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SCOTT PLAYER IS SUPER AWESOME-LOOKING

by: JUAN TURLINGTON

Lookin' good, Scott.
Dear NFL Fans,

The NFL season has barely gotten underway, yet all voting has been halted for the NFL's Most Awesome-Looking Player Award. Experts and fans have agreed that the race would be too one-sided and that any further running of the contest would only insult humanity and needlessly spread violence throughout America. The unanimous champion of looking awesome this year in the National Football League is Scott Player, a veteran punter who signed with the Cleveland Browns only two weeks ago.

It is fantastically joyous to gaze upon Scott Player. He is the only player to still sport the single-bar, "My face needs no protection in a sport where faces get ripped off" facemask. On top of this, he has decided to grow a Hulk Hogan handlebar mustache.

"I knew that the facemask wouldn't be enough to truly exemplify how fucking righteous I am," Player declared at an early morning press conference. "I went through a ton of ideas. I almost settled on a reflective shield that stretched from my helmet to my single bar and made me look like Cobra Commander. Then I realized that it was all about facial hair, and since I'm clinically insane, a bleached-blonde handlebar mustache seemed like the right choice."

If mustaches could talk, his would speak Awesomenese.
The mustache and facemask, combined with his enormously-sized head have fallen into place to set the standard for looking awesome in today's NFL.

"A lot of my teammates said that I should have affixed a gigantic yellow dildo to the top of my helmet as well," commented Player after receiving news of his award. "I'll have to check with NFL regulations, though, the dildo may have to be brown or orange."

We asked Player how he felt about some of his teammates commenting that he is an "enormous douchebag" and that he looks like "a player created on a video game by a retarded kid with brain herpes." Player just laughed off the comments and began drawing tiny footballs on his helmet with lipstick. "I can't help it if I know what it takes to look super cool on Sunday afternoon," he added.

Just take it in, nice and slowly.
Player was further unscathed when he was told of more comments from "jealous" players on his team. One undisclosed teammate remarked that Player looks like "an old, overweight homeless man in a Hutch Browns uniform from 1986." We attempted to remind the player about the Hulk Hogan mustache, but he was already preoccupied with chasing Player across the locker room with a cup full of urine. Even the disgusting climax of said chase could not wash the awesomeness off of Scott Player. Only a razor, a new facemask, a few hours at the gym, and a head-shrinking witch doctor could do that.

Whether Scott Player is being chased with human waste or punting pigskins into coffin corners, two things are certain; he is super awesome-looking and everyone in the NFL wants to look like him. He is the one and only winner of the NFL's Most Awesome-Looking Player Award.

The NFL's Awesome-Looking Player Committee
From the BEST daily humor magazine on the web:
www.thephatphree.com
Read this article online at: www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3996&SectionID=15