We've got two Ultimate 11s today. Jim and Rick got theirs in late, so I wrote one real quick just to make sure we had one for today. Now we have two. Lucky for you.

In honor of Fisher Price's recall of 83 toys due to their paint containing too much lead ("Boo-fuckin-hoo. I can't feel my hands after I play with Elmo, and I want to fight you even though all my joints ache."), we take a look at the Ultimate 11 Most Dangerous Gifts for Kids. This isn't a list of the most dangerous toys of all-time. That list has already been done, and frankly, if your kids can't survive a game of lawn jarts, perhaps it's better they don't breed.

11. A Bicycle



If you really want your kid to fuck himself up, you don't need lead paint. Just get him a bike. Once you take the training wheels off, it's a matter of days before little Johnny is jumping over ditches, creeks, other kids, or a gas fueled bonfire. When you find him building a ramp out of some rotten plywood he found in woods, it won't be long before you're taking a trip to the emergency room. Especially if little Johnny is a girl…


10. A McDonald's Birthday Party



Nothing says, "I don't love you that much" like a McDonald's birthday party. It's also a great way to teach your kids to treat food as way to reward themselves. When you factor in the therapy and insulin shots your fat, miserable teenager will need, Micky D's doesn't seem like such a bargain.


9. A Magic Set

(Don't watch all of this. You get the picture after about 30 seconds.)


Most kids grow out of this kind of bullshit early on, but why risk it. What if your kid decides he loves magic? What if his fascination transforms into a love of Tolkien and Dungeons and Dragons? Then he decides he wants to be like Criss Angel, and you have to figure out a way to dispose of an 10-year-old's corpse. Nothing good can come from a magic set.


8. A Sparkler



I know, a sparkler seems pretty innocuous, but it's not. Sparklers are the gateway to fireworks, and we all know that fireworks bring out the hillbilly in you. If you think back to the dumbest thing you've ever done, I guarantee that one of four things was involved: your penis, a car, gasoline, or fireworks. Just watch these idiots blow up their kitchen…



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7. Action Figures



Action figures are dolls. Period. What happens when your son spends all his time dressing up dolls with no genitals? This:




6. Video Games



Uh…yeah.


5. Attention



Paying attention to your kids makes them think that other people give a fuck what they think. This is of course not true. The sooner they learn this, the better.
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4. A Microscope



You're kid is not a fucking scientist. He's either going to start murdering animals so he can look at their corpses at 1000X, or he going put the microscope in the closet forever. On the off chance he really gets into the microscope, he'll need it to look at the minuscule chance of getting laid before he turns 25.


3. Timeout

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What the fuck is a timeout? When a kid is bad you whoop his punk ass. It's worked for a million years. I'm no child psychologist, but all I need to do is look at spoiled, entitled morons who grew up in this generation of timeouts to know that shit don't work. Kids need to learn that the consequence to being a pain in the ass is a pain in the ass.


2. Cash



I just wanted an excuse to use this clip. That kid cracks me up.


1. Heroin



Once you do heroin, it's pretty much all downhill from there. Kids should really have that to look forward to later in life.