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COLUMNS
ULTIMATE11 DIRTY PENNSYLVANIA TOWN NAMES
by: JIM FATH
We are all, essentially still children. And that includes Jim Fath and Rick Falcon. True, we are larger now, we are 30, and like most adults we have jobs and car payments and parole officers, but we really aren't much different from when we were kids. Our sense of humors have become just slightly more refined in that the sight of Jim Carrey pretending to talk out of his butthole used to thrill us to the point of exhaustion, but now merely mildly amuses us.
But there are some types of juvenile humor that have never nor will ever lose their entertainment value for us. A well timed elevator fart. Video of a skater kid breaking his collarbone while attempting some gay trick on a railing outside of a library. And of course, very fat people trying to perform every day tasks to no avail.
But above all these admittedly sophomoric pleasures is our passion for inappropriately named towns and state parks. I remember the sheer joy that swept over me as a child when traveling through Southern Ohio on our way to go camping, (AKA poor family vacation) on the Mohican River. About a half mile before arriving at our nine dollar camp site, we would pass a campground called camp Twodick.
This was the single most hilarious thing that my young eyes had ever seen. And it still hasn't stopped being funny to me. If I passed that place right now, I would start laughing, and then try to wrestle the signpost out of the ground to keep as a souvenir until a ranger shooed me off.
We're certain you're aware that this great country of ours in brimming with hilarious town names. There's a "Boneville Georgia" and a "French Lick Indiana". And one can't help but wonder what myopic settlers named these towns without thinking twice about their dual meaning And who are these stalwart citizens that continue to live in places such as "Onacock Virginia" despite the constant razzing they undoubtedly receive from the benignly named neighboring town of Greenville?
For whatever reason, Pennsylvania seems to have an outright glut of sexually-named towns. It's almost as if the first settlers there were frat guys, and the Sigma Chis just went apeshit, naming towns solely to try to make their "brothers for life" laugh. And who was going to stop them? The Amish or the Quakers?
Now, of course we realize that just rattling off eleven PA towns with funny names wouldn't really make for much of a list. So we took the extra step of going online, finding some phone numbers for each town, and prank-calling a resident. We figured if we were going to go "high school humor", we might as well go all the way.
As it turns out, prank calling people is way harder than we remembered. And we still can't figure out whether we've gotten really bad at pranking since we were 14 due to a lack of practice, or whether we were always really bad and just didn't realize it back then. Regardless, some of these are pretty lame, and we fully admit that. But they are all genuine. Enjoy!
1 Beaver Falls, PA
The word Beaver is hilarious because it also means vagina. You could tell that the guy at this Bowling Alley was used to having teens call him and harass him based upon this fact.
2 Reamstown, PA
It took Jim a little while to get to the joke in this one, but eventually it paid off as far as we're concerned. Notice that Jim affects different accents through all of these for some reason, as if someone might recognize his voice if he doesn't.
@@PageBreak@@ 3 Climax, PA
We couldn't get a solid number for a place in Climax, so we had to settle for some place that was listed as Climax's best pizza joint, right outside of Climax. On a side note, we're pretty sure that the girl on the phone was ready to party and would have let us have sex with her if we asked her.
4 Lickdale, PA
The Lickdale campground's staff is clueless.
5 Blue Ball, PA
No shit. There's a place called Blue Ball Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, when we called the Blue Ball Bed and Breakfast, we fucked up and didn't record the first half of a funny phone call. The painful part was when we realized this halfway through and had to rehash everything all over again with this poor guy. This was the only one we actually felt kind of bad about because the dude was just trying to get some business for the Blue Ball and we think he was genuinely hurt. Ah well.
6 Moreheadsville, PA
Again, we found a lot of addresses but no solid phone numbers for Moreheadsville, so we worked with what we had.
@@PageBreak@@ 7 Gobbler's Knob, PA
Made famous by the Bill Murray cinematic romp "Groundhog's Day", a place called "Gobbler's Knob" is simply asking for it.
8 Beaverdale, PA
More Beaver! The golf course in Beaverdale has us locked in for an outing.
9 Middlesex, PA
The flaming concierge at this hotel in Middlesex picked up on the fact that we were being dicks about 3/4's of the way through, but was so gay and bored that he decided to just keep rolling with it because he had nothing the fuck else to do.
10 Intercourse, PA
The beauty of this one is hearing the Christian woman's slow realization that Jim wants to bang a hooker or two at her hotel.
11 Fucking Austria or Kunt Iraq.
So this was the plan... Call some hotel in Tarsdorf Austria and ask about taking a day trip to Fucking. We made two international calls to two different hotels and, alas, they don't speak English. We'd call Kunt Iraq but we JUST got off of the homeland security watch list because Rick's guitar has what looks like Sanskrit on it. It's actually a series of cigarette burns.
Here's the call we made to Austria. It two seconds long, it sucks and it's expensive. Here Jim says, in very broken German, "I don't understand German, do you speak English" To which the man on the line says "?No" So Jim says "Shit" and hang up... That's it.
The most expensive prank call ever and there was not even a prank.
From the BEST daily humor
magazine on the web:
www.thephatphree.com
Read this article online at: www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3902&SectionID=15