there is no way the check would have been issued if there was any chance of it bouncing against the diligently balanced account.
Standard conversation:
Dude, have you seen my shoes?
Yes, I put them in your closet. You left them under the coffee table again.
Right. And my keys?
On the rack.
Gotcha. Oh, and what about my...
Backpack? On the hook behind your door. You left it on the table again.
But I was just going to be a minute.
That's a minute too long to have something out of place.
Overall Coexistence Rating:
7 - While it's nice to have a live-in maid as a roommate, the expectations of reciprocation can be overbearing at times. Despite that fact, it is nice to never have to worry about cleaning up after yourself, and if you've ever roomed with The Slob, you'll no doubt find The Neat Freak a welcome change.
 THE INTROVERT
From his reluctance to talk about himself to his padlock on the door of his room, The Introvert is a tough nut to crack. It's hard to say what dark secrets have driven him to his state of social withdraw, but it's safe to say you probably don't want to know what they are. After all, this guy sleeps in the same place as you do at night. Do you really want to find out that he's a second cousin to Charles Manson?
Annoying habits:
Disappearing, not communicating, hiding, not being straight forward when you ask him if he's plotting to kill you.
Dishwashing abilities:
He may be great or he may be terrible. You'll never know because he washes all of his own dishes in his bathroom sink.
Security deposit risk:
VARIES - You're fine assuming that his personal projects are clean in nature, but you never know what to expect. If it turns out he's a chemist or a Jackson Pollock imitator you could be in big trouble come inspection time.
Rent paying capabilities:
MODERATE - In most cases you can count on a check being slipped under the door of his bedroom, but depending on the depths of his self-internalization, you may have to remind him what day of the month it is.
Standard conversation:
Hey man, what's going on?
(silence)
I said, what's up?
(silence)
Going to your room, huh?
(silence)
That's cool. I was thinking of going to my room at some point too.
(silence)
Hey man, what do you do in there anyhow? I'll be you masturbate a lot.
(door slams shut)
I've got some good porn you could borrow if you want.
(silence)
Just let me know. Anytime, you hear?
(silence)
Overall Coexistence Rating:
8 - Assuming you have friends of your own and he's one of the good ones when it comes to paying rent, living with The Introvert isn't so bad. However, if he's a big knife collector and seems fond of human physiology, you may find yourself having trouble sleeping at night.
@@PageBreak@@ THE "MUSICIAN"
This fucker thinks he's doing you a favor by picking up his guitar and butchering various three-chord classic rock songs. You've tried being polite, you've tried being rude, but now it's time to stage a B&E and take all that fucker's shit down to the pawn shop so you can get some peace and quit.
Annoying habits:
Being tone deaf, playing guitar, being talentless, playing harmonica, referring to Bob Marley as Bob and Dave Mathews as Dave, performing Jimmy Buffett songs, thinking that playing his guitar is going to get him laid.
Dishwashing abilities:
He insists that washing dishes is extremely harmful to his cuticles and that they jeopardize the carefully formed calluses on his fingertips. You buy him some dishwashing gloves and tell him to stop being such a fucking pussy.
Security deposit risk:
LOW - Even if he trashes the place, his shitty equipment should draw enough cash in the secondary market to make up for any losses he puts on you. Beware the punk rocker version of The Musician as he will tend to prove how hardcore he is by drinking large quantities of bourbon, then putting holes in the walls with his used Fender Squire.
Rent paying capabilities:
MODERATE - Despite his dream of playing gigs for rent money, he actually does okay on tips at his waiting job. The only trouble comes when the local music shop has a sale and he decides that it's time to upgrade his gear.
Standard conversation:
Dude, fuck, don't pick up the guitar.
What? I'm just gonna rock some Floyd.
Don't you mean 'butcher' some Floyd?
Very funny asshole. Just cause you can't play.
Hey, at least I'm aware of the fact.
Fuck you. You're just jealous.
Yeah, jealous of my buddies with non-guitar playing roommates.
Fine, I'll put it down. You happy now?
Like you'll never know.
Asshole.
Overall Coexistence Rating:
6 - When he's not playing an instrument he's usually okay, but when he is he's your worst nightmare. Earplugs and a solid stereo system in your room are the best line of defense should you find yourself in this living arrangement. Either that, or invite Pete Townsend over for an evening of guitar smashing and kiddie porn.
 THE WIERDO
This guy may seem normal to the outside world, but when you get a glimpse into his private life what you see may well shock and terrify you. Still, there are some obvious warning signs such as the senior living in the dorms, the overly effeminate "straight" guy and the tendency to laugh manically for no good reason. This roommate can make for a very uncomfortable living situation and should be avoided at all costs.
Annoying habits:
Waking you up at 4:00am for sandwiches and chocolate milk, scaring off every girl you bring home with you by simply being his normal self, entering the bathroom to brush his teeth while you are taking a shit, stealing your underwear to use for materials in his quilting class.
Dishwashing abilities:
Since he prefers to eat all of his meals with his hands, this isn't too much of a problem, though it can be disturbing to sit across from him when he orders spaghetti. However, his bare handed scooping of Ramen noodles can be quite entertaining if the water is hot enough.
Security deposit risk:
HIGH - He tends to leave every bedroom he's ever had stained with a combination of cooking oils, motor oils and the blood of various species. And while this means you have little or no chance of seeing your deposit again, you can take comfort in knowing that at least the days of chainsaw animal slaughters in the room next to yours have finally come to an end.
Rent paying capabilities:
LOW - His tendency to forget the century he's in carries over when it comes time to pay the rent. If you're lucky, he's the deranged product of a well-to-do family that pays him off to go to college and stay out of their life. If not, he's he product of an impoverished family that has sent him out into the world with the assistance of financial aid, which he decided to spend on a hundred yards of rayon fabric instead of rent.
Standard conversation:
Dude, why are you wearing lipstick...and where are your pants?
It's Tuesday!
Right. So, uh, are you going to put some pants on or what?
Never! They are too restricting!
Okay, well would you mind taking it to your room? I've got some buddies coming by.
Fantastic! I'll throw Jello at them!
You're fucking insane, you know that?
By brother is half-penguin, half-man!
Is that a...do you have a carrot in your ass?
I'll see you at the tomato march!
Overall Coexistence Rating:
2 - There is some entertainment value in this guy and he does make for great campfire stories in your future, but until you are far removed from living with him he is a nightmare. If you find yourself in this situation, look to get out any way you can, and if that means having him institutionalized, then so be it. Society will be forever indebted to you.
 MR. NO BOUNDRIES
This is the guy that you find masturbating on the couch in the living room and defends himself by saying, "What? I got the lights dimmed." He's the guy that will strip naked if he hears a car drive by that is playing Nelly's "Hot In Here." He's also the guy that will go way too far with his physical displays of how un-homophobic he is. He may be fun at a party, but as a roommate he's a catastrophe.
Annoying habits:
Tea bagging you when you're passed out, being way too descriptive when sharing sexual exploits, videotaping you in the shower as a "gag", watching hardcore porn in the presence of guests.
Dishwashing abilities:
His ability to wash dishes is not the issue. It's his ability to wash dishes when he's fully clothed. No matter how hard a person scrubs, if they're nude when the wash dishes, they'll never truly be clean.
Security deposit risk:
LOW - Excessive nudity and pornographic excess may be annoying to live with, but as long as the next tenant isn't aware of it, it doesn't taint the property. However, to those in the know, the property has been "tainted" all over the place from his drunken "tainting" of door handles, appliances and portions of the wall below three feet.
Rent paying capabilities:
MODERATE - While he'd give you the shirt off his back, it's not because he wants you to keep warm, it's because he wants to be shirtless. The same is true when it comes to rent. As long as he can swing it, rent is no problem. However, when he is fired from his job as a short order cook for including pubic hair stubble in the pesto sauce, there's a good chance you'll find yourself on the wrong end of an eviction notice.
Standard conversation:
Aww, man, could you put some pants on?
Dude, you wanna see 'The Kite'?
No man, just put that thing away.
How about 'The Wristwatch'?
No, I don't want to-
Know what time it is? It's dick-o-clock! Ha!
Fuck man, can we just go one day without the penis puppetry?
I'm afraid not. Hey, look, 'The Yo-Yo'.
Jesus man, doesn't that hurt?
You get used to it.
(he may, but you never do)
Overall Coexistence Rating:
3 - Due to the unpredictable nature of his behavior and constant invasions of privacy, Mr. No Boundaries is far from the ideal roommate, unless you live in a frat house. Then he's just a wacky guy.
 THE ROOMMATE'S GIRLFRIEND
This can go three ways (not like that, unless of course your living room has velvet drapes). One, she likes to cook, clean and do everyone's laundry, but that only never happens to you. Two, she's quite and unassuming and leaves everyone alone, but again, you're never that fortunate. No, in your case it's always the third option- it's the girl who watches your TV and eats your food while talking long distance on your phone. She'll use up all the hot water in the shower and run up the electric bill something awful with her disdain for turning off lights and her mega-watt blow dryer. The worst part of it all is that your roommate can't stand her either, but he's too much of a pussy to give up a sure thing every night, so you're stuck.
Annoying habits:
Existing, converting the bathroom into a virtual cosmetic store, complaining about what a mess the place is and doing nothing about it, moving her cat in with her, not paying a penny of goddamned rent.
Dishwashing abilities:
A major contributor to the dirtying of the dishes, she's all too quick to pull the "I don't live here" card when the time comes. It is perfectly acceptable to call her a cunt in this event.
Security deposit risk:
HIGH - She didn't pitch in on it, so what does she care if she clogs your shower drain with her nappy-ass hair or destroys your carpet with her nappy-ass cat.
Rent paying capabilities:
ZERO - Oh, she may be capable, but she won't pay one cent of rent. Even a polite request to chip in on pizza is met with an icy stare of expectation. This is why you don't care if she gets cancer someday.
Standard conversation:
Hey, where's Ryan?
At class.
Oh. So, uh, what are you doing here?
Watching TV.
Right. And eating my Chinese I see.
Didn't have your name on it.
No, it didn't. Why should it? IT'S MY FUCKING HOUSE!
Jesus, calm down.
No, you calm down!
Asshole.
Bitch.
Jerk!
Whore!
Overall Coexistence Rating:
0 - Most people don't choose to live in a swamp filled with leeches, and so most people don't. However, when it comes to this leech, sometimes you don't have a choice. On the upside, you do get to learn what it is like to truly hate another human being, but that's about it. Anne from Cherry Creek, Colorado, this is dedicated to you.
 THE COMPLETE AND TOTAL JACKASS
This guy is a...well, he's a complete and total jackass. He comes in many different forms, from the guy who bases all of his political viewpoints on Rage Against the Machine's positions (up to and including the Free Peltier banner in the window) to the guy that thinks he's amazing because he can rap along to Bone Thugs harmonically. Either way he's a tool and an embarrassment to your household.
Annoying habits:
Talking about his "wild" high school days, endlessly declaring "I'm Rick James bitch!", rooting for the Yankees even though he grew up a thousand miles from New York, overusing the term "douche bag", wanting to keep in touch.
Dishwashing abilities:
He'll do them, but is incapable of getting them remotely clean, which is quite odd because it takes him twice as long as it takes you. Crust, soap scum and occasionally what appears to be fresh guacamole cake what he claims to be washed dishes.
Security deposit risk:
LOW - Even if there's damage, his need for acceptance will usually lead him to take the blame and reach into his (or his parent's) pocketbook and cover the difference. The downside is that you may actually be bound to keep in touch if you accept the offer.
Rent paying capabilities:
HIGH - Because you are the closest thing he has to a friend since everyone else in his life can just walk away when he starts talking to them, he has a vested interest in paying rent on time and retaining his captive audience.
Standard conversation:
What's up man?
What up broseph?
Yeah, uh, nothing. I'm gonna go out for a bit.
O-Kay!
What?
WHAT!
Dude, what the fuck?
You know, from Chappelle? Tiny John or whatever?
Yeah, whatever man.
I'm Rick James bitch!
Still with that?
I'm in a glass case of emotion!
That's it, I'm outta here.
Overall Coexistence Rating:
5 - He's an idiot, but he's tolerable in most cases. If he's too over the top, you actually become The Introvert of the household just to get away from him. Nonetheless, he's hardly the worst of the bunch. In fact, if there was some way you could make him a mute without physically ripping his larynx from his throat (which you have considered doing many times), he'd actually be a great roommate.
 THE GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD
Once in a while, when the cosmos align just right, you find yourself in the presence of a truly great human being that you call a roommate. One who is 21 and doesn't mind buying beers for his underage buddies. One who works at a pizza place and always remembers to bring home enough free food for everyone. One who has a way with the ladies and always makes sure to line up some trim for his boys. One who you will come to know as The Greatest Guy in the World.
Annoying habits:
Being so awesome that he reminds you of what a piece of shit your last roommate was, making you feel bad about yourself because he donated ten times as much as you did to The Red Cross after Katrina, reminding you (through actions, not words) that you will never be as good of a person as he is.
Dishwashing abilities:
Spectacular. He never complains about it and never only does the ones he dirtied. In fact, his willingness to do them makes you feel bad and so in turn you wind up pulling more than your weight, and being okay with it.
Security deposit risk:
NON-EXISTANT - He has an uncle that is a real estate attorney and assures you that if there are any problems, he can make a call and they'll get all their money back plus an apology for the hassling.
Rent paying capabilities:
FANTASTIC - He will offer to float you an interest free loan if you're a bit short, even if it's just to help you avoid the embarrassing call home to ask the folks for cash. His rent check is on the community board a week before it's due, as he says, just in case he should be disabled or killed, he doesn't want his boys to be hung out to dry.
Standard conversation:
Hey man, what's going on?
Just hooking up this surround sound.
Cool!
You want a beer? I picked up a twelver. They're in the fridge.
Thanks!
Oh, and I hope you don't mind, but Jen's coming by tonight.
That's cool.
And don't worry, she's bringing friends. Some of them are hotter than her.
Awesome.
And from what I hear they're what I like to call 'morally loose'.
But not...
No, just morally. They're tight everywhere else.
Dude, you are the best roommate ever.
I'm just me.
Overall Coexistence Rating:
11 - It doesn't get any better, but unfortunately, it doesn't get any better. Every roommate you have from here on out will pale in comparison to him. Sometimes you wish you had never roomed with him, if only so you wouldn't know how good it could be. Then you realize he's just a dude and you get over it.
 THE "DAVE"
The "Dave" only applies to the house with multiple roommates rather than two or three roommate situations. He is the guy that just shows up one day and crashes on the sofa, then never seems to go away. It is rare than anyone knows who he is or where he came from let alone when he's planning on leaving.
Annoying habits:
Hogging the couch, not ever leaving, watching Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown at extremely high volumes, drinking all the beers in the fridge, never identifying himself.
Dishwashing abilities:
Since he only gets off the couch to steal beers and food from your fridge, dishes are not anywhere on his radar. However, on rare occasions you'll return to find all the dishes washed, but when you ask him if he did it he'll just shrug and go back to napping.
Security deposit risk:
LOW - He's relatively harmless in that department, though if you have a sofa of any value, kiss your resale value goodbye once this guys sets up camp for his multi-week stay.
Rent paying capabilities:
ZERO - Unless you count the change he leaves on the coffee table when he finally disappears, he's not good for any rent at all. The good thing is that the change is more than you ever expected out of him.
Standard conversation:
Hey, bro. Buddy, you awake?
(unintelligible)
Pal, can you hear me?
Wha?
Hey, dude, who the fuck are you?
(unintelligible)
Yo, chief. What are you doing here?
Huh?
You don't live here.
Yeah.
When are you planning on leaving?
Huh?
Ah, fuck it. Nevermind.
Overall Coexistence Rating:
7 - Unless you really like falling asleep on the couch watching TV at night, he's really not that bad. If nothing else, he makes an interesting mystery for you and your other roommates to try and solve. Figuring out just who the hell he is and who's responsible for his presence in your home can literally provide minutes of entertainment for all involved. And then, just like that, (poof) he's gone.
*****
So that's what I got. Now it's your turn. Let's hear what you got.
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