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It goes without saying that most cops are assholes and, in their defense, they have to be. The hours and pay are usually shit; you have to deal with the absolute dregs of society; plus there's that gay ass uniform complete with matching Ford Taurus. So yeah, we see how you might have a chip on your shoulder "Officer Friendly". But some officers take it too far. Just ask twenty year old Missouri resident Brett Darrow. Brett had his camera rolling when a St. Louis police officer pulled up behind him in a parking lot last month and proceeded to intimidate him and even threaten him with potentially fabricated charges. Here is the 13 minute clip via you tube. Now while Brett might be a little paranoid to have a mouted security camera rolling while he drives we do admire his tenacity albeit momentary in dealing with officer dickbag. Both Rick and I would have opted to just sit there powerless and let the cop yell at us for 10 minutes as we've done 100's of times before. The secret is in being patronizing but not TOO patronizing. You just sit there nodding and repeating "Yes sir", "No sir", and "I wasn't aware my genitals were visible to those High School girls sir." (Impressive Rick) Still though it's really not fair to say ALL cops are assholes when there are so many different kids of cops and assholes out there. So this week Rick and I thought we'd break it down as best we could as we present the Ultimate 11 Asshole Cops: An Asshole Matrix for Members of Law Enforcement.* *We fully realize that we are giant pussies who are basically blogging about something instead of standing up for ourselves. This is one in a many long line of that. Are you honestly surprised? Anyway on with the list... Auxiliary Police  Coming in at number one are the saddest cops of all. The Auxiliary Police. These guys are rarely assholes. In fact in most cases they're very nice are just glad to have someone to talk to as they get stuck sitting somewhere for hours on end. These sad sacks get stuck directing traffic, patting down concert goers' and sitting at the all night counter a Dennys to make sure the teens don't get out of hand at 3 am. They even sometimes seat people if the hostess is busy. No lie, we've seen it. Someone tell us if we should have tipped him. Transit Police  We've never been exactly sure what these guys do as we've never had to deal with them before. We're assuming they aren't huge assholes as they are probably not exceptionally busy most of the time. We're guessing that if you rob, rape, or murder someone at a bus stop, train station, or subway platform this is who you call. "Hey you, with the counterfeit bus transfer! FREZE!!" County Sheriff in Municipalities  In some big cities with large police departments the sheriff's office is typically delegated the task of transporting prisoners to and from court, prison, and elsewhere. For that reason these "Glorified Bailiffs" are usually pretty nice folks. Once in a while on TV you'll see a courtroom outburst where some of these rotund Teddy Bears with guns have to restrain someone. It's usually the only time these guys have to be assholes. To their defense if you had to put down your coffee and paper to wrestle some irate drug dealer you'd probably be an asshole about it too. @@PageBreak@@ Military Police  According to Rick, who served in the Army, it takes a special kind of asshole to want to enforce rules, regulations and disciplines in the endless sea of military rules, regulations, and disciplines. We'll cut them some slack though as everyone they deal with is in camouflage and has a gun. Municipal Police Officers  The Asshole chip is a little higher here as these guys do issue citations but sometimes they will have to let you go with a warning when they get a called away on back up or if they get shot at while you're pulled over. (Happens a lot in Detroit) These cops usually work long hours and deal with all kinds of Human Garbage. You can kinda feel sorry for them in their shitty rides too. Their cars are from a motor pool which probably hasn't seem a budget increase in the past 20 years so it might have some missing parts and/or fucked up paint jobs and lights. Maybe offer to fix the trim on their '92 Impala if you think you might get out of the ticket. These guys can be assholes but usually not Raging Assholes County Sherriff in a small town  The asshole meter is climbing ever higher as we reach the small town Sherriff. There's nothing quite like having to stop in the middle of Jerk Water USA to deal with Rosco P. Coltrane and his merry band of dick bags. You are doomed when you meet this guy and here's why. There's nothing going on in this town... ever. So you and your out-of-state plates doing 70 in a 55 are about as exciting as the time the Lynyrd Skynyrd Tour Bus broke down on Route 8 in back in 76. Oh sure! They'll tell you all about it over pie at the Waffle House...also on Route 8. (Fucking great Hash Browns... Might be worth it) Traffic Safety A.K.A. Meter Maids.  When you see the GED graduate with the florescent smock checking out the parking meter by your car it's panic time. These people are assholes and a half. Getting out of a ticket once they start writing is next to impossible. Almost as impossible as the Police exam must have seemed to them.... Yeah... We both have a shit load of parking tickets. Suburban Police Officers  These guys are a few Asshole notches above their County Sheriff counterparts listed above because not only is nothing going on in the suburbs these guys would have you believe there actually is. "How do we know you aren't dealing drugs?" one suburban police officer asked me while I was quitely parked in a parking lot by myself. I replied "Why would I sell drugs in the parking lot of a Bennigans?" Actually that's a lie. I just sat there and let him yell at me, and then later I enjoyed some delicious Bennigans. Ok that's a lie too... Jim works at Bennigans and may or may not smoke up with his bus boys. @@PageBreak@@ Campus Police  Our Asshole meter is nearly to the max with these campus buzz kills. We don't envy fact that they have to deal with drunken 18 year olds 24x7 but then again nobody with a flimsy baton and a shitty Radio Shack CB should be able to pull so many power trips in one night. Here is a short mini list of everything we've ever heard and ever wanted to say to our respective campus police and naturally didn't because we're giant pussies. Campus Police "We got a complaint about the noise" Rick: "Oh really? Was it from my neighbor that's blaring "Mo Money Mo Problems" right now or my other neighbor that's has Dave Mathews on Heavy Play every fucking minute of every day in an attempt to get laid. You're probably right this STP is way too loud." (remember we went to college in 1995) Campus Police "Weve gotten numerous complaints about a party" Jim: "Really? Someone called and complained about my party? Was it my neighbor over there who has a couch bonfire brewing in his front yard or my other neighbor that is currently "keg bowling" with Chevette on his front lawn right now? As we speak."(I miss college) State Troopers/Highway Patrolman Glorious Picture below Well if you've ever been pulled over on a state Highway you have our utmost sympathy. Odds are that you've seen one of these crew cut assholes in person and lord what a sight to behold. These guys are the biggest assholes around. Hands down... Bar none. In terms of their role they're almost perfect assholes. They're not bogged down with other duties like responding to actual criminal complaints like city cops, and they don't have any lulls like the small town sheriffs. It's perfect. They just sit there and harass people all day. The 70's show CHIPS would have you believe that there is much more to being on the Highway Patrol than speed traps and hassling truckers for hauling over their axel weight but really is there? Oh wait, they do help people stranded on the side of the road. You know those helpless buxom ladies that probably already have AAA....Yep... you guessed it. Both Rick and Jim have changed their tires in the rain on many a freeway. Fuck off State Trooper Guy!  #11 The Police  Coming in at the coveted number eleven spot is The Police. This smug band from England gets more mileage out of their rifts than their riffs. 20 years later when Andrew Copeland and douchebag supreme Andy Summers ran low on cash apparently a reunion was in order. Since neither of us could afford tickets we'll just write them off as assumed assholes. Notables that didn't make the cut because they're too sad Bike Cops, Saftey Cops, and COP Rock So there's your list. Please proceed to point out that the Police are our friends and the thin blue line between chaos and anarchy and how your brother in-law is a cop and he's not like that etc etc. We know there was no videos in this week's 11 but stay tuned for the next weeks Ultimate 11 which is loaded with video. The Ultimate 11 Stand Up Comics. 
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