From the BEST daily humor magazine
on the web:
www.thephatphree.com
Read this article online at:
www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3924&SectionID=15
| COLUMNS | ||||
|
|
|||
Our plan was simple; we'd listen to nothing but radio for a week and see what we found. On day two Rick contemplated suicide and Jim destroyed his stereo, clock radio, and his Toyota factory cassette stereo. So after only after a days worth of listening we present to you following list: The Ultimate 11 Radio Formats Local Sports Talk DJ This poor bastard has to fill three hours, every day, even during baseball season. And you can only interview a relief pitcher so many times. That means he has to fill the majority of the time taking calls from moron sports fans. He doesn't want to sound completely rude when they call in with completely ridiculous trade scenarios that would never happen and retarded commentary about last night's game. But you can hear his contempt for these mouth-breathers grow with each passing day. Classic Rock DJ Would it kill you to mix it up a little, Classic Rock DJ? Did you know that Pink Floyd, AC/DC, and Rush have an extensive catalog of songs to choose from? Feel free to play as many as you like and not just the same four every hour on the hour. Seriously, I can set my watch to Ted Nugent "Strangle Hold" Oldies Format This is pretty much the same as the Classic Rock station with an added 30-40 years to the age of the average listener. Somehow this station always finds ways to remind it's listeners that they are near death with constant benchmarks like "On this date in 1963 the number one song was..." or by filling you in on birthdays of people you thought were dead like Peter Tork and Del Shannon along side birthdays of people that are actually dead like Richie Valens, Sonny Bono soon to be you. Classical Music DJ This guy has the cherriest DJ job in the biz. Each song lasts about four hours, giving him time to complete at least 12 sudokus every day. Plus there's no pressure if he screws something up, because no one is listening any ways. @@PageBreak@@ Latino Format I don't know what you're saying and part of me is glad. In between songs that sound like my grandma's old polka records to songs that sound like my grandma's old polka records as played by a merry-go-round, there is a lot of yelling and sound clips all in Spanish. But since I don't understand a word I'm going to assuming it's as bad as telemundo. ..I'm sorry, I meant"TELEMUUUUUUUUDOOOOOOO!!!!" Nation Public Radio NPR gives you the best of both worlds. The relevant news that you could easily find in a myriad of other media outlets coupled with some of the most random and pointless news you'd swear they were making up as a joke. But they're not. And it's all thanks to "listeners like you...And a charitable donation from the CHUBB Group." College Station DJ This kid isn't even trying. I know this is a learning experience, but could you at least put forth a little effort, College DJ? Has anything ever gone right on your pretentious little shit show? Air America DJ Here's a clip from the latest Air America Show! Urban/Hip Hop DJ's For some reason this station keeps a bass line going in the background at ALL times. We don't know if it's a busted sequencer or what but weather, sports, and even traffic are all backed by the fattest of bass. For other some reason at least one if not both of the DJ's are always shouting. The Morning Show Rounding off our list is the most spent and overdone format of all, the Morning Radio Show. This is by far the saddest show anywhere on the dial, satellite or not. Morning radio is a seemingly endless and aimless bout of chatter. Even though the typical morning radio show is only billed as a 2-3 person format there is always roughly 7 to 9 people in the studio at any given time. This grouping is usually comprised of the following set of sad people: 1-2 Alpha types generally thought of as the "ring leader" of this merry band of morons. 1 side kick that's there merely to echo everything the alpha(s) say 1 producer who spent four years in college learning the craft of radio only to end up screening calls for the "Fart of the Day" contest 1 sad and utterly desperate intern usually reserved for bottom of the barrel antics like "Coming up next our Intern Scott drinks a shot glass of his own cum on the air. On the morning Mad House" 2-3 extra people that chime in every once in a while and you're not really sure if they are getting paid or even if they are supposed to be there. But there they are chiming in to remind the host(s) that it was Barry Williams that played Greg on the Brady Bunch or any other trivial odds and ends they feel compelled to chime in on. 
|
www.thephatphree.com
Read this article online at: www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3924&SectionID=15